Uncovering Hidden Trauma and Navigating Your Internal Self with Life & Trauma Coach Amy Lloyd

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The views expressed in this podcast are solely those of the podcast host and guest and do not necessarily represent those of our distribution partners, supporting business relationships or supported audience.

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Welcome to Transacting Value, where we talk about practical applications for instigating self-worth when dealing with each other and even within ourselves, when we foster a podcast listening experience that lets you hear the power of a value system for managing burnout, establishing boundaries, fostering community and finding identity.

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My name is Josh Porthouse, I'm your host and we are redefining sovereignty of character.

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This is why values still hold value.

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This is Transacting Value.

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Maybe that would be how we could define utopia If every person was responsible for their own person and their own emotions and their own choices, imagine how much better we would all get along.

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What is it about a trauma response that generally makes our identities and our roles feel misaligned, and it may not always be the extent of the trauma, the type of the trauma or even something we recognize as traumatic, but navigating through different transitions in life, or even professionally, often causes similar responses.

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Today we're going to talk to trauma and life coach, amy Lloyd, all about exactly what that can look like, what to do about it and, especially here during the holiday season, what some of those triggers may look like and what we can do about them.

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So, without further ado, folks, I'm Porter, I'm your host and this is Transacting Value.

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Amy, how are you doing?

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I am wonderful.

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It's good to be here.

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I appreciate you taking some time out so we can sit and talk for a little bit too.

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This is a subject that well, it's important to me, but I think it's underrated and undervalued as an actual conversational topic.

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So I'm pretty excited to jump into this, but I feel like I should temper the conversation a little bit.

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So, for the sake of structure here and for everybody who's new to the show, let's just start with a couple minutes.

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Who are you?

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What is your background?

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Where are you from?

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You know what sort of things have shaped your perspective on life.

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What are you coming from?

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Sure, that's a fun question to ask.

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I grew up in Virginia and North Carolina and I currently live in Asheville, North Carolina.

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I come from a poverty-ridden childhood, a lot of childhood illness, a lot of emotional and verbal abuse, but until a few years ago I didn't know that.

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I actually told everybody I had an idyllic childhood.

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I grew up on a family farm and was very close with my grandparents, very close with animals.

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I'm a full-blown tree hugger.

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I love all aspects of nature that I can get into and genuinely just love life.

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I have always felt that it is just such a gift to even be here, which is kind of funny when jump ahead you know a few decades and I realized that I had the traumatic and abusive background that I did and those were just so completely polar opposite to me that it took a long, many years to bring those together and they kind of converged perfectly.

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I became a life coach first a holistic life career and executive coach, because some of my personal assistant clients started calling me their life coach and I'm like, oh, I don't know what that means.

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And so as I started Googling what's a life coach, I'm like, oh, that's exactly what I'm doing actually.

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So I thought well, if I'm going to be called a life coach, maybe I should figure out how to do it on purpose.

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So I went through training and it just so happened, as I was going through that training, I had some difficult life stuff going on in my personal life and as I Googled a hundred different ways of what the heck's wrong with me, I stumbled into the realm of trauma and learned that, oh, my idyllic childhood had some hardships that I chose to ignore because I didn't know what to do with them.

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And I started unraveling all of that and what trauma is, how it differs from abuse and what it all meant for me, how it showed up in my life, how it impacted my choices.

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And all of that was going on as I was in life coach training.

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So I thought my life coach clients have to have this.

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This is what I was destined to be a coach around, not merely a life coach, but we have to bring in the whole human into the conversation.

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And so that's how I got on this professional journey.

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You look normal to me, you don't look like facial scars and physical disfigurations and whatever.

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And you also said you didn't even realize what was happening.

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You know, growing up and I think, like most kids you know, you just sort of a blob in social science, you know, you just live and experience and absorb.

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But as I understand, and I'm guessing, not trained my background's in the infantry, so I just you know rocks on walls and grunt, so but as I understand trauma it's all subjective, it's the perception of whatever happens to you, not necessarily always the activity of what happens to you, right?

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That's when it becomes more abuse, right?

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Or am I misinterpreting the difference?

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That's when it becomes more abuse, right?

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Or am I misinterpreting the difference?

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No, that's spot on.

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Abuse can be traumatic, but not necessarily.

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I've certainly, and I know others who have experienced abuse, certain types of abuse, and then they walk away, okay, and then, of course, most abuse is traumatic, and then, on the flip side, we can experience something that is not abuse, it's not mistreatment of any kind, but because our nervous system is overwhelmed, at least that trauma won't.

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I think of it as like walking into a corner of a table.

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We've all done that.

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We've all walked into the corner of a table or a door jam or something, and bruise ourselves.

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There's nothing wrong with that.

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Nobody made a mistake, nobody did anything wrong.

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We just had an impact with the table and it left a bruise and that bruise might be the trauma.

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Whoa?

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Okay, all right, I'll play your game.

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So trauma is actually pretty objective in its own right, but the extent or application or whatever is where it gets a bit more subjective.

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Is what you're saying.

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Yes, it's the nervous systems interpretation of what happened.

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Okay, all right, so not to get too scientific here, but I think the foundation and clarity in the beginning is important because, especially as a veteran, everybody everywhere and I'm sure there's plenty of eye rolls too oh my God, here we go, another post-traumatic stress conversation.

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First off, no, stay with us.

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But secondly, what is it then?

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Post-traumatic stress is just, it's just a thing everybody has to experience.

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Then, right, it's not specific to veterans or anybody.

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Everybody gets stressed based on these bruises

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Yeah, the common example I use is, if you remember being back in I don't know hypothetically third grade, and maybe you had a book report.

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Maybe third grade is a little young, I don't know Whenever we started doing book reports and you have to present it in front of the class.

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And so you are called up in front of the class to present your book report and maybe in that moment you just have this freeze like uh-oh and you can't remember anything and you're just like deer in the headlights.

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So we can experience that and come out of it and be okay and not have a trauma wound.

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It was just a moment and we're all good.

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Or it can be so pervasive inside that we feel so overwhelmed that we're not fully able to come out of it.

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Our brain literally comes offline.

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We cannot think straight and as adults we like to think that we can think straight because, well, I paid the bills and I fed myself and I fed the kids and whatever, I checked all the boxes.

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But that doesn't necessarily mean that we're thinking straight.

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So, anyway, back in that third grade classroom there was no abuse.

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The teacher did not do anything wrong by assigning kids to do a book report.

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She did not do anything wrong by saying, okay, it's your turn to come up and present your report.

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But in that moment our system was just like in freak out mode and overwhelmed.

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And so then I assume the contributing or corollary factors to that are all specific to individual people.

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Yes, and you can look at it like bookends.

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So, first of all, what is the kid's background?

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Does that kid come from?

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What it what might be called a good enough family, a healthy enough family, a safe enough family?

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Enough family, a healthy enough family, a safe enough family.

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Do they have supports and resources at home when they are at home, do they feel seen and heard, or do they fear being themselves at home?

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Do they have the ability to be accepted and loved unconditionally at home?

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You know, or they may second guess themselves they may whether they're told this explicitly or whether it's more of a behavioral thing.

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Are their family members and parents and caregivers telling them you know, you're not good enough?

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In some way?

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Messages like that?

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Then they're not going to have the resilience, they're not going to have the internal resources and tools to then go stand confidently in front of their peers, and especially in school.

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Man, kids can be mean.

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And so now here they are in front of all of their peers like, oh no, what if I get it wrong?

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People are going to make fun of me.

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I already know I'm not good enough, and yet here I am in front of all of these kids who are not going to make fun of me.

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And yet, here I am in front of all of these kids who are not going to make fun of me Okay, well, that's, I mean, that's common.

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I felt like growing up, anytime I would come home and felt like I knew something, like I'd learned something you know, new, but actually K-N-E-W something, that I would come home and I would talk about it.

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And then, in hindsight, I'm not so sure I got laughed at, but I felt like I was like you know the eye roll, the condescension, the, the, whatever other belittling, maybe type vibes that I caught on to and whatever six, seven, eight, nine, 12 years old.

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Okay, Josh, here we go.

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Sure, go ahead and tell us what do you got, cause you know better than I do.

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I'm the adult, you'm the parent or whatever.

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But is it really that bad?

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Know your place.

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This isn't time for you to talk.

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This is an adult conversation.

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You don't get a say in this, just do what I say.

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Those comments are they really that bad, that detrimental, that traumatic?

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Because that has a place in society too.

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Not everybody gets a say in everything.

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All right, folks, sit tight and we'll be right back on Transacting Value.

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Here's my bucket list for the day Read an article on a news subject, say only nice things about others and listen to everyone's opinions, because making things better requires change.

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Now, these changes aren't going to show up on your news feed, but they're things I can do, so change something today.

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It's not going to change the entire world, but it's going to change your world.

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Change is in you, from PassItOn.

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com.

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That has a place in society too.

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Not everybody gets to say in everything, and that's an important lesson to learn.

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Is it bad?

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It's enormously damaging actually, and you're right, we do need boundaries, parameters, rules.

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Yeah.

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But there's a way to communicate those rules and there's a way to enforce those rules that is honoring to the child and helps that child become stronger internally rather than tearing them down.

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For example, I was raised being taught to never, you know, talk back, where many of us are told don't talk back.

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But for me, for my family, what that meant was don't ever say anything contrary, your opinion is not warranted.

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Nobody asked if we want your opinion, we'll tell you, and basically, whatever you have to say is stupid anyway.

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And there was no room for discussion, there was no room for curiosity.

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Kids are born curious and they're also born very wise.

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I mean, it is truly phenomenal what a little bitty baby knows.

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And as they start learning language, the wisdom that they start imparting is just mind-blowing.

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But a lot of times the adults in their life don't really know what to do with it, because they don't know what to do with their own internal emotions.

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And if I as a parent, don't know how to manage my own emotions because I wasn't taught, we're not taught this stuff then how can I help my kid?

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And then, when my kid is curious, curious, curious, when maybe I'm overwhelmed, I'm stressed out and my kid won't stop with the questions, then I might lose my temper right and say stop enough, I don't want to hear it.

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And so it's not that these parents are necessarily bad or terrible that's not at all what I'm saying, but I think that it's.

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It's more of a cultural thing and it's also a lack of education, because we're not taught this stuff.

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But if you flip that to a kid, who so, for example, with my own children?

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Now, don't get me wrong, I made plenty of mistakes, but one thing that fits into this conversation is that I tried to see them and I tried to hear them and I would say, look, this is the rule period, but I do want to hear.

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I know I would say, look, this is the rule period, but I do want to hear.

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I know that you're not happy about this rule, so let's talk about that.

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What does that mean for you?

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What is it that you're upset about?

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Because a lot of times through that conversation we would be able to understand one another.

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They can understand oh, that's why mom set this rule and why it's so important, and and they could buy into it on their own and say, okay, well, I'm going to be a part of this family team and part of what how I can contribute is to follow this particular rule.

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And then another possibility is that I hear them out, and this has happened.

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You know what.

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You make a good point and I wanted this rule in place for you know my reasons.

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But now that I see your side, I see actually there's a better way that would support both of us and so, yeah, you don't have to follow this rule.

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We're going to do away with that rule.

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So it's about understanding one another, but we can't get to that place until the adults in the situation have that emotional intelligence inside.

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Okay, so it sounds like, then the overwhelming we're talking about mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, dude, just shut up, just sit down.

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Stop asking me those moments, right, because they happen all the time, obviously, and then they're not going to stop either.

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They're not generationally specific.

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That's, I think, a perpetual stigma of humankind.

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But whenever that happens, what's your opinion on the overwhelm maybe coming from a lack of presence, because you're worried about the past or the future, not so much on.

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Maybe this is a learning point on how to deal with the past or the future for one or both of us in the conversation.

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Do you think the lack of presence contributes to correlation or causation for some of these traumas when we get older?

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Both.

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What you got.

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So if we're talking, if we're still continuing with the parenting thread, when parents are not present with their children, then, first of all, the children don't learn presence.

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And also our nervous system, where we're always silently communicating with every human around us and we're always kind of queuing in is this person or situation safe or dangerous?

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And when we're not able to feel seen and heard by our caregivers in a safe way, then that tells us there's something dangerous going on.

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You know, and children will.

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Well, we all make try to make sense of everything Right, and so children, the way they make sense of that is to believe that something is wrong with them.

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So if I grew up thinking I'm not good enough for my parents, my parents don't love me, there's something wrong with me, those beliefs are deep, deep, deep.

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And I wasn't learned how to be present because, well, mom and dad weren't present, and so all I know is what they taught me, which everybody's going to have their go-to responses.

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In my family, the go-to response was to live in the past and be depressed.

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For other families it's to worry about the future and be anxiety ridden.

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And so I learned depression from my family members because they hung out in the past, and then we perpetuate that forward.

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That's interesting as far as generational trauma goes, even as adults, I guess.

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In either case, but passing it down, that is interesting because my parents divorced when I was four, maybe five, three, four, five.

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Because my parents divorced when I was four, maybe five, three, four, five and it was my older brother and I were only about nine months apart and so, as close as we could have been, we couldn't have been further apart up until, I don't know, I graduated college probably.

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We didn't even have a singular conversation until I was 20.

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And we shared a room the whole way through.

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But I think a lot of it turned into one of us tended to more often live in the past and one of us tended more often to live in the future.

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Coincidentally, now that you mentioned it, I think that's pretty similar to the split at the time.

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My parents were in their 20s and 30s where they were living and probably contributed very highly to the reason that they couldn't figure out how to where they were living, and probably contributed very highly to the reason that they couldn't figure out how to communicate because they were living in two different time dimensions.

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It'd be difficult to align through that in a present when neither had the same priorities because they were rooted in two different periods in time.

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So I think a lot of that, like in my case, I carried through to when I got married and then eventually divorced.

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Especially in the Marine Corps, infantry, a lot of our training schedule and professional what would you call it acumen and routine innately overtakes your personal life and it prioritizes itself.

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That way.

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What I've learned is within certain degrees and boundaries it doesn't have to.

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And what I mean is for clarity here for a second joining the Marine Corps or any other military branch, to be able to say I'm not going to work today isn't your call to make because you said you would for the next four to eight years.

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So yeah, you are going to work today.

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To say I'm not going into work tonight, I won't be there next week because we have dinner plans tonight.

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No, you don't, you have training plans tonight and dinner's second.

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That's not what I mean.

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What I mean is coming home after all that and still only speaking all that and still only living all that and not being present anymore.

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The degree of sacrifice, I think, becomes a necessity on one hand, but a tendency on the other to be self-sacrificial in our relationships, at least as veterans.

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In my experience, and that was it, I think.

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Now that you mention it, all I did was live in the future and didn't have much sense for a presence.

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I didn't know how to communicate.

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I didn't know how to interpret me or anybody else.

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I didn't know how to communicate.

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I didn't know how to interpret me or anybody else.

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I didn't know how to do any of those things.

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I think I have a better handle on it now, but it's taken a conscious effort to do that.

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So in your case, let's say, you personally growing up or you as a coach working with clients, take this from whatever perspective you want.

00:19:24.713 --> 00:19:38.519
But in your case, how do you see maybe a focus on a constant like a value system playing towards our own self-worth or a sense of self to navigate through some of those traumas and process and interpret and deal with those things?

00:19:39.061 --> 00:19:40.866
Yeah, that actually brings up two points.

00:19:40.866 --> 00:19:58.929
So, first of all, years ago I was learning ways to identify your core values and I'm a nerd, I'm always into little things like that little self identifying things, quizzes, better understanding myself is like okay, identified my top values, now what?

00:19:58.929 --> 00:20:01.796
And I felt like I just kind of stall.

00:20:01.796 --> 00:20:05.127
Okay, these values, well, that's cool thing to know about me, but what do I do with it?

00:20:05.127 --> 00:20:19.390
And so I walked away from that, from the whole value system for years actually, and eventually I figured out what to do with it, and so that's part of what I teach people and I refer to it as your internal compass.

00:20:19.411 --> 00:20:25.267
So many of us don't have an internal compass because we're always putting our value outside of ourselves.

00:20:25.267 --> 00:20:31.867
You know, we value other people's opinions, other people's guidance and all of that above our own.

00:20:31.867 --> 00:20:40.794
Now, other people have a lot of value to add, but real value is an internal experience and we all have it.

00:20:40.794 --> 00:20:42.480
We've just been disconnected from it.

00:20:42.480 --> 00:21:03.378
And so, thinking of it as an internal compass, if I have a decision to make, then I can explore what the potential options might be and then I can say, okay, well, if I know that my top five values are whatever, then if I look at one option, does that option honor all of those top five values?

00:21:03.378 --> 00:21:07.538
If no, maybe it honors, say, four of them, then it's not an option.

00:21:08.422 --> 00:21:28.906
It might be a nice thought, it might be what I want to do, but it's not an option that actually honors who I am at my core and so just learning that and that can be hard, that can be really hard because a lot of times the safest, healthiest option that is actually in our best interest might be the hard thing to do.

00:21:28.967 --> 00:21:40.869
It might be the thing that we don't want to get our hands messy, we don't want to do whatever it takes to make that happen, because it can be really uprooting and it can really shake us to our core.

00:21:40.911 --> 00:21:57.392
Sometimes, you know, if you think of I don't know hypothetically being in an unhealthy relationship and if you recognize that leaving might be the best thing't know hypothetically being in an unhealthy relationship and if you recognize that leaving might be the best thing, you know the option that's in your best interest, but you don't want to leave, and so that can be really really hard.

00:21:57.392 --> 00:21:59.998
So that's the first thing that comes to mind.

00:21:59.998 --> 00:22:36.114
I do a lot of values work with that and then, as I help clients through that process of identifying their values and learning to rely on their internal compass, what I noticed is that many of us were lacking certain things in childhood, and there is a correlation that I see between what those things are and what our values are as adults and, for example, I was raised in poverty, and so one of my top four values is safety and security in a general sense, but especially in a financial sense.

00:22:37.846 --> 00:22:40.291
Alrighty, folks sit tight and we'll be right back on Transacting Value.

00:22:42.407 --> 00:22:48.646
Alrighty folks, if you're looking for more perspective and more podcasts, you can check out Transacting Value on Wreaths Across America Radio.

00:22:48.646 --> 00:22:52.252
Listen in on iHeartRadio, Audacy and TuneIn.

00:22:54.655 --> 00:23:03.890
And, for example, I was raised in poverty, and so one of my top four values is safety and security in a general sense, but especially in a financial sense.

00:23:04.494 --> 00:23:05.537
Oh, okay.

00:23:05.537 --> 00:23:07.219
So values aren't just one word.

00:23:07.219 --> 00:23:10.765
It's not like I value whatever adventure.

00:23:10.765 --> 00:23:14.250
You can tie it to some sort of a principle.

00:23:14.250 --> 00:23:36.430
Yeah, sure, experiencing the same sort of neglect to themselves.

00:23:36.430 --> 00:23:43.020
So how do we work around this sort of self-sabotage in a group?

00:23:43.020 --> 00:23:45.526
How do we instigate these conversations?

00:23:45.526 --> 00:23:54.300
It's a holiday season, frame it however you want, but people are going to see other people that they tend to know let's call those families during the holidays.

00:23:54.300 --> 00:23:55.564
So what do we do about it?

00:23:55.564 --> 00:24:00.221
How do we have these conversations when we've been neglecting them for 30 years or 50 years?

00:24:00.983 --> 00:24:04.278
We have those conversations with ourselves and start setting boundaries around our values.

00:24:04.740 --> 00:24:11.584
Yeah, well, that, or to do that with other people and just talk about it's okay to talk \about this if it is

00:24:13.568 --> 00:24:13.568
It's always okay.

00:24:13.568 --> 00:24:21.921
Well, from my professional opinion, it's always okay, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's always safe, and so that would be.

00:24:21.921 --> 00:24:26.657
You know, depending on the people that you're around, is it safe for you to go there with them?

00:24:26.657 --> 00:24:31.047
And that's a big part of it is recognizing what is safe.

00:24:31.047 --> 00:24:32.655
What do we even mean by that word?

00:24:32.655 --> 00:24:37.364
Maybe that's a different topic, but that can be an important factor for some people.

00:24:37.364 --> 00:24:43.454
But assuming that it's safe enough to go there, it can be really scary sometimes.

00:24:43.454 --> 00:25:00.362
Depending on who your family members are and what your relationship is like with them, you know, you might be able to start having those sort of conversations and communicating your values and making decisions based on your values with, say, I don't know your partner, but not necessarily your parents.

00:25:00.362 --> 00:25:07.449
You might get a lot of pushback from parents who they still see you as a child, even if you're 50.

00:25:07.934 --> 00:25:14.344
Sure, Especially if you've been removed for however many years, or deployed or enlisted or in prison or whatever it is.

00:25:14.344 --> 00:25:18.098
I mean, that's difficult, though, because you can't really do anything about that.

00:25:18.098 --> 00:25:21.428
Like from an individual perspective of ownership or control.

00:25:21.428 --> 00:25:24.576
You can't change somebody's perception of you right.

00:25:24.576 --> 00:25:29.086
You just sort of hope and influence it, and time does the rest right.

00:25:29.086 --> 00:25:30.068
Or am I wrong?

00:25:30.775 --> 00:25:39.027
Oh, you're right, we can only own our own responses, our own choices and decisions, and that's a it's a big exercise in self-worth.

00:25:39.027 --> 00:25:51.820
So I have to get to a place inside where I know that I deserve to live in accordance to my values and make decisions that are in my best interest, even if other people don't like it.

00:25:51.820 --> 00:26:21.885
And when we have not been seen and heard, when we have been raised in families or in cultures who tell us to stay in our lane and to stay in our place, then that can be really hard, especially when we're in the moment like, okay, I'm going to Thanksgiving dinner and I know my mom is going to want whatever, and I hate it when she does that, and I'm going to set a boundary this time and I'm going to talk to her about it and you know, respectfully, but I'm going to set a boundary.

00:26:21.885 --> 00:26:25.030
And then she does the backlash.

00:26:25.030 --> 00:26:36.079
It's so hard, it can be so hard, so painful, such an enormous challenge to get to the point where in our own heads we make the decision that okay, if my mom does x, I'm going to set that boundary.

00:26:36.079 --> 00:26:38.422
Okay, if my mom does X, I'm going to set that boundary.

00:26:38.422 --> 00:26:42.045
And then, when you get there and mom does X.

00:26:42.045 --> 00:26:44.407
Are you still able to set that boundary?

00:26:44.407 --> 00:26:46.609
Maybe yes, but maybe no.

00:26:46.609 --> 00:26:53.165
And it's like, okay, I'll try again next year, and but let's say that you do set that boundary and you're so proud of yourself.

00:26:53.165 --> 00:26:58.318
But then, of course, there's the backlash, and what that backlash, that can look like different things.

00:26:58.318 --> 00:26:58.640
I mean.

00:26:58.640 --> 00:27:03.884
So let's even talk about, you know, more average families where we're not talking about overt abuse.

00:27:03.884 --> 00:27:09.064
It can still look like belittling and who the heck do you think you are?

00:27:09.064 --> 00:27:11.758
You're my child and I just told you to do something, so go do it.

00:27:11.758 --> 00:27:18.557
Yeah, you know, and just that, having that gentle presence so I'm going to use that word again.

00:27:18.557 --> 00:27:30.287
You know, you brought up that presence and if we can keep ourselves in the here and now, not going back in the past when we were a little kid and had to do what mom said, but to keep ourselves in the here and now and remember.

00:27:30.287 --> 00:27:34.423
Okay, it's hard to feel right now, but I do know that I have that.

00:27:34.423 --> 00:27:46.885
I have value, I have self worth, I have self respect and I am helping my mom learn to love me as an adult or whatever, yeah, and mom, no, thank you.

00:27:46.885 --> 00:27:52.022
I'm going to do this because this is what works for me, and just continuing to toe that line.

00:27:52.765 --> 00:28:09.030
I think a lot of that we've heard more recently or more more publicly over the last maybe 20, 25 years, specifically more often aligned to orientation or sexuality or identity, but it's not, is it?

00:28:09.030 --> 00:28:18.083
A lot of those things are just perspective and biases and pattern recognition and how I view the world, and I don't want to be an engineer, I want to be a chef or whatever.

00:28:18.083 --> 00:28:22.821
As trivial as it might seem in comparison to some people, it really is all the same principle though, isn't it?

00:28:22.821 --> 00:28:34.180
Ownership over your own choices and, I guess, maturity in life to accept them, or courage to follow them, or whatever the tenant happens to be, I guess, from what sounds like what you're saying.

00:28:34.180 --> 00:28:34.622
Am I close?

00:28:35.394 --> 00:28:37.159
Yeah, I think that's pretty spot on.

00:28:37.159 --> 00:28:46.145
It's about me manning my own ship and you manning your own ship, and maybe that would be how we could define utopia.

00:28:46.145 --> 00:28:58.022
If every person was responsible for their own person and their own emotions and their own choices, imagine how much better we would all get along and how much better we'd all be able to support ourselves and each other.

00:28:58.346 --> 00:29:00.738
Would we, though, if we're all looking out for ourselves?

00:29:00.738 --> 00:29:13.007
I mean, there's a certain degree of, I guess, cultural slant or maybe some sort of ethnic bias that comes with this that I'm just not familiar with, but I feel like there has to be a certain balance, for what would you say?

00:29:13.007 --> 00:29:29.386
Open-minded discourse or respectable activities, or a public space, things that you know times and places, the usual sort of phrasing that, yes, I'm going to do my own thing, but I can respect your opinion in the process and maybe I'm not going to do my own thing here and now.

00:29:29.386 --> 00:29:41.548
Or, you know, you don't have to understand what I'm doing and what I'm saying, but know that I will, and it's not out of disrespect, it's out of ownership, because you did a good job getting me to this point to be able to do that on my own.

00:29:41.548 --> 00:30:02.721
One of the things that I really highly value is clarity and communication, and I think in a lot of the relationships I've had interpersonally, professionally or whatever qualifier applies here it's always getting often gotten misinterpreted as I'm just being anal or I'm just being, you know, distant and cold, and stop trying to be difficult.

00:30:02.721 --> 00:30:23.957
And these, these kinds of comments, even still and I'm 37 and I get them all the time from people, but if I don't know what somebody means by what they're saying, or if I don't have, I guess, confidence in the fact that I'm interpreting accurately what you're trying to mean or say, then you're not going to get the results that you want good, bad or indifferent.

00:30:23.957 --> 00:30:27.145
It's just not going to meet your expectations and it likely won't meet mine.

00:30:27.145 --> 00:30:30.040
I think that's important to try to clarify.

00:30:30.040 --> 00:30:31.826
And so I'd like to jump here real quick.

00:30:32.275 --> 00:30:42.343
This is a segment of the show called Developing Character, and so for anybody new Amy amy, obviously you included it's two questions, and the point of this segment is really twofold.

00:30:42.343 --> 00:30:55.701
One is to identify, in a real quick, you know, couple minutes, just an overall assessment of what were some of your values, to have a baseline to accomplish the second impact point, which is what do you do about it?

00:30:55.701 --> 00:31:08.417
And when it comes to, I think, a reputation, it often, or maybe even always, is going to precede us in a social setting.

00:31:08.417 --> 00:31:19.776
But my understanding and definition of character is it's what we leave behind in its place, our footprint, you might say, and so I think our values, similar to the points you made earlier, are what ground that I don't know footprint.

00:31:19.776 --> 00:31:21.339
It's the gravity in the situation.

00:31:21.339 --> 00:31:24.228
So my two questions are pretty straightforward.

00:31:24.228 --> 00:31:25.557
You can tie them together if you like.

00:31:25.557 --> 00:31:36.219
It's up to you, but for the sake of structure, my first is what were some of the values that you remember being raised around or grew up learning, or that you just, intuitively, were exposed to?

00:31:37.060 --> 00:31:39.144
Wow, that's a great question.

00:31:39.144 --> 00:31:43.598
So the first value that came to mind was don't make waves.

00:31:43.598 --> 00:31:50.919
I don't know how to put that in a value language, but basically so, I guess the value there was safety.

00:31:50.919 --> 00:31:58.965
You know, maintain this sense of safety, and the way that we were taught to do that was I'm sorry, maybe control.

00:31:58.965 --> 00:32:01.300
The value there was to not be seen.

00:32:01.300 --> 00:32:05.424
Okay, yeah, to maintain that, that safety by not being seen.

00:32:05.424 --> 00:32:09.700
So don't speak up, don't make other people uncomfortable.

00:32:10.582 --> 00:32:13.309
Okay, okay, all right, yeah, I got you.

00:32:13.309 --> 00:32:16.605
And I think we see that a lot obviously when it comes to parenting.

00:32:16.605 --> 00:32:21.962
We see that a lot obviously when it comes to parenting.

00:32:21.962 --> 00:32:34.494
I think it's trickier with adults, because with adults, in a conference room or in a mission briefing or whatever the setting happens to be you look around and you're like, well, he's just not paying attention Not that he doesn't want to get ostracized, right, okay, all right, I'm with you, don't be seen, don't make waves.

00:32:34.494 --> 00:32:36.459
So what then?

00:32:36.459 --> 00:32:43.760
Now would you say, some of your values are good, bad, indifferent in comparison, contrasting, however you want to frame that.

00:32:43.760 --> 00:32:45.806
But how has that changed?

00:32:45.806 --> 00:32:47.801
Because your life obviously has changed drastically.

00:32:47.801 --> 00:32:49.789
So what are some of your values now?

00:32:50.372 --> 00:33:01.538
The first value that came to mind for now is truth and authenticity, and it's interesting because I can remember having that value always, always, always, my entire life.

00:33:01.538 --> 00:33:16.833
And it got me in a lot of trouble because sometimes people aren't ready to hear the truth and sometimes people are not ready for an individual's authenticity because who I am in any given moment might make other people uncomfortable because they're.

00:33:16.833 --> 00:33:19.375
They're just not ready for whatever.

00:33:19.875 --> 00:33:40.419
sure, and you know as a little kid, all little kids are truth tellers until they're taught not to be yeah and some of us learn those lessons and and we learn how to navigate the nuance of that, and others of us struggle and become labeled as liars because they learned the lesson a little too much and go carte blanche with it.

00:33:40.419 --> 00:34:00.057
But it really piggybacked off or you know, like ping pong back and forth between my individual value as a child for truth and authenticity versus my family's value of maintaining safety by not making other people uncomfortable, like, well, well, everything about my truth telling makes people make somebody uncomfortable.

00:34:00.057 --> 00:34:10.302
And so there was this push, pull, that dynamic that I got caught up in for decades, that I didn't understand, that I internalized believing.

00:34:10.302 --> 00:34:13.438
I literally believed I was brain damaged until I was in my 30s.

00:34:13.438 --> 00:34:18.942
And it wasn't until my 30s that I'm like, okay, I'm pretty sure I'm not brain damaged, but I still don't know what is going on.

00:34:18.894 --> 00:34:20.063
Right, and it wasn't until my 30s that I'm like, okay, I'm pretty sure I'm not brain damaged, but I still don't know what is going on.

00:34:20.063 --> 00:34:39.789
And it wasn't until I learned the whole world of trauma that humans made sense and I made sense and my family made sense and I was able to do the work that it took to disentangle my healthy value of truth and authenticity from their unhealthy value of security.

00:34:39.789 --> 00:34:44.422
No, security is not an unhealthy value, it's what they attach to it.

00:34:44.422 --> 00:34:52.784
They valued maintaining security by not making other people uncomfortable, and that was the part I had to untangle.

00:34:53.045 --> 00:34:57.000
That sounds an awful lot like courtesy to me, and that's not a bad thing, is it?

00:34:57.000 --> 00:34:58.143
So what's the difference then?

00:34:58.965 --> 00:35:00.668
As far as not making other people uncomfortable.

00:35:00.668 --> 00:35:05.864
Yeah, so I had a coworker a few years ago so I can cuss like a sailor and often do.

00:35:05.864 --> 00:35:22.695
And I have this particular coworker who communicated that she was raised in a violent home with lots of cussing and so she associates the cussing with violence and it's triggering for her and I'm like, well, I cuss like a sailor.

00:35:22.695 --> 00:35:26.302
So thank you so much for telling me that I'll I'll be mindful of that around you, and so I didn't cuss around her.

00:35:26.322 --> 00:35:27.545
That's courtesy, okay.

00:35:27.545 --> 00:35:58.164
Versus, say, I have friends who their identities are not accepted by some people, and so then, when you know they have to, and so then, when you know they have to, in order to maintain their sense of safety, might have to downplay or minimize or even not identify based on you know.

00:35:58.164 --> 00:36:07.027
So I actually have a relative in particular who is of a certain identity, but she's white passing, and so to maintain her safety and security, sometimes she has to rely on that, the fact that her skin is pale enough that she can pass as a white person.

00:36:07.027 --> 00:36:11.226
The truth of who she is can never be an offense to anyone.

00:36:11.226 --> 00:36:22.143
The truth of who anyone is, how anyone identifies, can never be an offense to anyone, and so that's not a matter of courtesy, that's a matter of somewhat bumping up against other people's trauma.

00:36:23.514 --> 00:36:24.398
All right, folks, sit tight.

00:36:24.398 --> 00:36:26.023
We'll be right back on Transacting Value.

00:36:32.115 --> 00:36:34.864
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00:36:34.864 --> 00:36:43.324
The US-Vietnam War Commemoration honors the service, valor and sacrifice of those who served during the Vietnam War.

00:36:43.324 --> 00:36:52.541
It also thanks the 7 million living Vietnam veterans and the families of all 10 million who served from 1955 to 1975.

00:36:52.541 --> 00:37:02.721
More than 3 million of the 7 million veterans have been thanked by friends and neighbors in thousands of ceremonies, but more must be recognized.

00:37:02.721 --> 00:37:09.724
Help reach Vietnam veterans in your families and neighborhoods, especially those living alone or in care facilities.

00:37:09.724 --> 00:37:15.181
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00:37:16.023 --> 00:37:16.384
Visit VietnamWar50th.

00:37:16.384 --> 00:37:29.679
com for more information that's not a matter of courtesy.

00:37:29.679 --> 00:37:33.335
That's a matter of somewhat bumping up against other people's trauma.

00:37:34.117 --> 00:37:36.242
Okay, I feel like there's a lot there.

00:37:36.242 --> 00:37:38.085
We can come back on the show.

00:37:38.085 --> 00:37:41.164
We'll table that for another conversation for a second, but for the sake of time.

00:37:41.164 --> 00:37:59.403
So, taking these things into account and identifying the delineation between what any of these values have done for your family or your parents and their perspective, and then obviously, how they communicate it to you and how you interpret it, and so on and so on, it's relative, I guess that's why they call it that.

00:37:59.403 --> 00:38:21.081
So then, if we're all sort of relatives in this metaphorical sense here, then when we come together for the holidays, why can this be such a big deal, if everybody's starting to realize we each have our own sort of role to play, identities to fill, you know, allegiances, patterns we align with, whatever it is, why is it a problem then?

00:38:21.081 --> 00:38:23.226
More importantly, I guess, what do we do about it?

00:38:23.954 --> 00:38:29.215
Yeah, well, and that's where it can be really helpful to remember that we can only control ourselves.

00:38:29.215 --> 00:38:30.378
We can't control other people.

00:38:30.378 --> 00:38:53.735
We can't, and part of what that means is we can't be responsible for other people's feelings, and so I don't mean that to be discourteous, like you just talked about, but me setting my boundaries and communicating my boundaries is not being discourteous and me being true to myself, you know, with my family member who is white passing her being true to herself.

00:38:53.735 --> 00:39:01.588
It's not about managing other people's feelings, but and so balancing some respect for it, I assume.

00:39:02.235 --> 00:39:07.039
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off, but balancing it with some semblance of respect, I assume.

00:39:07.559 --> 00:39:09.887
Well sure, we have to respectfully communicate ourselves.

00:39:10.195 --> 00:39:41.505
Yeah, yeah, that is that's interesting, because then having an opportunity to communicate with people to the extent where you say, well, you don't have to accept me as I am, but I'm going to do what I want, and you know whatever type of sassy attitude comes with that, when you picture somebody saying it in your head, on the other end of the spectrum, being able to do that with an open-minded sort of response, like there's some sort of meekness, I think, or grace that comes with that degree of maturity and identifying the times, the places, the tact, the bearing that comes with those types of communication opportunities.

00:39:41.505 --> 00:40:03.536
And I'm not all that religious by really any definition, but I've heard since I was a kid the meek will inherit the earth and I'm pretty sure, wherever that came from in the Bible or any other book or belief system, that I never quite interpreted it like I am right now, based on this conversation, as it applies to grace and authenticity, interesting.

00:40:03.536 --> 00:40:05.722
Yeah, you just did something there for me.

00:40:05.722 --> 00:40:06.746
I, that was good.

00:40:06.746 --> 00:40:07.838
I appreciate that.

00:40:08.400 --> 00:40:15.159
So, for the sake of time, though, I really have two more questions for you and then, like I said, please come back on the show and we can talk some more.

00:40:15.159 --> 00:40:24.445
But as it applies to all of these experiences you've had in your own life, working with clients, your family as an adult, everything all encompassing.

00:40:24.445 --> 00:40:32.733
What now has all of that and all of that realization, and all of that growth and progress actually done for your sense of self and self-worth?

00:40:33.275 --> 00:40:40.356
Well, it's been enormously freeing because I now know who I am versus who everybody else expects me to be.

00:40:40.356 --> 00:40:50.757
So, just speaking for my own journey, I used to be very enmeshed, believing that I was not good enough, I was not lovable, and I saw plenty of evidence to that fact.

00:40:50.757 --> 00:41:03.485
Because that's the confirmation bias right whatever our, whatever our beliefs happen to be supportive or unsupporting, we will always find plenty of evidence to prove ourselves right, which then further perpetuates that belief.

00:41:03.485 --> 00:41:09.534
And so I found all the evidence in the world to believe that I had no self-worth and I had no value to offer.

00:41:09.534 --> 00:41:38.387
And so I've come full circle and now I can identify what is my self-worth versus what is another individual's self-worth, what are my expectations versus another individual's expectations for me, that I me, for us in the relationship, and I now know where I end and another begins, and vice versa.

00:41:38.387 --> 00:41:42.849
What used to be very muddy and overwhelming now is just clear.

00:41:42.849 --> 00:41:43.730
It makes sense.

00:41:44.510 --> 00:41:55.260
Is it fair to say, then, that that clarity can come from active participation and being present, like meditation or journaling or whatever that looks?

00:41:55.280 --> 00:41:56.762
like conversations, whatever, enormously so.

00:41:56.762 --> 00:42:00.139
Most of us have been so disconnected from the truth of who we are.

00:42:00.139 --> 00:42:06.699
You know our core self, but it's always in there, even though we don't feel it, we might not know how to access it.

00:42:06.699 --> 00:42:14.985
It's always inside, deep inside, but only when we are in the present moment and practicing that presence.

00:42:14.985 --> 00:42:25.202
However, you know, whether it's new meditation or any means, strengthening that almost like a muscle will allow you to connect with your core self more and more and more and more.

00:42:25.202 --> 00:42:42.278
But then, magically, there's going to be a moment in that presence practice where you are able to not only connect quicker and easier, but also hold that presence, that connection with your internal self, even during moments of difficulty.

00:42:42.278 --> 00:42:44.284
And that's the goal.

00:42:44.284 --> 00:42:46.208
That's where real magic happens.

00:42:47.137 --> 00:42:49.528
Okay, I have a working theory I'm going to toss out to you.

00:42:49.528 --> 00:43:14.898
We can pick it up again when you come back, but based on what you just said, if before we had technology, let's just say 70 years ago, and the majority of the world cities, towns, villages, whatever communicated more in person or in writing or whatever, but excluding technology, excluding the popularity likes follows, subscribe phases, people tended to socialize around people that had like-minded value sets and character development and maturity levels, right.

00:43:14.898 --> 00:43:35.969
And I think now over the last 50, 60 years that has been skewed because the majority of individuals coalescing with similarly like-minded people, that over centuries became cultures in certain regions and then obviously the subcultures just broke down from there people in the military that were American and people in the military that were Italian.

00:43:35.969 --> 00:43:37.737
You know certain niches there.

00:43:37.737 --> 00:43:59.659
Now I think cultures and subcultures generally stand on the past, not specifically actual identity and awareness in the present, and I'm curious, maybe in the next conversation, if that can be or actually is detrimental or more of a positive change of the times and just as I guess.

00:43:59.719 --> 00:44:06.422
I don't know, but anyway, it's a working theory, so I'd love to hear more about it when you come back on the show Saying that my last question for you, though.

00:44:06.422 --> 00:44:14.304
Anybody that wants to get in touch with you, follow along with you on social, read any blogs, get in touch, become a client, whatever.

00:44:14.304 --> 00:44:15.626
Where do people go?

00:44:15.626 --> 00:44:16.487
How do they do it?

00:44:22.275 --> 00:44:23.297
They can come to my website, ascensionwellnesslife.

00:44:23.297 --> 00:44:24.478
com.

00:44:24.478 --> 00:44:25.139
They can email me at amy@ascensionwellnesslife.

00:44:25.139 --> 00:44:25.780
com.

00:44:25.780 --> 00:44:32.420
I can be found on Facebook, Instagram and YouTube and LinkedIn, also at Ascension Wellness.

00:44:36.094 --> 00:44:36.356
All right.

00:44:36.356 --> 00:44:54.188
Well, that makes it pretty easy and for anybody who's new to the show here, obviously you can click on see more or show more, depending on the player you're using to stream this conversation, and in the description, or show notes as we call them in the podcasting biz, you can find the links to Amy's website and Amy's social and track her down that way as well.

00:44:54.188 --> 00:44:57.003
But what a super cool conversation.

00:44:57.003 --> 00:45:12.106
You're such an awesome human for having this type of interpretation and intuition on life and I really got to say from firsthand experience, talking about value systems and self-worth, at least for me, has not been an easy process to develop.

00:45:12.106 --> 00:45:19.965
Worth, at least for me, has not been an easy process to develop and I'm, to whatever extent you take this, proud of what you've been able to accomplish in your life.

00:45:19.965 --> 00:45:21.849
So, first off, thank you.

00:45:21.849 --> 00:45:23.260
Secondly, congratulations.

00:45:23.922 --> 00:45:33.467
I really appreciate that, and the degree of pain and difficulty we go through to navigate our own value systems is mirrored in the degree of the reward.

00:45:33.467 --> 00:45:34.956
Once we do, it's worth the journey.

00:45:36.039 --> 00:45:41.338
Yeah, solid, that should be like on a t-shirt somewhere like a long t-shirt but a t-shirt somewhere.

00:45:41.338 --> 00:45:43.206
Yeah, absolutely Super cool.

00:45:43.206 --> 00:45:45.355
Okay, well, amy, I appreciate your time.

00:45:45.355 --> 00:45:54.443
I appreciate you for hanging out and obviously talking, coming on the show, everybody who tuned in Thank you, guys for playing the conversation and your feedback and your comments.

00:45:54.443 --> 00:46:12.262
Stop by, check out Ascension Wellness Life, say hey to Amy and obviously enjoy all of the extent and situations you get yourself into over the next few months rolling into the holiday season and here pretty soon, believe it or not, closing out 2024 at the time of this recording.

00:46:12.262 --> 00:46:15.155
With that said, guys, until next time.

00:46:15.516 --> 00:46:16.739
That was Transacting Value.

00:46:16.739 --> 00:46:20.726
Thank you to our show partners and folks.

00:46:20.726 --> 00:46:24.965
Thank you for tuning in and appreciating our value as we all grow through life together.

00:46:24.965 --> 00:46:37.268
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00:46:37.268 --> 00:46:45.887
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00:46:45.887 --> 00:46:50.943
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00:46:50.943 --> 00:46:55.101
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00:46:55.101 --> 00:46:56.184
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00:46:56.184 --> 00:47:04.728
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00:47:04.728 --> 00:47:23.431
On behalf of our team and our global ambassadors, as you all strive to establish clarity and purpose, ensure social tranquility and secure the blessings of liberty or individual sovereignty of character for yourselves and your posterity, we will continue instigating self-worth and we'll meet you there.

00:47:23.431 --> 00:47:25.077
Until next time.

00:47:25.077 --> 00:47:26.885
That was Transacting Value.