Self-Discovery and Parenting with Reesa Murala

Transcript

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The views expressed in this podcast are solely those of the podcast host and guest and do not necessarily represent those of our distribution partners, supporting business relationships or supported audience.

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Welcome to Transacting Value, where we talk about practical applications for instigating self-worth when dealing with each other and even within ourselves, where we foster a podcast listening experience that lets you hear the power of a value system for managing burnout, establishing boundaries, fostering community and finding identity.

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My name is Josh Porthouse, I'm your host and we are redefining sovereignty of character.

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This is why values still hold value.

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This is Transacting Value.

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Yes, respect, but it's not just to authority figures, it's respect to all, no matter the age, no matter what they look like.

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It's just going forth and really emulating.

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How can we treat others with the respect that they deserve, just because they're human beings and they're alive.

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Today on Transacting Value.

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How does prioritizing you and your relationship become so important as parents when discovering your own identity?

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Well, it's complicated.

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Long-distance to end a strange relationship seems to be the hallmark of all high-stress occupational marriages.

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So how do we embrace for impact?

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Risa Murala, owner of Embrace Renewal Therapy, licensed marriage and family therapist and host of the Real Family Eats, is here to talk all about it.

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I'm Josh Porthouse, I'm your host and from SDYT Media.

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This is Transacting Value.

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Carissa, how are you doing?

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I'm doing pretty well.

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How about yourself?

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I'm good.

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I'm good.

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And first let me say I have to assume you've got a busy life, you're a licensed therapist, you're a parent yourself and you've got your own things.

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You've got to take care of hobbies, preferences, quiet time, whatever you need.

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So thanks for lending some of it here to come on the show.

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I appreciate it.

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Yes, absolutely.

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Thank you very much for having me.

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Absolutely.

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Now you said a couple things before we recorded that I think are really interesting, a couple things before we recorded that I think are really interesting.

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First off, as a parent, and correct me if I'm wrong.

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It's okay to prioritize yourself over your kids.

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A hundred percent, in fact.

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I think it's necessary in order for us to create a thriving family system that I think most parents want for their family, for their life.

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Okay, well, let's qualify this then how do you define a thriving family system?

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So for me, the way that I like to describe it is we're moving out of that survival mode where we're purely reactive to what's happening.

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We are thinking things are coming at us and there's really no game plan, there's really nothing in place.

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And then thriving is moving us to a place where we have a little bit more capacity to actually be present and be enjoying what's happening and enjoying the joy that's happening.

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So much of parenthood, it's fleeting, it's fast, and if we are in survival mode we are missing so much of it because we are purely just trying to catch the bullets as they're coming and hope that we can keep up, if you will.

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And so thriving is really moving us out of that place of just catching bullets and really being able to be in it and to really just soak it all up, because as the minutes pass, any parent out there gosh, it goes by so fast.

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I heard this before and I can't remember who said it, but we basically have 18 years to help raise the next generation, and this is a generic baseline, obviously but to help raise the next generation to be prepared for the next 80.

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That's a tall order.

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So how do you ensure that there's enough time to relax and enjoy the present?

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That's a great question, because you're absolutely right and I think, when you put it in that perspective, I think that's part of the reason why so many parents, we kind of get caught up in that monumental pressure of, oh my goodness, I only have these 18 years to make this really big dent in somebody else's life and so I need to put everything, all my stuff, all of my issues I got to put on the back burner because this person is dependent on me and I only have so much time to get it all in there.

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And so I think that and I highlight that because it's not coming from a place of trying to shame or say we're doing something wrong I think it truly comes from this very internal place of just wanting to help this person be the best that they can be.

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And so, in reality, time is going fast and we are busy as parents, and so some of that is creating boundaries and creating limits, of really figuring out will it be okay if they don't play every single sport underneath the sun?

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I think they will be if that allows us, if that allows us, though, just one more day in our weekend where we're not having to cart the kids around to an early morning game, so that we can sit, maybe in our PJs, and have a brunch and be able to just enjoy each other, enjoy ourselves, enjoy our relationship with a parent partner Gosh.

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I think, in the grand scheme of things, it's so worth it.

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But now, what about the flip side then of that point where making time for the kids is the luxury I mean?

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For example, I just got off my active duty contract in the Marine Corps about a year ago, and up to that point I mean it was 15 years of.

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You guys don't get a say right, you get an opinion and we can talk through some of those things when they got old enough.

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You know, and, however, any other families address these considerations.

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But generally speaking, if one of you, or in some cases even both of you, have to contend with some of these military contracts, or you know your police officers, who else?

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Firefighters, teachers, lawyers, nurses, doctors, I mean it's all the same sort of parallel right, like, I can't make it to your game this weekend, bud, I got to work.

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What about then?

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How do you ensure that there's still inclusivity and some degree of boundaries when you don't necessarily have control over where those boundaries fall?

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Yeah, I think some of that is getting creative on what the time that you do have, the time that is available, what that actually looks like, and being intentional about it and prioritizing it, and so some of that is going to, in my experience, at least in the folks that I work with as well.

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Some of that is maybe it is just a couple minutes of let's have a dance party, let's put the phones away, let's put the devices away, and let's put the devices away and let's just turn on just a music and just start moving our bodies.

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I don't have a ton of time, but I can take a couple minutes, and so is that an option where maybe, instead of taking the 10-minute toilet break with our phone, we take an eight-minute break and we come out and we just have that couple of minutes of intentional time.

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Or if they are, let's say, they're feeling sad that you have to leave and you are missing one of their games, being able to just that couple minutes, yeah I am totally feeling sad to you and getting on their level and relating to that emotion, the connection that we're able to make in that moment, can actually do so much more in rebuilding and securing that attachment and that relationship.

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They don't need us there 100% of the time.

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You know, life is real.

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We've got to put food on the table, and sometimes that includes a job that doesn't provide us the luxury of, and tons of time at home.

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It's making the time that we do have very intentional, very meaningful in the ways that we're connecting with ourselves, with our children, with our partners.

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Alrighty, folks sit tight and we'll be right back on Transacting Value.

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Today my bank made a big mistake, but I forgave them.

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My server spilled water on me, but I forgave him.

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My toddler drew lipstick on the wall.

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Was I ever mad?

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It got me thinking.

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I can forgive my bank and my server, but I'm upset with my own kid.

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I mean, what's most important here?

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So tonight the two of us are doing lipstick art On paper.

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Forgiveness is in you.

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Pass it on From PassItOncom.

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It's making the time that we do have very intentional, very meaningful in the ways that we're connecting with ourselves, with our children, with our partners, the ways that we're connecting with ourselves, with our children, with our partners.

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So I grew up in a household that I think I've come to associate as, like the time lords.

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Okay.

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Where I didn't know any differently than my only two options to exist were either living in the future or living in the past.

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And there wasn't, for my own perception, at least in perspective.

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That was the present, that was the norm.

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Like this is we.

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We just worry about what we're doing is going to impact something later and how it can, whatever contingency and consideration affect this decision-making process.

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Or but think about everything you've already caused and done and what's happened, and so on and so forth.

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And so the present was this constant state of I don't know analysis.

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Maybe I don't know.

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For me it just didn't quite click that there was any individual, singular difference as an identity of presence.

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And so then, growing up, I think I adopted that to my own perspective and then eventually, as a parent, it became my own parenting style, because it was, I don't know it was just what I knew.

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It didn't even occur to me that there was any difference, so there needed to be a difference, and so there was a handful of medical issues when my son was younger that we had to contend with.

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But I was deployed, and so my ex-wife was doing it on her own, essentially as a single mom, some support from her family, some support from my family, but, like you know, the ownership, the responsibility was on her, and so the the toll that that took, in addition to a few other things, in our case became irreparable yeah and then we got divorced, right.

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And so what about in those circumstances?

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Like, sure, they can serve, these intentional moments can serve to bring people together as a bonding experience, but, like in that instance I mean that was an intentional presence out of necessity that actually based on how things had played out, didn't it basically pushed us further apart.

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Yeah.

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So I mean, is that common, Is that uncommon?

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I think that you know, maybe not in the exact same way that you're talking about, because everybody's a little bit unique, so to see that you know somebody's walking exactly in those shoes, I can't necessarily say that.

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However, when we have those really trying moments, absolutely I think that piece of it's either going to be a catalyst for bringing us closer together or, more common of what I see, is really testing that and pushing us further apart and pushing us further apart.

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And that's part of the reason, you know, in the work that I do, I do focus and I do allow space so much for the parents, the ones that are working so hard to try to support these children, to give them permission, essentially, to be able to pour back into themselves and pour back into their relationships, because it does allow us a better capacity when these external forces are really trying what's happening inside our family system and being able to kind of come together versus having us turn away.

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And so much so that you know, if we get in that habit of just naturally we're going to turn away, whether it's because for me, you know, what I know is processing either I'm in the future or I'm in the past.

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It's really hard for me to kind of be in this moment, in a present way.

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You know, if that's something that again, like you said, that's all I know it can be really hard to kind of go internally and then our partner, our teammate, who's maybe going to be our only source of support because we, and then our partner, our teammate, who's maybe going to be our only source of support because we don't have a ton of community, is further away.

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Even if you're physically away, there's still opportunities that we could turn towards each other emotionally and connect.

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But sometimes that's not our instinct, when again, that gut, or maybe what we know, is kind of turning inwards and oh, I'll figure it out, I've got to do this kind of alone, and so we don't necessarily share some of those struggles, because there's a fear that if you see how much I'm struggling, you won't want to be with me anyways, or you won't love me or you won't like the things that I'm thinking, and so that instinct to kind of turn away because we want to shield that person, well, when we do that it by and large ends up tearing us apart and kind of almost reaffirming some of that narrative.

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And so I think there are opportunities, there are times where maybe we do need to just say, hey, I'm not sure what's going on right now and I do need a minute to process things alone, or I do need to kind of work through this.

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I'm here, I want to come back to you, but then in those moments again, we're allowing some sort of touch together and allowing us to work through some of those things that are really trying.

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Yeah, well, okay.

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Did I answer your question.

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Yes, yes, yes.

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So let's do this For, obviously, everybody who's new to the show, unfamiliar with you or well, or your show for that matter, let's do this.

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Where did you get this experience from?

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Take a couple minutes.

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Who are you?

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Where are you from?

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What sort of things are contributing to your passion for this?

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Why are parents and couples your focus?

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How did all this come about?

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So I grew up in what I would consider now an environment with emotionally immature parents, so there was a lot of chaos, a lot of abuse in my home, and so that's what I saw you talk about.

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That's all I know.

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All I know for me was surviving and figuring out what that was going to look like.

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How do I protect the younger people that are around me, and so that definitely took a toll on my own well-being, just growing up and this is, I'm talking, childhood 0 through 18 kind of deal, and so I'm the person in that moment I ended up getting really drawn into theater, musical theater.

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My undergrad, surprisingly enough you wouldn't know it is in musical theater, and so part of that really came, I think, from the chaos that I was living in at home.

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I was looking for a way to just get some sort of relief, some sort of escape, because I didn't know any better, and for me I'm looking at it as this is my norm, but this norm feels incredibly uncomfortable and incredibly hurtful and painful to be able to explore different things, have different identities, maybe have a different life that wasn't quite as chaotic as mine, or was chaotic, but in a very different way, and so it allowed me opportunities to maybe see things that I wasn't quite seeing.

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And then fast forward to the end of my college, my undergrad.

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I was about to graduate and I got a medical diagnosis that took me out of the game for continuing on with musical theater, and essentially, the doctor said you can't handle that, your body can't, and so I said, oh, my goodness, I just spent four years of my undergrad earning a degree in something you're telling me I can't do anymore, and so I went forward trying to figure out what plan B was.

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It took me a little bit, but I got there, and I got to a point of figuring out what were some of the things that I really enjoyed about theater as well, and how could I combine that about things about my own life.

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And so I was very fortunate In my undergrad I had access to the on-campus counselor, who helped really change my life and helped really give me a different perspective, and finally was the first person that told me hey, what you experienced, that was not okay, that was not normal, and she just blew my mind because, again, that's all I knew.

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And so she really helped be a catalyst for my own personal change in my own life and I really enjoyed.

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One of the other things I really enjoyed aside from it being a relief for myself or a place that I could go, that was kind of safe for me theater.

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I also really loved when people afterwards, after the shows, they would come up to me and they would say, gosh, I was having such a really rough day and I was able to come to the theater for just this couple of hours.

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I got to push pause and I got to just take a little bit of that load off.

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That was so amazing.

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Thank you so much for providing me that opportunity.

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And so I started figuring out well, hey, is there a way for me to combine these two, combine someone who helped change my life and also still provide some of that relief, but on a longer basis?

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And so that's what kind of moved me into theater.

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But for me, what really helped my particular niche that I'm now in in supporting couples and parents is that when I became a parent, what all the work that I thought I had done?

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I had gone through my whole grad program, you know.

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I got tons of therapy myself and I thought, cool, I'm, I'm, I know exactly what I'm doing.

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And then I became a parent, myself and my son also some.

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My oldest um had some severe high medical needs.

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At age three months he stopped eating altogether, would not eat at all, not by bottle, not by breast, nothing Stopped eating.

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His weight drastically declined.

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It was a very trying time and that took so much toll on my own mental wellness, on my relationship wellness.

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I remember there were periods where I was purely in survival mode and I would just disassociate in a way that there was nothing there because that was so much safer than the state that my mind was in and I thought, gosh, there's not enough support for us as parents, for my relationship in that moment of someone who really got what it's like as a parent to support us in that way.

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There was a lot of postpartum, but mine was yes, there were some postpartum aspects, but it was purely because of this big catalyst moment that was happening in our life that we weren't prepared for that.

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We can actually be more prepared to help these thriving human beings or, hopefully, thriving future generations, wow.

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And how is your son now?

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So he is about to go into middle school this next year, so we've made it Good, good, good, good.

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Congratulations.

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Thank you.

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Okay, good Now then.

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So you talked about a couple things that I think are important to unpack in a little bit more depth.

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I mean, first of all, the disassociation.

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Do you think that was a result of stress, a result of a defense mechanism, a necessity, just a process at a pace you were more mature or ready enough to handle?

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What role do you think that played?

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I think for me it was a little bit of column B and a little bit of column C that you mentioned, the escapism.

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That's what I had been doing, that's what I knew Growing up.

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If we go back to theater, that's why it was my safe place.

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It gave me an opportunity to escape.

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I think in those moments again when things are really really dark and it's hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel, that's for me, some of that disassociation was.

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That is so incredibly scary that I have from my own survival, my own, you know.

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So I don't completely go off the deep end, I have to just numb out for a little bit and not, you know, numb out for a little bit and not think about that.

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And I think then, as a result of that, because I got a little bit of that relief, just for that little tiny moment, it then did allow me an opportunity to start processing gosh.

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This is really scary and I don't know what to do and I'm freaking out here.

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Alrighty folks, if you're looking for more perspective and more podcasts, you can check out Transacting Value on Weeds Across America Radio.

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Listen in on iHeartRadio, odyssey and TuneIn.

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Then, as a result of that, because I got a little bit of that relief just for that little tiny moment it then did allow me an opportunity to start processing gosh.

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This is really scary and I don't know what to do and I'm I'm freaking out here did you say that out loud?

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not until much later yeah, did I allow myself the permission to say that out loud yeah, because there's, there's like this I don't know, it's a thing that happens, whatever the thing is, it's just, it is a thing you know we're like, once you say it out loud, it's real.

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And I think that's when the well, I think that's when one of two things kicks in one may be the fear or the futility, or sort of the dark side of the force starts to creep in, or the acceptance, the ownership, the problem framing, maybe problem solving, critical thought, discernment, good side of the force starts to kick in, and I, I think that's that's a powerful moment, though, and, like you said, the permission, like you got to be ready for it, and if you're not ready, everything just gets more complex or compounds, I think in this example, more towards the dark side than it does any other more positive outcome.

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And so how did you work through it?

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I mean, you eventually obviously got to a point where you could process and work through things and take care of it, but from what I assume, it wasn't like watching the wiggles on repeat.

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So what did it?

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I think for me it was when I did finally start even just a little bit, saying it out loud.

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So some of for me I can't speak for anybody else, but I know for me, when I was in it, part of my brain is really good at and I find with a lot of the folks that I work with, our brains can be really good at kind of spinning this narrative that are usually kind of created.

00:25:12.804 --> 00:25:18.318
You know archetypes throughout our life, you know things that we've experienced that kind of create this belief.

00:25:18.318 --> 00:25:25.662
And so when we're in those really dark moments, you know to kind of say, hey, I'm freaking out and I have no idea what I'm doing here.

00:25:27.191 --> 00:25:40.554
One of my big narratives that I was fighting against was I had this idea, I had been told numerous times because my instinct with some of the things that I had been through was always to care for other people.

00:25:40.554 --> 00:25:47.993
I was always kind of the mother in the group, if you will, and so there was that narrative of oh my goodness, you're going to be such a good mother.

00:25:47.993 --> 00:25:50.096
So there was that narrative of oh my goodness, you're going to be such a good mother.

00:25:50.096 --> 00:25:59.445
And so here, all of a sudden, I've got this child, who you know, basic need of eating, of feeding your child, I could not do.

00:25:59.445 --> 00:26:12.797
And so, all of a sudden, if I were to say I'm freaking out and I don't know what I'm doing here, it would be the complete antithesis of this narrative of oh my goodness, you'd be such a great mother and I'd be admitting just this failure.

00:26:12.797 --> 00:26:23.321
And so for me, that saying out loud, that almost felt like an admission of that failure.

00:26:23.321 --> 00:26:28.353
And if you saw that failure you wouldn't want me to be the mother of your child.

00:26:28.353 --> 00:26:34.501
You know me thinking this about my partner, because I can't even do this basic thing of getting our child fed.

00:26:35.142 --> 00:27:13.531
And so it wasn't really until I was able to have some of best that I could do with what I had and allowing myself just a little bit of that grace, a little bit of that self-compassion to say maybe this voice inside that's telling me I'm this horrible person isn't right and let me test it out.

00:27:13.833 --> 00:27:17.942
And so I would say just a little bit of the thoughts that were happening in my head.

00:27:17.942 --> 00:28:02.674
And it was each time that I said that and I was able to be received by my partner not with that judgmental that you know nest that my head was convincing me was going to happen and, a little bit at a time, I was able to replace some of that narrative by my own self-compassion for myself and by seeing some of that compassion come at me from some of the people that were around whether that be from my partner or some of the people that were around, whether that be from my partner or some of the people that were in my community that those really loud voices weren't were telling me lies at that point, even though I was convinced they were telling me truths.

00:28:05.260 --> 00:28:06.384
Yeah, yeah.

00:28:06.384 --> 00:28:08.637
What do you suppose that's based on?

00:28:08.637 --> 00:28:17.920
Because it wasn't until hindsight, when, like you just said, it actually wasn't true, but in the present moment it was, or at least it seemed that way, right.

00:28:17.920 --> 00:28:21.383
So what pattern do you think?

00:28:21.383 --> 00:28:24.386
Well, the archetypes that you mentioned were rooted in.

00:28:31.789 --> 00:28:35.356
I think, honestly, is rooted in what I find for most people, in our brain's way of trying to protect us in some way shape or form.

00:28:35.356 --> 00:29:05.794
Because, again, if I were in situations in the past, which I was, where some of those narratives were fed, even if it was just a little bit, even if it wasn't intentional, it was this idea was placed in front of me that, hey, if you can't live up to it and again I know for me personally, because of some of the abusive natures in my home, that was some of the narrative that if I didn't do things exactly the right way, in the perfect way, there was really dire consequences.

00:29:05.794 --> 00:29:14.276
And so then there became that very rigid either I'm perfect or I'm not, and if I'm not perfect, that has a ton of consequences.

00:29:14.276 --> 00:29:15.259
That's what was fed.

00:29:15.259 --> 00:29:37.319
And so then each time as I continue to live life, for me, that monster, if I mess up, even just a little bit and there was someone who was maybe frustrated with me I took that instead of just saying you know, they, they feel frustrated and they're completely entitled to their frustration my monster, who is already building, who is already growing, goes.

00:29:37.319 --> 00:29:41.355
See, there you go, they're, they're not happy, there's the consequences.

00:29:41.355 --> 00:29:43.382
So now I just fed that monster.

00:29:43.382 --> 00:29:53.576
It gets even bigger, and so, as as we continue, and as we continue to filter our life through that lens, it gets stronger and stronger and stronger.

00:29:53.730 --> 00:30:02.935
So then, when you do reach these points where it's really challenging our brain, you know it's trying to protect us, it doesn't want us to fail.

00:30:02.935 --> 00:30:17.558
So then it says, okay, go inside yourself, or here, pull away, or here do these things, because if we don't let people see that you're failing, they'll stay, and we want so desperately for you to have someone in your life stay.

00:30:17.558 --> 00:30:38.493
So here we're going to do these other things, these pull aways, or this withdrawing, because if I withdraw, then they won't get to see that, and then they won't leave me, they'll stay, maybe they'll stay, and so I think for many people, it comes from our brain again, in some way, shape or form, trying to protect us.

00:30:38.493 --> 00:30:56.334
The way that it's going about, though, is kind of creating these really loud voices that, hey, if you don't do it this way, this other way, it's going to cause a lot of heartache, and so it makes the voices louder, and so it makes a truce by that point, because it's so well-fed.

00:30:57.718 --> 00:31:00.484
Yeah, yeah, that's what it sounds like for sure.

00:31:00.484 --> 00:31:25.823
Now, saying that, though, I have a working theory that where our identity is generally grounded, despite all of the chaos and the whirlwind of emotions and circumstance and everything that can make our lives a bit more complex, a lot more complex, is our character and our value systems.

00:31:25.823 --> 00:31:48.063
That ground our character, and I think our values are sort of a shortcut to identity, but it also helps us identify how we want to then take ownership and consciously transact our cognition into our behaviors, into our actions, to then repeat the cycle and reinforce some positivity and so on.

00:31:48.063 --> 00:31:54.403
I think the values are the torque in that process, and so this is a segment of the show called developing character.

00:31:55.006 --> 00:32:11.702
D d d, developing character, and it's two questions, not to, uh, blindside you here, but answer them as as vulnerability or authentic as you want, it's up you, but it's about your value systems, because it's such a cool phenomenon.

00:32:11.702 --> 00:32:30.589
I think that you're describing right now that, despite all of the trauma or setbacks or any and every aspect growing up of your perspective, you still turned out like this able to handle and rely on yourself and be proud and find joy despite all those things.

00:32:30.589 --> 00:32:34.678
So my first question is rooted in the past.

00:32:34.678 --> 00:32:40.400
What were some of the values then that you were actually raised on or that you remember being brought up around?

00:32:43.152 --> 00:32:43.853
In the past.

00:32:43.853 --> 00:33:02.740
I probably would say those values look somewhere along the lines of respecting authority and in that aspect it was, you know, the parents or, and especially in the way that I was brought up, the church.

00:33:02.740 --> 00:33:18.227
That was a big authority, and I would also maybe say kind of this I don't know that it was necessarily something that was passed down to me.

00:33:18.227 --> 00:33:24.411
However, it was.

00:33:24.411 --> 00:33:27.236
Something I think was rewarded in me is the people pleasing is a value of pleasing others.

00:33:27.256 --> 00:33:40.922
Okay, and then, over time I mean now, a few decades later at least you've learned, you've grown, you've experienced, and whether or not those have stayed there on some level or scale or scope, I'm sure they've been influenced to some degree.

00:33:40.922 --> 00:33:41.924
So what about now?

00:33:41.924 --> 00:33:43.951
What are some of your values presently, then?

00:33:45.653 --> 00:33:51.904
so I think the best way to describe my values is what I ask my children to go forth in their day.

00:33:51.904 --> 00:34:07.636
Every single day, in the morning, when I drop them off at school, I ask them please use kindness, love and respect, and I think those are the three things that really outline my current values.

00:34:07.636 --> 00:34:16.306
It's that, yes, respect, but it's not just to authority figures, it's respect to all, no matter the age, no matter what they look like.

00:34:16.306 --> 00:34:20.478
It's just going forth and really emulating.

00:34:20.478 --> 00:34:27.532
How can we treat others with the respect that they deserve, just because they're human beings and they're alive?

00:34:27.532 --> 00:34:38.353
And what does it look like to treat someone with just complete, you know, unconditional love and kindness, and doing it as well?

00:34:38.353 --> 00:34:46.981
I think the biggest lesson I've had to learn is doing it to myself as well Is treating myself with the same unconditional love and kindness as others.

00:34:49.471 --> 00:34:51.920
Alrighty, folks sit tight and we'll be right back on Transacting Value.

00:34:58.771 --> 00:35:01.500
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00:35:01.500 --> 00:35:11.630
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00:35:29.177 --> 00:35:36.385
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00:35:36.385 --> 00:36:00.737
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00:36:00.757 --> 00:36:04.829
I think the biggest lesson I've had to learn is doing it to myself as well as treating myself with the same unconditional love and kindness as others.

00:36:04.849 --> 00:36:06.653
Yeah, that's a pill.

00:36:06.653 --> 00:36:18.775
Some days that's difficult, that's a lot and, you know, not for nothing, though I think some days that's uphill, just because we lack the awareness Like, I thought I was treating myself pretty good.

00:36:18.775 --> 00:36:24.556
I slept in, I took a shower this morning, I worked out, I had some coffee, I even ate breakfast this morning.

00:36:24.556 --> 00:36:25.936
It's a pretty good day for me.

00:36:25.936 --> 00:36:35.952
Meanwhile, the whole time you're like God, I wasted all that time when I could have been doing other things or you know, and you just beat yourself down unwittingly and I think.

00:36:36.353 --> 00:36:38.380
I think that self-awareness is difficult to come by.

00:36:38.380 --> 00:36:53.072
So when you're talking about respecting authority, for example, or even just pleasing other people, let alone loving people and being kind and respecting other people, let alone loving people and being kind and respecting other people, are they always good?

00:36:53.072 --> 00:36:57.762
The impacts, the implications of these values, do you think?

00:36:57.762 --> 00:37:02.201
Or understanding these values and having an awareness of them Can it be bad?

00:37:02.201 --> 00:37:04.393
Should we strive to change them?

00:37:04.393 --> 00:37:09.364
Should we just accept them and see how we apply them in the future?

00:37:09.364 --> 00:37:11.657
I mean, what role have they had for you overall?

00:37:13.210 --> 00:37:35.358
I think that, inherently, you know, values are there again as a way to try to guide us in some way that doesn't serve the end goal that we want for ourselves, that we want for our family systems.

00:37:35.358 --> 00:37:42.804
I think that's where some of that flexing and maybe what that value looks like can happen.

00:37:42.804 --> 00:37:50.155
That's probably one of the number one things I talk about with my couples is are there ways that we can get creative?

00:37:50.155 --> 00:38:05.815
Because sometimes, again, if we look at, for example, the people-pleasing one, could that look like if I'm making sure that everybody is happy and everybody is pleased, is that indeed me treating them with love and kindness?

00:38:05.815 --> 00:38:08.179
Well, yes, to some degree.

00:38:08.179 --> 00:38:09.822
Maybe some of them are the same.

00:38:10.344 --> 00:38:15.559
However, it's not necessarily treating myself with love and kindness.

00:38:15.559 --> 00:38:25.570
So are there ways that I can still be in alignment with that love and that kindness, while also making sure to balance myself in there as well?

00:38:25.570 --> 00:38:35.085
And so sometimes that does mean saying no to that extra commitment, because in that moment, if I continue to say yes, I'm a person again.

00:38:35.085 --> 00:38:37.092
I've got that instinct to people, please.

00:38:37.092 --> 00:38:42.414
So I have that instinct to say yes to everything that's going to be treating them with kindness.

00:38:42.414 --> 00:38:48.434
They need me to go above and beyond and to exert myself way beyond my capacity.

00:38:48.434 --> 00:39:12.083
At the same time, it leaves me without a whole lot of love for myself and a lot less kindness for myself also my family Because when I'm at my max capacity and I have nothing left, the likelihood that I'm treating others, especially the people that are closest to me, with all the love and kindness that I know I'm capable of others, especially the people that are closest to me, with all the love and kindness that I know I'm capable of, drastically decreases.

00:39:12.083 --> 00:39:14.045
And so now, at that moment.

00:39:14.164 --> 00:39:22.431
are there ways that I can get creative of how can I move forward and still showing them love that hey, I'm here, I'm still showing up for you.

00:39:22.431 --> 00:39:24.215
I want to support you.

00:39:24.215 --> 00:39:26.842
There might be some limits onto what that looks like.

00:39:26.842 --> 00:39:30.641
I can't give you 24-7 of my time.

00:39:30.641 --> 00:39:35.559
Maybe I can get creative on giving you an hour and that is still me giving to you.

00:39:35.559 --> 00:39:39.480
It's just getting a little bit creative on what it looks like.

00:39:41.030 --> 00:39:59.536
Yeah, fostering that understanding I guess helps too, because then you have to communicate it, especially if the pattern is you know, the first, first 18 years, your time is your parents, basically you know what I mean, like you're doing what you're doing, but they're allowing you to do it, so it's not quite the same, right.

00:39:59.556 --> 00:40:07.682
But then when you get a bit older, you maybe haven't changed much, but you got to communicate it to people that the you they think you are may not be the you who you actually are as you gain self-awareness and respect for yourself and whatever applies.

00:40:07.682 --> 00:40:14.121
Got to communicate it to people that the you they think you are may not be the you who you actually are as you gain self-awareness and respect for yourself and whatever applies.

00:40:14.121 --> 00:40:19.014
That communication, I think, is tricky.

00:40:19.014 --> 00:40:22.302
So how do you do it?

00:40:22.302 --> 00:40:30.682
I mean, you work with couples all the time where one party neglects the other neglects themselves, both neglect each other and, like, how do you bridge that?

00:40:30.682 --> 00:40:36.586
Working on the communication, the egos, the, the resilience, everything.

00:40:36.586 --> 00:40:39.213
But what's the strategy to work on communication then?

00:40:40.556 --> 00:41:03.407
so I like to use, especially when we're starting out, a formula, if you will, and it starts with an I feel, and we're putting it in an emotion word, because, again, when we start sentences, so much of our tendency is to say what we're noticing the other person isn't doing, how they're not showing up for us in that moment in time.

00:41:03.407 --> 00:41:11.045
So we usually start the sentences with you and most people's instincts, the minute they hear the word you come out of their someone else's mouth, is like let me get ready to fight.

00:41:11.045 --> 00:41:15.474
And most people's instincts, the minute they hear the word you come out of their someone else's mouth, is like let me get ready to fight.

00:41:15.474 --> 00:41:17.481
And they, literally they put their hands up and they're getting ready to go to war.

00:41:17.501 --> 00:41:24.940
And so really, it's finding ways to start your sentences and really owning what you're feeling in that moment and not going with the.

00:41:24.940 --> 00:41:32.032
You made me feel you know so many of us we go oh, you made me feel sad One that gives away so much of your power.

00:41:32.032 --> 00:41:42.001
And then, two, let's take some ownership and some responsibility, validate ourselves by saying this is the emotional experience that I'm having and guess what?

00:41:42.001 --> 00:41:43.713
It's okay for me to feel these things.

00:41:43.713 --> 00:41:58.295
So we're starting with I feel, and we add an emotion word, as many emotions as you can name, and the more that we name them, they grow a little bit smaller, they have a little less overpowering power over us.

00:41:58.295 --> 00:42:01.280
And then we follow it about what?

00:42:01.280 --> 00:42:02.864
And we stick with the facts.

00:42:02.864 --> 00:42:05.396
I think as a society we're so good at.

00:42:05.416 --> 00:42:14.599
The flavorful words is what I like to call them, of peppering, in our opinion, on somebody else's behaviors, instead of just going with the facts.

00:42:14.599 --> 00:42:24.295
Facts that you could take into a room, you know, take a cue from the lawyers, you know you want to go in there with facts that all jurors are going to be in agreement.

00:42:24.295 --> 00:42:25.278
That's what happened.

00:42:25.278 --> 00:42:33.942
But the minute we start adding, like pepper, peppering it with those flavorful words of you know you slammed the door or you yelled at so-and-so.

00:42:33.942 --> 00:42:36.672
That's now someone's opinion, that people can disagree.

00:42:36.672 --> 00:42:37.956
Is that really what yelling is?

00:42:37.956 --> 00:42:39.639
Is that really what slam the door is?

00:42:39.639 --> 00:42:43.481
You know, I mean talk about talking with, with teenagers.

00:42:43.481 --> 00:42:47.394
You know they're going to pull apart every bit of our sentences.

00:42:47.434 --> 00:42:55.139
So, just sticking with those facts and then really following it up with the I needs really digging down deep.

00:42:55.139 --> 00:42:56.903
What is it that you need in the moment?

00:42:56.903 --> 00:42:58.454
And then it's not a need of like.

00:42:58.454 --> 00:43:05.896
I need you to just stop it right, because again we want someone to receive us and what we're saying, but really I would.

00:43:05.896 --> 00:43:25.476
I need to feel loved, or I'd love to feel seen in this moment, and then ending it with what it would look like if that need was met, because again I could go up to someone and say, hey, I need to feel loved, and the person looking at me is going what do you think I've been doing?

00:43:25.989 --> 00:43:44.516
Because their version of love looks different than mine, and so now we're missing each other again, and so instead, not only am I going to own what my needs are, but I'm going to tell you, I'm going to give you a roadmap on exactly how to meet them in a way that lands for me as oh gosh, my needs are met.

00:43:44.516 --> 00:43:53.297
And then, all of a sudden, we've set our partner up for success in meeting our needs, because we just gave them a map, a literal map, and here's how to go from point A to point B.

00:43:53.297 --> 00:43:56.295
And they're like cool, now I have something to work with.

00:43:56.295 --> 00:43:57.177
Great, thank you.

00:43:57.177 --> 00:44:04.503
And then we've just set ourselves up for success because it increases the chance that our needs are going to get met drastically.

00:44:11.411 --> 00:44:14.317
And then, though I'm sure you also run into people, people and I see them all the time as well reason I'm not doing that, that's dumb.

00:44:14.317 --> 00:44:15.619
I've been with them for a decade.

00:44:15.619 --> 00:44:16.623
They should know me by now.

00:44:16.623 --> 00:44:18.032
Well enough, it's fine.

00:44:18.032 --> 00:44:25.918
I don't need to, I don't need to talk that way, or I'm not gonna say that I feel like that's dumb.

00:44:25.918 --> 00:44:28.385
I'm a man, okay, I don't have to talk about that.

00:44:28.385 --> 00:44:30.110
Right, that stuff happens all the time.

00:44:30.791 --> 00:44:43.043
Oh yeah so, but you're saying I feel frustrated about you saying these things may not be as inflammatory as, uh, I feel frustrated when you do these things Right.

00:44:43.043 --> 00:44:44.490
So the about makes the difference.

00:44:45.451 --> 00:44:46.891
It's the about and it's the facts.

00:44:46.891 --> 00:45:14.916
So if, if you're going to say what someone else said, it's verbatimatim, that text message, right, we're not adding anything else to it, because then no one can refute that.

00:45:14.916 --> 00:45:15.818
Okay, yeah, that happened.

00:45:17.771 --> 00:45:20.460
Well, I've had attorneys try to play, you know, we'll see.

00:45:20.460 --> 00:45:24.000
But okay, let's say, yeah, let's say you can't refute text.

00:45:25.152 --> 00:45:25.815
Well, it's harder.

00:45:25.815 --> 00:45:30.494
I should say, not that you can't, it's harder yeah yeah, all right.

00:45:30.534 --> 00:45:33.963
So, yeah, I feel frustrated about this particular issue.

00:45:33.963 --> 00:45:39.041
I need what I need you to understand better, because you never listen to what I'm saying.

00:45:39.041 --> 00:45:40.291
That's probably not what you mean.

00:45:41.012 --> 00:45:44.077
Yeah, in that instance, I would love to feel understood.

00:45:44.077 --> 00:45:46.262
Yeah, or?

00:45:46.262 --> 00:45:47.644
I'd like to feel understood.

00:45:48.106 --> 00:45:52.342
And when I feel understood, it looks like this and then we give them that roadmap.

00:45:52.342 --> 00:45:58.967
Maybe it's the eye contact, or maybe it's the validation I hear you, or hey, I can appreciate where you're coming from.

00:45:58.967 --> 00:46:05.768
And now we've given them steps on how to say, on how to receive us in an understood way.

00:46:07.291 --> 00:46:09.715
Okay, so I'm identifying here.

00:46:09.715 --> 00:46:17.590
There's different levels to this conversation, because it sounds like exactly the same words when you're both really angry and that makes it worse.

00:46:17.590 --> 00:46:25.164
But if you use exactly these same words when both people are at a zero to sort of normal baseline, you can actually make some progress.

00:46:26.465 --> 00:46:27.588
It does absolutely.

00:46:27.588 --> 00:46:28.150
So.

00:46:28.150 --> 00:46:42.106
I think you made a really great point of making sure that both parties are in the capacity to be able to have a conversation, because if we're pushing and one or both of you are emotionally flooded, nothing's coming in.

00:46:42.106 --> 00:46:51.273
In fact, there's plenty of research to show that our frontal lobe that does our logic and our rational thinking is offline.

00:46:51.273 --> 00:47:00.782
And so if you're flooded, yeah, you need most people need a minimum of 20 minutes of active self-soothing.

00:47:00.782 --> 00:47:12.014
I'm not talking doom scrolling, avoidance, I'm talking active self-soothing to be able to actually come down from a place of flooding and have their frontal lobe online.

00:47:12.014 --> 00:47:21.251
So you don't necessarily have to be at a zero for us to now use this formula, but we can't be kind of higher than a five in that moment.

00:47:21.251 --> 00:47:24.128
It's not going to be productive, no matter what you say.

00:47:25.460 --> 00:47:27.086
Yeah, yeah, okay, all right.

00:47:27.086 --> 00:47:46.456
So I think, actually, for the sake of time, this is probably one of my last two questions, but so I think then, what's important here to to note is it is possible to work through some of these things even when the stressors are ridiculous, that you don't need to lose yourself in the process.

00:47:46.456 --> 00:47:51.460
Lose yourself in the process.

00:47:51.460 --> 00:47:59.655
Even if you lose yourself in the moment, it's recoverable as a couple, as an individual, not the end 100% Repair attempts are always welcome.

00:48:00.820 --> 00:48:22.612
Yeah, okay, all right, and so then, what kind of process, I guess, do you use or do you recommend now, having heard the impact some of your values have had on your perspective and your process and your growth and recovery throughout this whole process, let alone for your family and your partner and everybody else involved?

00:48:22.612 --> 00:48:25.643
What is your process?

00:48:25.643 --> 00:48:37.639
Do you think to actually transact your values into sort of a physical space or behavioral space and and get some resonance out of them and find some meaning in them or clarity or purpose in them?

00:48:39.202 --> 00:49:02.431
yeah, so for me, um, it takes a lot of self-reflection I I probably can't tell you the number of times I'm self-reflecting to try to really beef up my insight and my awareness of myself and how I'm moving about throughout the day, and I'm an internal processor, so I do that all in my brain.

00:49:02.431 --> 00:49:05.543
I'm not a talk it out kind of person.

00:49:05.543 --> 00:49:17.030
That's a growth pain, if you will, that my partner and I had to go through because he's very much an external processor and I get overwhelmed by lots of words coming at me.

00:49:17.030 --> 00:49:24.284
So I'm a person who I'm internally processing fairly frequently throughout the day.

00:49:24.284 --> 00:49:34.070
It's also for me, my process is taking ownership for me of the things that maybe I didn't do as great as I could have.

00:49:34.510 --> 00:49:46.358
As I know I have the capability and taking a little bit of Not a little bit Taking a lot of ownership of that really, and then also doing it, though from a compassionate way.

00:49:46.358 --> 00:50:20.432
That takes a lot of work, as we talked about, I'm really good at highlighting my, my, I critiquing myself, if you will, and so it's really practicing some of that self-compassion and then also, if there's opportunities for me to make those repair attempts, coming back, having some of the humility and love for those other people and being able to say, hey, you know what, this didn't quite align with me, and if I have an answer, then maybe I'll give them some of my thoughts on how I'm going to be working, moving forward If I don't being able to workshop that, even if it's with my children.

00:50:20.432 --> 00:50:30.253
I can't tell you the number of times I've gone with my children and be like I am learning this too, and so I did not do that to the best of my capacity and that you deserve so much more.

00:50:30.253 --> 00:50:33.489
I don't know if I know exactly how to do this right.

00:50:33.489 --> 00:50:36.248
Do you have some thoughts on what would work best for you?

00:50:37.282 --> 00:50:57.327
And we sit there and we collaborate on it, and so, for me, one of the ways again that I kind of try to move towards that value system is really having that open dialogue, being able to know that it's okay for me to say I don't quite know what I'm doing here, it's not aligning.

00:50:57.327 --> 00:51:19.148
I know something's off, I don't know if I quite know how to fix it, and using some of those people around me to help me workshop it so that I can be able to try it again tomorrow and try my best to just show up in those ways, in the love, in the kindness, in the respect for everybody, and there are days that I don't get it right.

00:51:19.148 --> 00:51:28.891
And I make the apologies, and I make it with an actionable apology, not just the words, but really showing up and trying it again.

00:51:28.891 --> 00:51:29.594
Yeah, oh, that's important too.

00:51:29.594 --> 00:51:30.757
Yeah, like you said, grace goes a it again.

00:51:30.777 --> 00:51:31.699
Yeah, oh, that's important too.

00:51:31.699 --> 00:51:33.344
Yeah, like you said, grace goes a long way.

00:51:34.126 --> 00:51:34.347
Yeah.

00:51:35.349 --> 00:51:45.369
So okay, before we get out of here, if people want to find more out about your show, get in touch with you as clients find out about any more information or resources.

00:51:45.369 --> 00:51:52.690
Can you walk us through in a couple minutes about the Real Family Eats and where people can go to get in touch with you and find some of these resources?

00:51:53.713 --> 00:51:55.239
Absolutely so.

00:51:55.239 --> 00:52:01.034
The Real Family Eats you can find us on YouTube, on all major podcasting platforms.

00:52:01.034 --> 00:52:02.204
There's the audio as well.

00:52:02.204 --> 00:52:06.190
Or if you're a visual person, there's the YouTube where you can see us.

00:52:06.190 --> 00:52:11.471
And again, as you mentioned at the beginning, it's real parents.

00:52:11.471 --> 00:52:18.277
We are getting rid of that perfect parent facade that society likes to put out there.

00:52:18.277 --> 00:52:23.815
We're talking about real struggles, figuring out and really normalizing that.

00:52:23.875 --> 00:52:28.827
This thing is hard, it's really hard, and try to help people feel a little less alone in it.

00:52:28.827 --> 00:52:32.804
At the same time bonus the guests that are on my show.

00:52:32.804 --> 00:52:39.867
They're teaching me a favorite recipe, one that they've tried, that they love, and so other parents can add to their repertoire.

00:52:39.867 --> 00:52:42.072
Because we're busy parents.

00:52:42.072 --> 00:52:49.869
Sometimes it's trying to think of what we're having for dinner or what we're going to make is just one more thing to our really long list.

00:52:49.869 --> 00:52:54.610
So instead you can have somebody else say hey, this is really good, why don't you try it tonight?

00:52:54.610 --> 00:52:56.945
So you don't have to think about that anymore.

00:52:57.126 --> 00:53:04.811
And again, that's under the Real Family Eats and any of my other services you can find on embracerenewaltherapycom.

00:53:04.811 --> 00:53:12.186
And if you're in the state of California or want to come down to the state of California for a weekend.

00:53:12.186 --> 00:53:19.456
I do provide couples therapy intensives and couples therapy weekly as well, depending on where you're at.

00:53:19.456 --> 00:53:29.664
And then I do have workshops that I offer, and some of those are virtual, so they can be for anybody worldwide pretty much, and that can all be found on my website.

00:53:30.969 --> 00:53:31.230
Cool.

00:53:31.230 --> 00:53:42.123
Well, and also for anybody who's new to our show, you can go to transactingvaluepodcastcom or whatever player you're streaming this conversation on click see more.

00:53:42.123 --> 00:53:42.846
Click show more.

00:53:42.846 --> 00:53:53.045
And in the show notes description of this conversation you'll see links to the Real Family Eats and, obviously, reese's website at Embrace Renewal Therapy as well.

00:53:53.045 --> 00:53:55.146
I love it.

00:53:55.146 --> 00:53:56.684
I love what you're doing.

00:53:56.684 --> 00:53:57.929
I love your message.

00:53:57.929 --> 00:54:03.592
I really appreciate the opportunity to help showcase it and make people more aware of it.

00:54:03.592 --> 00:54:10.949
So, like I said in the beginning, I appreciate your time, but now that the conversation's over, I appreciate your perspective as well.

00:54:10.949 --> 00:54:12.612
That was awesome, so thank you.

00:54:13.800 --> 00:54:15.887
Yes, thank you so much again for having me.

00:54:15.887 --> 00:54:17.170
I appreciate it very much.

00:54:18.099 --> 00:54:20.025
Absolutely, and to everybody else.

00:54:20.025 --> 00:54:21.590