The Compass of Core Values in Life's Journey with Alex Kirby

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Welcome to Transacting Value, where we talk about practical applications for personal values when dealing with each other and even within ourselves.

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Where we foster a podcast listening experience that lets you hear the power of a value system for managing burnout, establishing boundaries and finding belonging.

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My name is Josh Porthouse, I'm your host and we are your people.

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This is why values still hold value.

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This is Transacting Value.

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One of the things we say about values is like a way to check them is to, like, put them up in your kitchen, mm-hmm, you know, because you shouldn't have to hide your values.

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You should be living them, they should be inherent.

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Alrighty folks, welcome back to Season 5 of Transacting Value, where we're talking about the practical application of personal values.

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At this particular conversation, we're talking about our May core values of boundaries, limits, and self-care.

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And that's not to say that we're actually having this conversation in May.

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It is prerecorded for anybody playing the home game.

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But here's what's important Everything we discuss has direct application every day to everybody's life.

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It doesn't matter if you're a veteran, active duty, reservist, anybody in their sphere of influence, no military service or no military perspective.

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Everything in this conversation is going to carry some merit and here's why.

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So there's a particular company on family coaching called Total Family Management, and we're talking with the founder, Alex Kirby, all about the impact of personal values on developing a family vision and family cohesion.

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So, without further ado, folks, I'm Porter, I'm your host, and this is Transacting Value.

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Alex, what's up, man, how you doing?

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Hi, thank you for having me.

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I've had a chance to listen to some episodes and it's a great show.

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I feel like we have tons of alignment.

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I'm excited to talk to you.

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Yeah, man, I really appreciate it.

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And before we get into a lot of these sort of heavier topics, I think this is important in any relationship and I'm sure you can sort of attest to the same thing If you don't actually define and outline all the players to the problem, you're never going to really make any lasting progress, right?

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So in this conversation, for all of our listeners they can't see you, they may not know who you are, so let's just exhale for a second and start at the beginning.

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Who are you?

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Where are you from?

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What's all this about Total Family Management?

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Floors yours.

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Thanks.

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I'm originally from upstate New York.

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I live in Maryland with my family, two boys and I really was in professional development for most of my career and a lot of the stuff that you learn in consulting or in professional development is applicable to families.

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If you kind of start to think about a family as a team Instead of just like this family is this like other entity that has, you know, nothing is applicable to it.

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And then you know, conversely which I've heard from you a little bit it's like so much of the resources go into the business side of our life.

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If you talk to executives or anyone that has a, you know, business career, sometimes I'll give you goals or strategic plans or all these various things, and then you go to the personal side of their life and it's kind of a crap shoot.

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And so, you know, our theory was, if you're going to start somewhere, start in the area of life that most people define as being the most important to them personal life and family.

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And that's kind of how we came up with this idea of a family coaching company.

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We work mostly through wealth management firms because, you know, having a cohesive vision for a family is extremely helpful when you're trying to lay out any type of plan.

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Right, and we also work directly with families and we're really trying to bring a lot of these of resources that are normally reserved for, like ultra, ultra high net worth people to.

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You know, maybe not to the masses, but we're trying to bring them to way more people than if that exposure to services like us.

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Why do you think that is?

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Not to put you on the spot, but why do you think it's more of a reserved opportunity or consideration?

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Yeah, I mean, I think there's probably two parts to it.

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One is at the far, far end of the income spectrum.

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If you're low income and you're just like going day to day, hour by hour, paycheck to paycheck, you don't have time to sit around and contemplate some of these things, right, you're just trying to survive.

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So I think that's sort of one end.

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And then the other end of the problem is more, or the other side of it is more.

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The people that have typically done this work are, you know, phds, psychologists, psychiatrists, working through a lot of high end family offices and, depending on how the economics of something like this rolls out, it ends up being really expensive.

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So if you're going to pay, you know, $50,000 to have a consultant come in and talk about some of this stuff, that sort of trims your audience, right, because not a lot of people can fork out that kind of stuff.

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And you know, for us our first year is $2,500.

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Like, we're very transparent and we just put everything out there for people.

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So it's like it's not a price point for everyone, but it's also not out of reach for a lot of people that care about this type of stuff.

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Well, yeah, and obviously there's a big difference between surviving and thriving when it comes to priorities, but what is it?

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200 bucks a month, something to that effect.

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Yeah totally.

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I mean self-care is, since that's like the topic of your month.

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You know, we consider ourselves a social fitness company.

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Social fitness is this idea that relationships are very, very important to your long-term health and happiness and you need to actively work on them.

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And so you know, to that end, it's like we view this as an investment in your relationships and as an investment in yourself that down the road, you're just going to be really happy that you spent time having these conversations, talking about this stuff and doing some of that self-discovery.

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Yeah, Now I think a lot of that comes in a lot of different platforms.

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Like I didn't have a coach in the sense that you're describing it.

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I had an anger management therapist and I had a behavioral health staff and I had a divorce and my own issues and I had the gym, which worked out well for me and gave me an outlet.

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But it wasn't until I actually started talking to people Like in my case on this podcast, but in general just talking to people and I sort of just stopped thinking that I wasn't being judged for what I was going through.

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I was being in a community because of what I was going through, Like I wasn't by myself, but it was easy to fall back to that.

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Do you think any of these things that you're working through now or with any of the clients that you have now, maybe even as you've been consulting, that it's been more a result of your upbringing or more a result of your just adulthood and growing up on your own accord?

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You know that's an interesting question, like the resources that you mentioned, are really important.

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So we don't replace any of that stuff, right?

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I think this problem is just so big that different services, whether it's someone creating a podcast to help people or someone creating a family coaching company is going to help people, maybe at an earlier intervention level, you know, when someone's in the green before they get to red.

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And I think for me personally, like I've just been on a journey of growth and I think that should be inspiring to people, because if I can do it like if I can create a company that's doing this kind of stuff and really helping people in the world, anyone can do it.

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You know, I think for so many, like founders and people who are trying to create something.

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You know the entrepreneurs that we see are Steve Jobs.

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You know biography by Walter Isaacson.

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Elon Musk, all these brilliant people that you're like, man, I could never do that.

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I can never be that.

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But most you know, business owners and most founders and most anyone that starts a small business they're just, you know, normal people that work really, really hard and work hard to get better.

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I know you believe in the power of compounding.

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We say that to families all the time.

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You know, like, our workshops are 90 minutes when we work with a family, so you're like, ah, 90 minutes, I don't know.

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You do that once a year for 20 years.

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You're going to be in a better spot, right, and that's just how like I feel like growth has worked for me personally, where I sort of focused a lot on reading, a lot on, you know, my own interest, getting aligned with what's important to me and trying to build the life around that.

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I also had a.

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I also had a unique, cool upbringing too.

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I guess I would just like add and say 50, 50.

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I don't totally really know.

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Okay, all right, let's try this.

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This is a segment of the show called developing character developing character, the segment where we talk personal values, past and present, and so, for anybody new or any continuing listeners which, by the way, thanks for coming back it's a segment of the show where we've got two questions, totally, in this case, alex, from your perspective.

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So my first question this is all about your value system.

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All right, so we'll break it up into two pieces here.

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First, what were some of your values that you were exposed to then as you were growing up or when you were a kid?

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However you want to frame that, I would say that I'll just give you a pretty concise answer here, because we help people figure out their values, and so as I was developing the content for this company, I was doing that stuff on myself.

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So one of the values for me that was definitely there was responsibility.

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I know you have a lot of vets who listen to this show.

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My dad is a Vietnam vet and, unlike a lot of single parents, my mom traveled and lived out of town and so I was predominantly raised by my dad and I think that's kind of unique in a lot of ways.

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But I remember I took him a few times I'm only remembering one time, but it probably took him like 30 times to say this but when I left, like a dish or something, just like sitting on the couch or whatever, and my dad is like only two people live here, so every time you don't do something, that means I have to do it, and there's a lot of stuff that has to get done around here and it's just the two of us.

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So just know that, like when you leave that there there's no one else that's coming to pick this up, right, like that's me that's doing it.

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And so I think from that sense like a responsibility to your household, the environment, all that kind of stuff.

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Now I have a three year old and a one year old, so like it's not totally clicking yet, but it's definitely something that shaped me from growing up.

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That is unique, I mean not just the least of which your dad in a military household being the singular parent at that moment, I mean that in itself is a pretty big deal, especially compared to today.

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It's not really the case.

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But I think what's interesting is what he taught, is what you learned and I feel like now being more of a long distance parent, physically in more cases than not mentally.

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What I'm trying to teach is not the lesson that's getting across, and I don't know if it's a communication thing or an age thing, but let's test out a theory here for a second.

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This is my second question.

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Now that some time has passed and you're a bit older I'm judging based solely off your boyish good looks You're at least in your late twenties.

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So, yeah, I'm in my late thirties.

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You're in your late thirties, thank you.

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Yeah, I'm 38.

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Good for you.

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I'm so excited to tell my wife.

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It's like the best thing that's happened to me today.

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Yeah, congratulations, man, but yeah, it's been the last 30 years.

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My second question being what are some of your values now?

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then, yeah, well, I'll just say on the long distance parent front, you know, my mom was a long distance parent.

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Yeah, and you know, I think most of the press for parenthood is from like when the kids are little up to when they get out of high school.

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But in actuality you don't ever really stop being a parent.

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And my mom, you know, even though we maintain a long distance relationship through like my entire life and then when she retired she moved to where I live in Maryland and, you know, helps take care of, you know, our boys and she's, like you know, extension of our household.

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So to that end, it's like long distance parenting, true, for now in this chapter, but I think as long as you maintain the relationship and some semblance, then you just never know.

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You never know, like when you're going to be in the same town or whatever.

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But in terms of my values for now, I mean presence is the one that I probably annoy everyone I know with because I try to not have my phone.

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Yeah, I don't do social media, I basically have all the notifications off of my phone.

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So you know, 99% of the time it's good if someone's like at my door or going to be late or something like that, that sometimes people get annoyed with me because I am slow to respond.

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But the journey of presence and like educating myself about what a lot of these technologies are kind of like doing to our attention and some of the downsides of it, and slowly playing with different things to like get it out of my life to the point where I'm good.

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Presence has been, you know, an amazing, amazing thing that I just feel like I can't get enough of.

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And obviously it's never perfect Like you, never.

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You don't live your values like perfectly all the time.

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It's not like I'm never on my cell phone, but the thing about presence as a values it's so important to me that like I'm willing to sacrifice some other things so that I can like prioritize something like that.

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So I would say presence is one that shapes me right now.

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Yeah, that's powerful.

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I'm not the least of which today, because cell phones are so prevalent.

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But, yeah, and, for that matter, technology in general.

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You know there's so many things that, from an industrial point of view not like cogs, gears and Henry Ford, but like aspects of society you almost have to be part cyborg in 2024.

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All right, folks, sit tight and we'll be right back on Transacting Value.

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You almost have to be part cyborg in 2024.

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Like everything right.

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It's not like people are.

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I don't know, maybe they are a Maryland, but at least here around Tampa Bay it's not like people are gathering to talk about stuff, small talk, influential stuff, impactful stuff, parenting, schooling, whatever and if they are, it's pretty deeply polarized.

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I think it's just the culture of the West right now.

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I heard you reference Simon Sinek, I think on one of the pods, so you probably read his stuff and he has like a quote where he says only the other person gets to decide if you're present, right.

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So it's like I'm present, it's like, well, doesn't really feel like it.

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You know your phone's on the table.

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You just told me about a random Tampa Bay.

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You know some guy hit a double, you know, or whatever.

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So I love that Sinek quote.

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I know you your fan has to.

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Yeah, that is a good one.

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You obviously have built your business around the impact of a value system, but everything to this point in our conversation has essentially been individually based.

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Right, it's basically been your experience, your story.

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So I'm curious what do you see, I guess, as the role of values, or what role do you see values having in a family dynamic, because then it's not just individuals.

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I think the first thing is values are a component of vision for us.

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One of the things we try to do for people is and one of the things I think is hard with this space is people throw out words like vision and mission, and how does it all come together?

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Yeah.

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And we adopted the Jim Collins definition of vision, which is purpose plus values.

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And then he had mission.

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But we use roles.

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You know the top roles in your life, but values are a component of vision for us.

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So one of the things we try to do with families really early on is help them get a defined vision, and it's like it doesn't have to be perfect.

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I think that's true of the values too, because we have a value list of 72 that we use.

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Yeah, I saw that that's a lot.

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Yeah, it's a lot, and so we want people to whittle that down, sit with it for a little bit, and then you come back six months later and you're like you know, for my wife and I we had five originally and community was on there and we were like driving to this wedding and it sounds like being married to me is like similar to being married to you, so like or almost married to you.

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So you know, we have very patient wives.

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But I pulled up our values and I was like hey, which one of these like doesn't fit us?

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And I had my answer in my head and she was like community.

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Why did we pick that?

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And I'm like I don't know.

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And so we took community off and once you start to like feel really good about your values, to they become a framework for making decisions, because a lot of times I think when you don't feel good about something you're, a decision you're making or a direction you're headed.

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I think in a lot of ways it's against your value system.

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Yeah, and it's easier to sort of figure that out if you know what it is.

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I think so Not to get too personal into you and your wife, but what impact did you find that that had on you guys as a family unit?

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once you clarified some of those things, so our four are growth, presence, kindness and responsibility.

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And so there's tough decisions to make as a family, like priorities and what we're going to do and how we're going to figure stuff out and how you're going to spend money and what relationships are going to get prioritized, and all that kind of stuff.

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So I feel like values just becomes a way to double check your work.

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So if you're like, all right, we're planning on this, you look at the values.

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You're like is it in violation of any of these?

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Is it consistent with any of these?

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We had a client tell me that you got an offer to go do something.

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It was a speaking engagement and he had been on the road for work doing all this stuff and one of his values was balance and the alternative was going to be at home with his two kids for a Friday night.

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And he was like, when I looked at my values, when I thought about it, I thought of the word balance and it made the decision so easy for me.

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Right, like if you're saying this is important to you, you know, you know what the right decision is.

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You've been on the road for 10 days or whatever it is right.

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And so I think not every decision like.

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It's not like every single decision you're like well, should I have for dinner?

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You know how am I values.

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You're going to help me on that.

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You know it doesn't help there, but as you're building the mental models for yourself as a parent or as a business person or whatever you know, having some of these to lean on can just help you sort of maybe get some more like clarity from the chaos.

00:20:10.160 --> 00:20:37.109
Yeah, I've heard you talk about values being a catalyst for increased clarity and enhanced guidance, especially when you need them, and the majority of my career in the Marine Corps has been in the infantry, and so we have these tenants, these principles, two of which essentially encompass what we've coined as habits of thought and habits of action, and they're not super flashy, they're not super anything more than at face value, right.

00:20:37.109 --> 00:20:38.095
They're not that intuitive.

00:20:38.095 --> 00:20:56.561
They were not really that complicated creatures in the Marine Corps, especially in the infantry, so they're pretty straightforward in your face, right, habits of thought being what you think about repeatedly, habits of action being the actions you take as a result, and the sort of mental map and construct that you were just alluding to sounds a lot like that.

00:20:56.561 --> 00:21:17.769
You build ways to frame certain complex or relatively complex situations, even some that you feel like, at least in my case, I'll put it to you like this I got really depressed maybe a decade ago and I don't mean like it was a bad day and it started raining, coincidentally when I was sad, and I must have had, you know, some sort of impact on my day or perspective.

00:21:17.849 --> 00:21:22.326
I mean, like I just lost sight of who I was, like an identity crisis type depression.

00:21:22.326 --> 00:21:37.875
Didn't go outside for a few days, didn't want to socialize, and the only outlet I felt like I had was acceptance that everything I was hearing from people at face value was exactly what they meant it to sound like, and it just made me feel worse and worse and worse.

00:21:37.875 --> 00:21:40.449
Well, this actually contradict really.

00:21:40.449 --> 00:21:50.653
I had nothing to do with my values, but I had a friend called and all she said was but I mean, is it really that bad If you just open your blinds?

00:21:50.653 --> 00:21:52.539
Is the world really that bad?

00:21:52.710 --> 00:21:54.394
You know, I mean, you know what?

00:21:54.394 --> 00:22:05.461
No, and for me, that's when I started to isolate the impact of perspective, vice judgment and critical thought, vice acceptance, and what gravity and weight those things can have.

00:22:05.461 --> 00:22:15.544
And it wasn't until I changed my outlook that I was able to actually physically change my activities from that point, moving forward and build back up better.

00:22:15.544 --> 00:22:22.532
I guess not to pull politics into this, but it really did make a huge difference once I was able to mentally get my head around what's going on.

00:22:22.532 --> 00:22:30.778
And so, yeah, I think the point you made is pretty powerful how well values can add clarity and can add guidance to your life.

00:22:30.778 --> 00:22:33.337
But here's an interesting question I've got for you.

00:22:33.990 --> 00:22:35.276
You said these are some of the values?

00:22:35.276 --> 00:22:37.557
Yeah, please, please, please, please, yeah.

00:22:37.557 --> 00:22:43.142
So, like I didn't totally answer your question about like family values versus personal values, Okay, go ahead.

00:22:43.471 --> 00:22:49.711
But as you said, on the Marine Corps, like the Marine Corps has values, the infantry has a subset of values, you know.

00:22:49.711 --> 00:22:52.640
I think this is if you work at a company they might have values.

00:22:52.640 --> 00:22:57.019
If you marry into a family they might have some different values kind of thing.

00:22:57.019 --> 00:23:01.603
And so I think it's a lot of families try to.

00:23:01.603 --> 00:23:04.555
You know we say you don't get to pick your kids' values.

00:23:04.555 --> 00:23:09.912
You can show them, oh, okay, you can show them, but you don't get to tell your.

00:23:09.912 --> 00:23:16.316
When you're nine year old or 10 year old, becomes a young man or starts thinking about this type of stuff, he gets to decide his own values.

00:23:16.950 --> 00:23:24.221
It's the country we live in and so you don't have to give up your own values to be part of an organization.

00:23:24.221 --> 00:23:34.876
You know, you certainly probably want to make sure you're working, being affiliated with a place, that are working at a place that doesn't go against your core values, but you don't have to give them up.

00:23:34.876 --> 00:23:36.756
You know you might give up some stuff.

00:23:36.756 --> 00:23:44.897
You know you might give up some of your values to adopt some of the Marine Corps values, but they probably aren't incompatible, right?

00:23:44.897 --> 00:23:49.487
But if you were to go join like a sleeper cell or something like that.

00:23:49.487 --> 00:23:52.578
It would probably be like these are against some of my values.

00:23:52.710 --> 00:24:01.221
So I think for a lot of people where the things they struggle with is like they don't want to give up their individual values and we're just big proponents, that you don't have to.

00:24:01.221 --> 00:24:04.519
When you're joining the Marine Corps, you got to get on the same page with those guys.

00:24:04.519 --> 00:24:10.713
If you're making a family decision so you got a bunch of siblings together, they don't have the same values.

00:24:10.713 --> 00:24:30.500
But if they're making a decision about mom and dad you know, maybe it's a health decision or maybe it's just a big family decision they have to get on the same page with what that decision means and find a value system that they can all agree with for that particular decision, but they don't have to give up their own individual values.

00:24:30.500 --> 00:24:31.936
I don't think anyone has to do that.

00:24:33.372 --> 00:24:35.857
All right, folks, sit tight and we'll be right back on Transacting Value.

00:24:38.109 --> 00:24:38.674
All right, folks.

00:24:38.674 --> 00:24:44.156
If you're looking for more perspective and more podcast, you can check out Transacting Value on Wreaths Across America Radio.

00:24:44.156 --> 00:24:47.792
Listen in on iHeart Audacy, and TuneIn.

00:24:49.816 --> 00:24:57.549
They have to get on the same page with what that decision means and find a value system that they can all agree with for that particular decision.

00:24:57.549 --> 00:25:00.522
But they don't have to give up their own individual values.

00:25:00.522 --> 00:25:01.946
I don't think anyone has to do that.

00:25:02.759 --> 00:25:03.934
Yeah, that is a great point.

00:25:03.934 --> 00:25:07.565
I mean not to harp on the Marine Corps, but ours are out front.

00:25:07.565 --> 00:25:08.247
You know what I mean?

00:25:08.247 --> 00:25:10.682
It says honor, courage, commitment, basically on the sign.

00:25:10.682 --> 00:25:12.266
Actually, I think it is on every sign.

00:25:12.266 --> 00:25:16.513
Yeah, it's all over the place and it makes, I mean, think about it.

00:25:16.513 --> 00:25:39.567
Right, we've got somewhere around 180,000 people, give or take a few thousand, that come from all different backgrounds, some at 17 and some are in their 50s, and Everybody in between, life experience aside, is gonna have a different set of values, and so uniting some of that I guess you could say value-based equity Makes all the difference towards a relatively strong, unified front.

00:25:39.567 --> 00:25:46.767
And it's no different from what I'm seeing in a lot of the blog Points you make on your website and a lot of the stuff you guys have been discussing online.

00:25:46.767 --> 00:25:52.788
That that's the entire premise behind a family unit being a team also right.

00:25:53.355 --> 00:25:55.765
Yeah, I love the like honor, courage, commitment.

00:25:55.765 --> 00:26:15.255
One of the things we say about values is, like a way to check them is to like, put them up in your kitchen, mm-hmm, you know, because you shouldn't have to hide your values, you should be living them, they should be inherent if you get them right, right, so the Marine Corps puts them up and everyone that sees it is like honor, courage, commitment.

00:26:15.255 --> 00:26:18.105
I mean, that sounds pretty Marine course to me, right?

00:26:18.105 --> 00:26:23.035
You know, it's not like they have like something that is incompatible with what they are.

00:26:23.035 --> 00:26:30.367
Yeah, if you think about that for a family too, if you put up those, you know, we say no more than five, but we're not really sticklers.

00:26:30.367 --> 00:26:40.040
Usually it's like three to five and you would want, you know, someone to walk into your kitchen, see them and be like, yeah, Sounds about right, check us out.

00:26:40.060 --> 00:26:42.601
Yeah, you know, there's a saying I can't remember now.

00:26:43.262 --> 00:26:46.239
We had on the show One of our contributors last season.

00:26:46.239 --> 00:27:06.961
The point just sort of developed into the conversation where your Reputation is what precedes you to any event or social sphere of influence, but your character is what you leave behind, because it's the piece that you control, it's the impact you actually have, and so a lot of that it's rooted into how you see the world.

00:27:06.961 --> 00:27:25.029
Like we said, habits of thought, habits of action, and so when you've worked with people individuals, families, qualified, how you like but when you've worked with people, I have to imagine, based on a lot of the people that I know, the majority being veterans there's some sort of an internal dialogue that happens.

00:27:25.029 --> 00:27:33.515
Like I understand, this is what my family is trying to work into or design, but this is what I bring, or I don't even know what I bring.

00:27:33.515 --> 00:27:42.599
How do you recommend Families work with let's call it combat related identities, these extra sort of unique Experiences that most people don't have?

00:27:42.599 --> 00:27:46.208
Have you guys work families that are sort of blended with stuff like that?

00:27:46.935 --> 00:27:47.939
Yeah, I mean we have.

00:27:47.939 --> 00:27:57.030
You know, using an example that I'm comfortable sharing is like I said, my dad is a is a Vet, yeah, and so him and his spouse have gone through a lot of our stuff.

00:27:57.030 --> 00:28:01.414
Now, again, I don't think this, as we've donated time and done various things.

00:28:01.414 --> 00:28:06.919
You know we've worked with people who have gone through trauma, or Veterans, as you talk about.

00:28:06.919 --> 00:28:19.238
We don't replace any of the stuff that those people need, like trauma therapy and post-traumatic stress and talking to doctors and we don't replace any of that, yeah.

00:28:20.976 --> 00:28:29.798
I would say to anyone that is, you know, thinking about doing some of this work your example of Open up the blinds.

00:28:29.798 --> 00:28:31.625
Take one step out.

00:28:32.655 --> 00:28:37.065
You know we provide a lot of our stuff just on our site for free so people can go in there and see it.

00:28:37.065 --> 00:28:48.705
Like we provide our value list so you can grab our value list and take five minutes and look through it and just cross out like ten that you don't think apply to you and just set the paper aside.

00:28:48.705 --> 00:28:56.558
You know, or write about some of the stuff that you're thinking about or you're trying to develop, or pull, you know, pull out of yourself.

00:28:56.558 --> 00:28:59.366
You know most of our, most of our sessions are 90 minutes.

00:28:59.366 --> 00:29:05.555
You know that's like one Netflix episode, right, like so kids aren't so much media for five hours a day.

00:29:05.555 --> 00:29:09.847
It's not a ton of time but the time compounds.

00:29:10.189 --> 00:29:18.154
So to anyone that is like man, how do I tackle something so big, so self-reflective of this type of work?

00:29:18.154 --> 00:29:25.460
It's like you just do it a little bit at a time, go for a walk outside for 20 minutes and Think about some of this stuff.

00:29:25.460 --> 00:29:39.029
You know, think about questions like how do you want to be remembered, or what's the most important thing to you, or if you think about a time like a memory that you never would want to lose, your most treasured memory.

00:29:39.029 --> 00:29:40.861
You know, like what's in that?

00:29:40.861 --> 00:29:42.125
What do you see?

00:29:42.125 --> 00:29:50.298
Because all these things are like just kind of like little hints for ourselves over time and it's not an epiphany, you know.

00:29:50.298 --> 00:29:58.528
Come back and you're like, oh my, I haven't all figured out, but you're just trying to get a little bit clearer, maybe tomorrow than you were today.

00:29:58.528 --> 00:30:04.268
You know, just like any workout, just like over time, and you look back and you're like man, you know, I've done some good work.

00:30:04.675 --> 00:30:07.965
Yeah, a lot of that struggle, I think.

00:30:07.965 --> 00:30:14.988
Maybe not struggle to commit to thinking about things like that, but Struggle to gain clarity is just.

00:30:14.988 --> 00:30:36.888
I feel like we go so long unwitting to our own growth and development because we just are Existing or are Experiencing or whatever, and it's easy to neglect and then that becomes the pattern and, like any other pattern, the older we get, to unlearn it and relearn a new one is tricky and I think to some points it gets scary and it causes anxiety to try to face.

00:30:36.888 --> 00:30:38.734
I don't know who I am anymore.

00:30:38.734 --> 00:30:39.782
I've lost my role.

00:30:39.782 --> 00:30:41.194
Oh, here's a good one for you.

00:30:41.194 --> 00:30:41.756
I'm like what are you doing?

00:30:41.776 --> 00:30:43.179
Transitioning out of the military?

00:30:43.179 --> 00:30:48.609
I mean retiring, ending a contract, medically separating, administrative, whatever the circumstance.

00:30:48.609 --> 00:31:09.075
We've got veterans all over the country and I'm sure in some cases all over the world, that end their military service and Then think, hmm, I can get a job Right and just make, do and do whatever I need to, but like, as a person, I'm not that service member, I'm not that soldier, that marine, that airman, that whichever anymore.

00:31:09.075 --> 00:31:13.079
So Am I right?

00:31:13.079 --> 00:31:15.426
I'm sure that question happens for individuals a lot.

00:31:15.426 --> 00:31:20.015
Have you ever seen it happen within a family dynamic like you know what a great question.

00:31:20.015 --> 00:31:24.487
We're all in our late 20s to 70s and we've never actually thought about it.

00:31:24.487 --> 00:31:28.203
Where do you start at ground zero when your decades behind the power curve?

00:31:28.825 --> 00:31:31.248
Yeah, you know the roles are constantly changing.

00:31:31.248 --> 00:31:46.021
We talk about roles in our second session that we do with families and you know to your point, more so with, like, retirees or new parents or new grandparents, or losing someone, losing a spouse.

00:31:46.021 --> 00:31:49.288
Spouse is a huge role in someone's life.

00:31:49.288 --> 00:31:53.976
When you lose spouse, you lose your loved one, your significant other.

00:31:53.976 --> 00:32:07.377
That spouse, spouse role is gone and sometimes you get to choose, sometimes you don't, in terms of how these roles kind of shift, and so we like roles as a way to look at the problems.

00:32:07.377 --> 00:32:10.121
Again, we talked about frameworks or mental models.

00:32:10.121 --> 00:32:17.933
So it's like, if you do roles, we try to give people that, give us their top five roles in their life.

00:32:17.933 --> 00:32:30.887
You know like they're broad, you know spouse, parent, child, friend, learner, executive, podcast, whatever that kind of stuff Like roles that they feel, that they feel and that is most important to them.

00:32:31.088 --> 00:32:31.348
Okay.

00:32:31.990 --> 00:32:34.753
And then that gives you a way to look at that transition.

00:32:34.753 --> 00:32:55.441
Because let's say, you leave the military and I'm kind of talking like I'm I'm just a hypothetical again but you leave the military and if you look at the roles that you played were when you were in the military, let's say that role was like 70% of your life, 80% of your life, yeah, which my guess is for a lot of people it is yeah, so right.

00:32:55.441 --> 00:33:05.154
So then it's like I think it one just normalizes what you're feeling a little bit, because you're like man, I feel like there's like a gaping hole in my life.

00:33:05.154 --> 00:33:17.833
It's like there is something that you devoted 85% of your time to is now gone, but the work becomes how are you going to fill it and how are you going to work through those transitions?

00:33:17.833 --> 00:33:26.989
And so I think those are things that you have to develop as a person, whether it's I know when I'm stuck I go for a walk.

00:33:27.650 --> 00:33:28.991
I know when I'm stuck I write.

00:33:28.991 --> 00:33:34.119
When I'm in a rut for me, I read a ton like audio books.

00:33:34.119 --> 00:33:35.842
I just like read.

00:33:35.842 --> 00:33:50.320
I just know that I'm stuck, and the reading over time just like dislodged something, but for some people it's like a workout or it's going to see their friends, or it's just you know doing something or like obviously you want to be kind of healthy to get through it.

00:33:50.320 --> 00:34:01.799
But I think for everyone, especially in those times of transition, having a way for you to work through it and knowing what works for you is really healthy, because you'll figure it out, you're going to fill it.

00:34:02.826 --> 00:34:05.353
All right, folks, sit tight and we'll be right back on Transacting Value.

00:34:07.005 --> 00:34:09.929
This message is from the US Department of Veterans Affairs.

00:34:09.929 --> 00:34:21.561
Va Disability Compensation is a monthly tax-free payment to veterans who got sick or injured in the military, and to veterans whose service worsened an existing condition.

00:34:21.561 --> 00:34:30.440
You may qualify for VA Disability Compensation for physical and mental health conditions that developed or worsened due to service.

00:34:30.440 --> 00:34:32.648
Learn more at va.

00:34:32.648 --> 00:34:33.610
gov/disability.

00:34:37.565 --> 00:34:50.809
But I think for everyone, especially in those times of transition, having a way for you to work through it and knowing what works for you is really healthy, because you'll figure it out, you're going to fill it, you're going to fill that role Somehow, one way or another.

00:34:51.409 --> 00:34:57.659
No doubt, yeah, yeah, well, so okay, in the time we have left, let me ask you one more question here what's the future?

00:34:57.659 --> 00:34:59.083
Look like, Alex.

00:34:59.083 --> 00:34:59.565
What's the future?

00:34:59.565 --> 00:35:26.436
Times have changed, let's just say, here in the United States, over the last 70 years, give or take generationally, let's say, since World War II, the public discourse around the impact of value systems has shifted, I think, pretty notably and pretty clearly, starting from the education system through any other industry and aspect in our societies, but also within family households, since, I don't know, mid to late 70s to present.

00:35:26.436 --> 00:35:27.338
Yeah.

00:35:27.965 --> 00:35:28.585
So what now?

00:35:28.585 --> 00:35:29.568
Or what next?

00:35:29.568 --> 00:35:31.230
What's the future look like?

00:35:31.230 --> 00:35:32.572
How do we reel it back in?

00:35:32.572 --> 00:35:34.034
How do we increase exposure?

00:35:34.034 --> 00:35:35.777
What's the process?

00:35:35.777 --> 00:35:37.278
Where do you see it going?

00:35:37.298 --> 00:35:42.393
based on your experiences, I mean, I don't totally know, like it's a very broad question.

00:35:42.393 --> 00:35:56.405
I'm also awful at predictions, but I would say that the New Morgan House of Book, same as ever, when he's talking about investments, he's like just find stuff that doesn't change and bet on that.

00:35:56.405 --> 00:35:59.791
Right, and they're harder to find than you would think.

00:35:59.791 --> 00:36:04.199
But he gives a lot of cool examples, but I think one of them is like people love their family.

00:36:04.199 --> 00:36:06.246
Family is very, very important.

00:36:06.507 --> 00:36:10.391
It's hard for me to see a future where people are like family.

00:36:10.391 --> 00:36:24.193
I'm not sure, you know, don't know if I really care about my offspring and my loved ones and that kind of stuff, right, right, but it's getting magnified a little bit because the younger generations are struggling with mental health in a big way.

00:36:24.193 --> 00:36:39.320
So talking about a lot of this type of stuff is getting more normalized, right, and people had this crazy COVID experience where, like, everything was stripped out and they were able to evaluate what was really really important to them.

00:36:39.320 --> 00:36:44.090
And you know, some people came out of that thinking one thing, some people came out thinking another.

00:36:44.090 --> 00:36:46.894
But I think a lot of people came out being like man.

00:36:46.914 --> 00:36:53.744
My personal life, my relationships, my family is very important to me because when all that stuff was taken away.

00:36:53.744 --> 00:36:54.565
I didn't like that.

00:36:54.565 --> 00:36:56.106
I didn't like that at all.

00:36:56.106 --> 00:37:03.117
And so if you look out at the future and you start to say, like, how is our world going to adjust?

00:37:03.117 --> 00:37:08.525
You know, for that type of stuff, you know we see a lot of two working parent households.

00:37:08.525 --> 00:37:22.380
So it's like if you're returned to office, policy in a two working parent household makes a mom or a dad unable to sort of fulfill their roles in being a mom or a dad.

00:37:22.380 --> 00:37:28.496
You're in trouble Because no one is going to pick your company over their kid, right?

00:37:28.496 --> 00:37:38.099
And so I think, like, as people start to carve out more space for this type of stuff, I'll tell you something that I love that you guys were shut down for the holidays.

00:37:38.565 --> 00:37:52.541
Yeah you know, we shut down for the holidays, we put our company calendar out in advance, we block out all these dates and it's because people need time to like, decompress you with their families, that kind of stuff.

00:37:52.541 --> 00:37:55.612
And I just think we work with a number of law firms.

00:37:55.612 --> 00:38:03.547
They struggle to keep young attorneys because it's like hey, 80 hours a week, five days in the office, it's like wow, that sounds great.

00:38:03.547 --> 00:38:04.047
Yeah.

00:38:04.407 --> 00:38:18.565
So like, eventually people are just going to stop either gravitating towards that profession or not going to that firm or some firms that are more progressive, or just going to get all the great attorneys because they're more open minded and thinking about that type of stuff.

00:38:20.847 --> 00:38:27.394
Yeah, I think it's just like people's personal lives, their families are going to continue to grow in importance.

00:38:27.394 --> 00:38:29.036
Everyone's living longer.

00:38:29.036 --> 00:38:32.221
You know, like 100 years ago, everyone lived to be 37.

00:38:32.221 --> 00:38:38.333
Like I would have already been gone, right, and so now everyone's living longer.

00:38:38.333 --> 00:38:40.335
So these relationships are in our lives.

00:38:40.335 --> 00:38:48.485
You know, for decades and decades and decades, people are retiring and then they're alive for 35 more years after they retire, right.

00:38:48.887 --> 00:39:00.525
And so I think all that stuff is is just changing and the smart companies that we see, the smart firms, are letting their people be people and really meeting it.

00:39:00.525 --> 00:39:11.704
You know, not like our company has values and it's fake and it's like, oh, wow, you care about your people and they're like, yeah, but they don't have maternity leave, Or bad bed healthcare or whatever.

00:39:11.704 --> 00:39:22.164
So I think there's like an authenticity that people are looking for and I think companies are just gonna have to deal with the fact that people wanna be human beings first.

00:39:22.164 --> 00:39:29.204
And, by the way, I don't think this impacts the work products whatsoever, like we're a 100% remote company.

00:39:29.715 --> 00:39:30.994
You know, we have coaches all over the country.

00:39:30.994 --> 00:39:32.280
We have clients all over the country.

00:39:32.280 --> 00:39:35.041
I don't know when people clock in.

00:39:35.041 --> 00:39:37.882
We've never discussed it, right.

00:39:37.882 --> 00:39:53.661
We have reliable, smart people that support our clients and they make room for TFM in their life, and I think more of that is needed, and the companies that start to think about this type of stuff earlier are just gonna win the talent war.

00:39:53.661 --> 00:40:05.641
And the talent war is gonna be really, really important in these coming decades because the younger generation didn't get as much development resources as our generation did.

00:40:05.641 --> 00:40:12.581
They weren't forced to come into the office and sit with a manager and do business lunches and all that kind of stuff.

00:40:12.581 --> 00:40:21.420
So I think that companies are gonna start figuring out ways to really invest in and care about their people, and those companies are gonna have a huge advantage.

00:40:22.043 --> 00:40:23.266
Oh yeah, yeah, I think so.

00:40:23.266 --> 00:40:25.342
I was just reading this the other night actually.

00:40:25.342 --> 00:40:28.943
So, like I said, I'm a reservist and now my call it day job.

00:40:28.943 --> 00:40:36.141
I'm a realtor down here in Florida, around Tampa Bay primarily, and so I was looking at our comprehensive plan for Hillsborough County, which is Tampa Bay County.

00:40:36.141 --> 00:40:41.858
It was written in 2016 and it's projecting in that document by 2040.

00:40:42.599 --> 00:40:50.284
77% of the global workforce by 2040 is gonna be born between 77 and 96.

00:40:50.284 --> 00:41:02.521
That's the millennial frame for demographics, and so everything that you just described the upbringing, the challenges, the exposure in the workplace that isn't necessarily there anymore for this now up and coming generation.

00:41:02.521 --> 00:41:08.442
I mean that falls to us as millennials, theoretically, to bring it about and keep it current.

00:41:08.442 --> 00:41:23.219
We are the managing, leading executorial branch of society, like we're on the cusp over the next 10 to 15 years to be able to bring that into the next group, and so I think to look at what's going around digitally to say, what are kids watching these days?

00:41:23.219 --> 00:41:24.204
Why are they listening to that?

00:41:24.204 --> 00:41:26.221
Why are they gonna be the difference?

00:41:26.221 --> 00:41:32.378
Then Find a way to do it like what you guys are putting out of what we're able to do on a podcast, Alex, I think this was great.

00:41:33.034 --> 00:41:38.844
I think there's a lot of or we could discuss, but for the sake of time, just not right now.

00:41:38.844 --> 00:41:44.840
So in the last couple of minutes we've got anybody that wants to get up with TFM, anybody that wants to reach out to you.

00:41:44.840 --> 00:41:47.521
Well, I guess they can't reach out to you You're not on social but anybody else.

00:41:47.521 --> 00:41:50.682
How do they get down to you, to your coaches?

00:41:50.682 --> 00:41:51.998
Follow your blogs.

00:41:51.998 --> 00:41:53.739
How do people follow along?

00:41:54.315 --> 00:41:54.315
Totalfamily.

00:41:54.315 --> 00:41:57.143
io is the website.

00:41:57.143 --> 00:41:58.340
That's probably all you need.

00:41:58.340 --> 00:41:59.518
I am on LinkedIn.

00:41:59.518 --> 00:42:06.302
Like I said, we work with a lot of family offices, we work with a lot of wealth firms and we work with a lot of families directly.

00:42:06.302 --> 00:42:06.996
But, totalfamily.

00:42:06.996 --> 00:42:12.182
io, if you go to the resources page, you'll see a lot of the stuff that you referenced.

00:42:12.182 --> 00:42:16.822
We just try to put our ideas out there so that they're helpful for people.

00:42:16.822 --> 00:42:28.920
I think you use Facebook or a couple other avenues probably more than we do, so maybe you'll get a chance to some people, will get a chance to hear about this kind of stuff that we haven't reached before.

00:42:28.920 --> 00:42:29.621
But totalfamily.

00:42:29.621 --> 00:42:33.853
io and yeah, it's great being on here talking to you.

00:42:34.114 --> 00:42:35.961
Yeah, I really appreciate the opportunity.

00:42:35.961 --> 00:42:40.757
And, for the record now, anybody listening to this conversation, the link to totalfamily.

00:42:40.757 --> 00:42:43.184
io will be in the description as well.

00:42:43.184 --> 00:42:45.021
So, depending on your player, click See More.

00:42:45.021 --> 00:42:45.704
Click Show More.

00:42:45.704 --> 00:42:46.699
You'll see it in the description.

00:42:46.699 --> 00:42:59.864
Alex, you guys are going to be on Wreaths Across America radio because we also play through them, so you get a whole slew new audience that you may not otherwise have reached as well, and obviously on our show, which now we're international.

00:42:59.864 --> 00:43:01.561
So you'll be all over the place, man.

00:43:02.175 --> 00:43:05.943
But I appreciate the opportunity and you guys making some time in your schedule.

00:43:05.943 --> 00:43:09.702
I know you've got other commitments too, so putting time into your day to come out and talk.

00:43:09.702 --> 00:43:15.181
So thanks, I appreciate it, thank you, thank you to our show partners and folks.

00:43:15.181 --> 00:43:28.521
Thank you for tuning in and appreciating our value as we all grow through life together to check out our other conversations, merchandise or even to contribute through feedback, follows, time, money or talent, and let us know what you think of the show.

00:43:28.521 --> 00:43:30.478
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00:43:30.478 --> 00:43:32.764
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00:43:32.764 --> 00:43:41.617
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00:43:41.617 --> 00:43:43.523
That was Transacting Value.