Rediscovering Yourself After Divorce: A Conversation with Tracey Gramenz

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Are you feeling lost in the aftermath of a divorce? You are not alone. In our latest episode of Transacting Value, we dive deep into the emotional turmoil and transformational opportunities that divorce often presents. Join the conversation with Tracey Gramenz, a divorce coach, who shares insights on rediscovering your identity and rebuilding self-worth amidst the chaos of separation. Through relatable client stories and transformative experiences, our discussion shines a light on the potential for personal growth disguised beneath the layers of grief and identity crises.

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To learn more about Tracey and The Aligned Divorce: Your Roadmap back to You: https://www.traceygramenz.com/

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An SDYT Media Production I Deviate from the Norm

00:00 - Introduction to the Episode

10:00 - Understanding the Role of Values in Our Lives

30:00 - The Impact of Divorce on Identity

45:00 - Tracy Grahmins: Her Journey and Insights

01:00:00 - Cultivating Personal Values Post

01:20:00 - The Importance of Communication in Relationships

01:35:00 - Client Stories: Navigating Through Divorce

01:50:00 - Embracing Growth in the Face of Change

02:05:00 - Final Thoughts and Takeaways

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The views expressed in this podcast are solely those of the podcast host and guest and do not necessarily represent those of our distribution partners, supporting business relationships or supported audience.

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Welcome to Transacting Value, where we talk about practical applications for instigating self-worth when dealing with each other and even within ourselves, where we foster a podcast listening experience that lets you hear the power of a value system for managing burnout, establishing boundaries, fostering community and finding identity.

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My name is Josh Porthouse, I'm your host and we are redefining sovereignty of character.

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This is why values still hold value.

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This is Transacting Value.

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You've got to know individually your values, separate from the relationship, and then you have to know your values together as a couple and actually have a conversation about it rather than just go on autopilot.

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Today, on Transacting Value, we're talking regaining identity after divorce.

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Now, for some, divorce means celebrate and for others, reinvent, but for most people, it also means turmoil and confusion and stress and identity crisis.

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And so today we're talking to divorce coach, tracy Grahmins.

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All about options and ways we can regain our identity in the process and rebuild our families, reinstigate our self-worth.

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So, without further ado, I'm Josh Portos, I'm your host and, from SDYT Media outside of Tampa, florida, this is Transacting Value.

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Tracy, how are you doing?

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I'm doing really well today, Josh.

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How about yourself?

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I'm good.

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I'm good.

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I appreciate you taking time out of your day too.

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I understand you've got a life and a career, and to just sit down and have a conversation maybe is something you had to squeeze in, so I don't want it to go unnoticed.

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Thank you first off.

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Before we get started oh, my pleasure is necessary.

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So let me say this my background is primarily in the Marine Corps, in the infantry at that, and I know more people who are or have been divorced than who are or have stayed married, and so the majority of my professional sphere is very similarly like-minded in that regard as it applies to relationships and whatever jadedness comes with that.

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So I'm excited to hear some of these perspectives you've got.

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But let's start here before I get ahead of myself.

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For anybody and everybody new to the show, especially those who are unfamiliar with you, your practice, your insights, your perspective, let's just take a couple minutes and set the stage for a little bit of resonance here.

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The floor is yours.

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Who are you, where are you from and what sorts of things have shaped your perspective on life?

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Yeah, I'm Tracy and I live in Seattle, sunny Seattle right now, surprisingly in November, when, um, when we're recording this and my work is working with women as a divorce coach and, um, a lot of people don't even know what a divorce coach is.

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Um, but really what it is is a guide to like, walk alongside you, and what I always tell my clients is help you stay aligned or find your alignment while you're going through one of the top, most stressful seasons of life, which is divorce, and partly why we're having this conversation is a lot of that work is identifying or re-identifying values.

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Of that work is identifying or re-identifying values.

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So I help people reshape and reimagine their values so that they can walk in alignment as they move forward into the next season of their life.

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Which I assume is not easy for anybody involved, probably you included.

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Yeah, I mean I really have rethought about how I view divorce as I dive deeper into this work, and I think the initial reaction from others when you talk about divorce is usually I'm so sorry or that's so hard, or all of the hard side of it.

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But what I really get excited about actually is all of the opportunity for growth that there is.

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You know, when you're ripped open and like when you've tilled up the soil, that is the time to plant seeds right.

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It's that moment, that is the time and it's timestamped, and so it's actually a really exciting time, and the hard things that happen are things that can make you stronger, and so it's like everything is going for you and that's really the reframe I try to help my clients get to.

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Everything is going for me, Everything is working out to the benefit of me and my children.

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Yeah, and do you actually have a garden?

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I do have a garden.

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I'm more of a construction girl, but I have a garden in my backyard.

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Okay, okay.

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Yeah, I was wondering, just so I can prep my metaphors to match you a little bit.

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I didn't want it to go unnoticed.

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I do a lot of house renovation metaphors like tear down to rebuild, um that is.

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That is a lot of where I go usually, but the garden one.

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It's just something that it's a good image, right I like it absolutely and, from what I understand, uh, actually you did tear down and rebuild and redecorate and reframe everything that I'm seeing in the background.

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Right, that was all you.

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Yeah, yeah, I know no one could like see these, but yeah, I did this like full um remodel of this whole house, like everything you see here um my hands have touched and created.

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Yeah, that looks really cool.

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That's gotta be satisfying too.

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Oh my gosh, yeah, and that's the thing I think, that I, I, um.

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So my other brief background is five years ago I went through my own divorce and, in the process, purchased the home I'm in now.

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That was set to be torn down and it's like the beautiful metaphor of like anything can be.

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Anything can be restored and redeemed, anything can be made beautiful, and as I was restoring and reimagining my life, I had a physical space to also transform.

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You know, and I, and it was a good reminder that transformation is slow and also, when you start with a clear vision, you don't give up.

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You know where you're going and so you just keep working and you go by the drywall, you haul the concrete in, you rip out the flooring, like just the whole process.

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You know, but you just keep going because you know every effort.

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Every day, when you put forth a little bit of effort, it is getting you closer to that goal when you have clarity but in the beginning you don't have anything.

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You may not even actually have anything, so right, I mean what?

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What then?

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Like you know, you go from I don't know a monday where you're hearing.

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I'll see you after work.

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To tuesday, I'll see you in court.

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You know everything.

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There's always the the moment where, pre-moment, everything seems okay to somebody.

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Chances are usually at least that's the case, I think in some sense the lucky ones know it's coming yeah but that's not always the case.

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And so if you don't have that clarity because of the, the stress, the overwhelm, the anxiety, the, the identity crisis, any of these other things, well then you can't really start with a clear vision.

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So what has to come first in those the overwhelm, the anxiety, the identity?

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crisis, any of these other things, well then you can't really start with a clear vision.

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So what has to come first in those cases?

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You know, as coaches, we are always forward focused, right.

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So we're looking at where are we going, not necessarily where we came from.

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So, in a way, sometimes the backstory not that it doesn't matter but you are still going to have to transform.

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Regardless, your life has changed, whether it was your decision to leave, whether you got handed paper as well after you dropped your kid off at preschool, or whatever you you've got to move forward and and rediscover what's important to you, what your values are.

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And so I don't like to get too caught up in whatever the backstory is, because that can hold us back, because what we're doing now is we're moving forward and we are growing, and so the step one is kind of like we untangle right.

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I mean, literally in the first session I had with people, we sit down and talk about values to say what, what is important to you now, for me, the beginning of my journey, that my three most important things, my values, became one my kids and, specifically, time with them.

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So when I had my kids, all of a sudden you know you're not with your kids every night.

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So when I had them, my value was I will always be with them.

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I'm not going to make other plans, I'm not going to squeeze something else in.

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I'm not going to say yes to an event.

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No, it's an automatic no.

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I can look at my calendar a year from now and I can tell you yes or no if I will do that thing.

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And then also for me, I just wanted peace.

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That became actually my core pillar of value, and I learned what it looks like for me, what it felt like, and so all of my decisions ricocheted off of okay, is this bringing me closer to peace or further away?

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And then, for me, my third one was beauty.

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Like I tore down my heart, I realized I want to see beauty, I want to have beauty around me, I want to be a beautiful person, and so it actually really did start with remodeling my home, you know.

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And so I take clients to that same process in a conversation.

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So a lot of people think they know what their values are, but they don't actually talk them out.

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Or maybe they had gotten used to living a certain way with their partner.

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Now that partner's no longer, and so they have the opportunity to say, well, did I really like skiing or ski vacations, or is that just something we did?

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Did I really value, you know, whatever they got into the rhythm of doing?

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Did I really value that, or is that just a habit?

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Right, a habit and a value are very different things.

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Yeah, absolutely Absolutely.

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And on one hand, like I said most well before we recorded, most of my professional career in the Marine Corps has been in the infantry, so a lot of my perspective tends to get grounded in, you know, actually tactical environments or mission planning or whatever, because that's when my frontal lobe developed.

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I guess I don't know, but it became my baseline to sort of understand the world.

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And so we have this concept.

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And in the 1950s he was a fighter pilot, he was a colonel, john Boyd, and he came up with this concept to help fighter pilots more quickly orient themselves in a dogfight, whether fighting other planes and pilots in the sky, because everything's happening at Mach 1 or faster, I don't actually know.

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I'm on the ground, but quickly, right.

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And so his cycle was observe, orient, decide, act, and it was all relatively short syllabic words that they could think about when the blood's rushing down out of their heads, and something to keep them focused and give them something to key in on.

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And I feel like high stress situations, like obviously during a divorce, key in on and I feel like high stress situations, like obviously during a divorce, isn't moving that fast, but it certainly feels that way and there's got to be this simple sort of framework, I think, just initially to ground you and I think you're exactly right, you said it, I think, beautifully where values can be that mechanism.

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And so maybe it's the simple conversation of not worrying about what you don't have or can't control, but what do you have, which ultimately, I think, is your character and perspective on the world.

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So I think it's a great point.

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But then how do you instigate that?

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Because, like you said, if your identity is rooted in a married couple, namely you and somebody else, and then it's just you, then how do you know?

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I mean, you question everything.

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That sounds just as overwhelming.

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Do you give yourself all the options?

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That sounds super anxious.

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How do you narrow down from many to few?

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Then?

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Yeah, I think it begins by just noticing.

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I think you pay attention to yourself.

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What do you naturally gravitate toward?

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What would you, what do you find yourself doing, no matter what?

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What sparks a little bit of joy in you?

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Like, pay attention to yourself, and I think sometimes we, especially with big words like values, or what am I doing with my life?

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It gets so big, but all of us live each day, one day at a time, right, and so I try to like step back actually from the big and look at, look at the day, break it down.

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What brought you joy today, you know?

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Oh, it was when my clients with being in the garden.

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That's important to me.

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Oh, I brought my neighbor some soup.

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Oh, so your value is helping.

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Or your value is nature.

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Oh, I see you know.

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So look at the little things that you do and then notice that you can extrapolate from there what your value is.

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All right, folks sit tight, We'll be right back on Transacting Value.

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So look at the little things that you do and then notice that you can extrapolate from there what your value is.

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Okay, so is it always rooted in some kind of act now you got me doing the plant thing is it always anchored in some sort of uh, action or activity identifying your values, or is it based on a perspective and a thought process?

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I mean, where where do you think in your experience, maybe individually or working with clients do values come from?

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I think that I'll just speak from my own personal experience.

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Um, I, when I was noticing what I valued, what was important to me.

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It was kind of a?

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Um, it was multiple things, sometimes it was actions.

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So I found myself always going down to watch the sunset the night.

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My kids would go back to be with her dad, and what is that?

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That's a value of valuing nature, a value in beauty, a valuing time alone, you know, and a prioritizing, just being and being okay with just myself, you know.

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And so I noticed this activity that turned into kind of a core value for me of I'm someone who values time and nature, who values beauty, and then, with kid stuff that is more like that was more conceptual thinking.

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Ok, I have this new structure of time, how do I want to go about and decide, you know, decide once, I'm deciding once when I have my kids, I'm not making other plans, it's already decided, I don't have to rethink.

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So I think that there's many ways you can go about it, but it just first starts with getting quiet and getting um, honest with yourself and just kind of noticing yourself, you know is it the same concept or framework?

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I mean, you said, for example, after your divorce, you're able to see your kids.

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Well, after mine, I wasn't.

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We were in two different States for years, so actually up until recently within the last year, and so you know, we spent five years in a long distance relationship.

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Do you think it's the same framework, then, that you can or can they shift and change depending on circumstance, or is it subjective time of day?

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I mean, how consistent are these values?

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Do you think?

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Well, I think, like in that case, like if, if you were my client and we were working you know way, you know, years ago, when that first started, we would probably have a conversation around your value of parenting and what being a father means to you, and we would probably talk something around saying a family bond, a bond between a parent and their children, is there forever and there are circumstances that can take us physically apart from our kids for days or even years, but that doesn't change your value as a loving parent or the unbreakable bond that we have with our kids.

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And so it would be more what is my value system as a parent when I'm not in control of the time?

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You know, because you are in control of your perspective.

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Yeah, sure, and so I guess that at that point it would be relatively subjective to changing factors or or whatever opportunities presented themselves to reevaluate if necessary.

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Yeah, yeah, so it would just be more.

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I mean that kind of shifts a little bit more to mindset work, which is also a big part of, you know, the any, the divorce process and certainly any any transitional work that we do.

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But yeah, I mean it all kind of dovetails together your values, your mindset and then your strategies to enact and live by your values.

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OK, well, well.

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So let me challenge that point for a second, then, because I thought I knew at the time actually about five years ago.

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I thought I knew at the time.

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Okay, well, this is what I value, this is how I see the world, this is how I prioritize whatever inputs are happening around me, and I think initially I felt communication was important and authenticity was important.

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I'm not sure I really knew what they meant or to what extent I thought they were important, but I remember thinking something similar.

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My point is then I filled it with work.

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I found crutches and coping mechanisms and other options, because even though I recognized those things, I'm not entirely sure they were grounded in much of anything, let alone anything productive.

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It was circumstantially, as it's turning out, something that I just happened to try to whatever degree of effect, but then supplemented with whatever I was getting into.

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I go to the gym twice a day just to spend six hours anywhere but home.

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Uh, you know, go out with buddies or drink, or sit on the back porch or whatever, whatever, any number of things you know, stay at work late just because, and was all this because you were avoiding um that, that pain or that transition, or being away from your kids, or what was the root of all that?

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Well, that's an interesting question.

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I think in my case, what I was more avoiding was the overwhelm and honesty with myself about myself, because I'd never thought about it.

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I had to do, you know, whatever blue collar work, or after I enlisted, obviously it was all department of defense stuff, whatever they told me I had to do, and there was never really any time or need to think about it, because your focus is everybody else, and so I think that's what scared me the most initially, and then the overwhelm of, well, now I don't know how to do it or what to do or or why I need to do it.

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I'm fine, I'll be okay.

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You know, is that because the anchor of your role was taken from you?

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I don't think I knew my role to begin with.

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I think I well, at least I don't think I recognized it, let alone knew it.

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You know, it's not like it was my fourth marriage or or whatever.

00:21:28.821 --> 00:21:43.903
I mean, both my parents were divorced as well, so I really never saw, or or at least, if I did see it, I never really recognized what that role could be, and maybe that contributed to a little bit of my own comfort or complicity in the, I guess, grieving process.

00:21:43.903 --> 00:21:59.346
But it was easier because it was a routine to just cope and swap and supplement with work or staying busy or whatever, because I didn't know how to slow down, which also probably directly correlated to the divorce.

00:21:59.426 --> 00:22:09.662
But, yeah, and and everything that went with it, cause we were on different, different planes conversationally, uh, cognitively, I was way behind.

00:22:09.662 --> 00:22:10.063
Where she was.

00:22:10.063 --> 00:22:12.750
She was more concerned with the family and focusing on these types of quality time things.

00:22:12.750 --> 00:22:16.281
I was like, concerned with the family and focusing on these types of quality time things.

00:22:16.281 --> 00:22:27.311
I was like I'm focused on providing and an income and the stuff outside the family unit structure, you know, and I assume that's pretty common though, is it?

00:22:28.133 --> 00:22:29.381
yeah, well, for sure.

00:22:29.381 --> 00:22:40.548
I mean, I think the common, the most um common cause of divorce, when initiated by a woman, is a woman hard of feeling alone and tired of feeling like she's doing it all right.

00:22:40.548 --> 00:23:08.148
Where the male in a traditional male female relationship, where the man is providing and feels like he's checked off the box and the woman is, you know, got her list 20, 20 items deep and and she feels tired of feeling unsupported, and the man gets kind of blindsided because he's like, but literally all I do is support you financially and that's the disconnect right that leads to a lot of separation.

00:23:09.494 --> 00:23:12.064
Okay, so how do you communicate through it before the point then?

00:23:13.165 --> 00:23:14.189
Yeah, before that.

00:23:14.509 --> 00:23:20.568
Yeah, how do you work on communication and awareness and individual identity as a couple?

00:23:22.311 --> 00:23:25.565
Yeah, I mean, I think that kind of going back to the whole root of this.

00:23:25.565 --> 00:23:37.843
This your show is you've got to know individually your values, separate from the relationship, and then you have to know your values together as a couple.

00:23:37.843 --> 00:23:38.324
What do we?

00:23:38.324 --> 00:23:39.307
What do we value?

00:23:39.307 --> 00:23:40.449
Do we value time apart?

00:23:40.449 --> 00:23:42.113
Do we value independence?

00:23:42.113 --> 00:23:44.268
Do we value togetherness, like what?

00:23:44.268 --> 00:23:51.046
What do we actually care about and actually have a conversation about it rather than just go on autopilot?

00:23:51.046 --> 00:24:03.142
I think a lot of us just live in autopilot and then and we don't like to have hard conversations you know, or maybe we don't know ourselves you know a lot of folks that get married really young.

00:24:03.142 --> 00:24:06.290
Do you do you know what is valuable to you?

00:24:06.290 --> 00:24:07.441
Do you know what's important?

00:24:07.441 --> 00:24:11.612
You know, oftentimes either you don't or you do, and it changes.

00:24:12.740 --> 00:24:13.281
Okay, fair.

00:24:13.281 --> 00:24:32.151
So that's that's obviously a great point as well, that it's normal, see, because I think what I heard initially and then now also from you people who get married young tend to run into issues sooner, you know, because you're maturing faster than maybe you're ready for.

00:24:32.151 --> 00:24:47.251
But also, I think the other point to that younger reference is in terms of maturity you just don't have the life experience to know you well enough, let alone to help somebody rely on you or vice versa, rely on somebody else.

00:24:47.251 --> 00:24:50.063
Yeah, exactly the A-frame is not strong enough.

00:24:50.364 --> 00:24:58.674
And though then the top I think upper threshold to that comparison is okay.

00:24:58.674 --> 00:25:00.143
Well now I'm never going to be ready.

00:25:00.143 --> 00:25:01.648
Or how can I know that I'm ever ready?

00:25:01.648 --> 00:25:03.026
Will I ever be mature enough?

00:25:03.026 --> 00:25:07.251
The same reason people don't have kids or don't want you know that kind of argument.

00:25:07.251 --> 00:25:12.872
So how do you know then, when you're old enough to get married, or mature enough to know?

00:25:12.872 --> 00:25:14.385
Or is there a threshold?

00:25:15.920 --> 00:25:18.689
Yeah, I mean, I think that's just so individualized, right.

00:25:18.689 --> 00:25:21.386
I mean, we're, you know, we are constantly growing.

00:25:21.386 --> 00:25:40.101
I think that maybe one response to that to consider is, you know, reframing even how you look at partnerships and marriages and thinking is the goal of a marriage, um, to absolutely for sure stay together with someone for your whole life?

00:25:40.101 --> 00:25:41.924
Or is the goal?

00:25:41.924 --> 00:26:05.153
What I would suggest is the goal of a partnership is to uplift someone and help them reach their goals and have them do the same for you, while living in peace and continuing to do that day after day and, if that changes, being brave enough to say we are no longer helping each other.

00:26:05.153 --> 00:26:31.172
You know, I think we just look at longevity as the marker, the hallmark for a good marriage, and then divorce as a hallmark for failure, when really divorce can be the bravest thing that you can do and it can be the kindest thing that you can do with a partnership, when you're no longer aligned and you are having the courage to say this isn't working, so we're going to do something different.

00:26:33.201 --> 00:26:35.769
All right, folks sit tight and We'll be right back on Transacting Value.

00:26:38.300 --> 00:26:47.392
Join us for Transacting Value, where we discuss practical applications of personal values, every Monday at 9am on our website, transactingvaluepodcastcom.

00:26:47.392 --> 00:26:53.420
Wednesdays at 5pm and Sundays at noon on wreathsacrossamericaorg slash radio.

00:26:53.420 --> 00:26:55.284
On wreathsacrossamericaorg slash radio.

00:26:56.546 --> 00:27:11.009
Really, divorce can be the bravest thing that you can do and it can be the kindest thing that you can do with a partnership, when you're no longer aligned and you are having the courage to say this isn't working, so we're going to do something different.

00:27:12.221 --> 00:27:14.170
Okay, well then, what's the threshold for that?

00:27:14.170 --> 00:27:16.078
Because then, well, is it the threshold for that?

00:27:16.078 --> 00:27:16.279
For what?

00:27:16.279 --> 00:27:18.366
Well, is it the first argument?

00:27:18.366 --> 00:27:21.321
You're like this isn't working, I'm out, or is it?

00:27:21.321 --> 00:27:22.266
You know what let's give?

00:27:22.266 --> 00:27:22.988
it 10 years.

00:27:24.943 --> 00:27:25.265
trigger?

00:27:25.265 --> 00:27:31.367
I think that's one of the most brutal questions to ask yourself.

00:27:31.367 --> 00:27:36.586
I personally remember literally Googling when.

00:27:37.128 --> 00:27:40.065
I'm on the internet, I was like should I leave my husband?

00:27:40.065 --> 00:27:42.089
Should I leave him if I don't love him?

00:27:42.089 --> 00:27:55.567
I felt like I just for so long I had this just pit in my stomach, a feeling like this isn't, this isn't right, like this doesn't seem right, this doesn't seem right, this doesn't seem right, this doesn't seem right, this doesn't seem right, this doesn't seem right.

00:27:55.567 --> 00:28:10.144
And I didn't, because I believed in commitment and marriage and sticking it out, and I had been told by society relationships are hard, just keep working, just keep working.

00:28:10.144 --> 00:28:11.188
And that message was over and over and over.

00:28:11.188 --> 00:28:13.232
And finally, I remember my brother called me he's like Tracy.

00:28:13.232 --> 00:28:18.583
Finally remember my brother called me he's like tracy.

00:28:18.603 --> 00:28:20.246
Relationships require work, but it shouldn't be this hard.

00:28:20.266 --> 00:28:26.384
You know, and I think that that is such an individual gauge of like, what is the balance of work meaning?

00:28:26.384 --> 00:28:32.160
I care for my partner, so I'm going out of my way to be kind, be supportive.

00:28:32.160 --> 00:28:32.882
That is work.

00:28:32.882 --> 00:28:34.547
It's happy work, right.

00:28:34.547 --> 00:28:37.546
And then the work of the dread, oh my gosh.

00:28:37.546 --> 00:28:45.292
Like if your body turns up when they walk in the door and that happens, like for a month or a year or five years.

00:28:45.299 --> 00:28:48.530
And it's more subconscious than conscious.

00:28:49.204 --> 00:28:51.279
Yeah, it's not about like a fight or this or that.

00:28:51.279 --> 00:28:52.866
It's like are you?

00:28:52.866 --> 00:29:02.069
You have to just be so brave and honest with yourself and determine am I being aligned in this situation?

00:29:02.069 --> 00:29:09.853
And you know, the average person attempts to leave seven times before actually a relationship ends.

00:29:09.853 --> 00:29:17.923
So, and also, what I personally experienced too, is divorce is so hard that it does not be easy out, and you know this too.

00:29:17.923 --> 00:29:24.986
Like divorce is very hard, it's brutal, and no one would do it If the alternative was easier.

00:29:24.986 --> 00:29:31.602
Right, we only step into it because it's really it's, it's, it's so.

00:29:31.602 --> 00:29:35.146
It's such an upheaval of your life and I'm no, I'm no divorce advocate.

00:29:35.146 --> 00:29:37.009
It's such an upheaval of your life and I'm no divorce advocate.

00:29:37.009 --> 00:29:38.112
I'm a alignment advocate.

00:29:38.112 --> 00:29:40.555
I am here to help people thrive.

00:29:40.555 --> 00:29:44.436
I'm not here to tell everyone to leave their marriages the minute they have a fight.

00:29:44.436 --> 00:29:44.759
Absolutely not.

00:29:44.759 --> 00:29:47.424
People come to me after they've already decided to leave their marriage right.

00:29:47.424 --> 00:29:49.619
I believe in partnership and commitment.

00:29:49.619 --> 00:29:57.067
That thing I believe the most in is aligned, empowered, peaceful humans.

00:29:59.020 --> 00:30:15.972
I can appreciate that and I think everything and this is my personal opinion, I mean everything stems from family, because it gives you at least a baseline or should.

00:30:15.972 --> 00:30:30.926
Normally there's exceptions to all of these things, but it gives you a baseline for trust and courage and communication, love, selfishness and altruism and all sorts of different things.

00:30:30.926 --> 00:30:33.570
And then the thresholds for those things.

00:30:33.570 --> 00:30:35.173
Is greed always bad?

00:30:35.173 --> 00:30:41.619
No, because I never one time got to get seconds when my younger brother was eating at the table with us.

00:30:41.619 --> 00:30:45.489
He did, though Right, I was older, I should.

00:30:45.489 --> 00:30:47.113
It's fine, your brother needs to eat.

00:30:47.113 --> 00:30:47.780
He's a growing boy.

00:30:47.780 --> 00:30:51.347
You know like okay, but you learn.

00:30:51.347 --> 00:30:53.532
You know sometimes that's okay too.

00:30:53.532 --> 00:30:55.784
And then other times when there's extra rolls.

00:30:55.825 --> 00:31:02.301
I'm not giving him any because he had it yesterday, you know so then you learn fairness and greed or whatever you know.

00:31:02.342 --> 00:31:04.890
There's all sorts of lessons you can learn, I think in family is my point.

00:31:04.890 --> 00:31:07.648
But it's not always family of origin.

00:31:07.648 --> 00:31:15.269
I think you can have families that you create over time, you and your friends.

00:31:15.269 --> 00:31:38.731
Or, in this example, I don't know how well you get along with your ex-husband, I'm in a amicable enough position with my ex-wife and that's okay, because then it also affords opportunities to teach that conflict is natural and how to work through conflict or how to attempt to, and life's not always fair, and all the other lessons that come with it.

00:31:39.032 --> 00:31:56.208
But I'll tell you this, tracy, and obviously for everybody listening as well I think all of those what would you call those corollary points or qualifiers or whatever come from a value system, and so I'm curious, because you didn't just make all this stuff up.

00:31:56.208 --> 00:31:58.786
In fact you said when you sat down and thought about it it was already there.

00:31:58.786 --> 00:32:07.134
So this is a segment of the show called Developing Character and it's two questions.

00:32:07.134 --> 00:32:28.902
It's entirely vulnerable, or whatever, as you want to be in depth, to any of these answers, but I want to try to get the picture of a timeline here, all right, and see how things maybe changed or, naturally, over time influenced your perspective to be able to handle this maturely in some sort of a self-controlled you know, regulatory fashion, despite the chaos.

00:32:28.902 --> 00:32:36.121
So my first question is when you were growing up, what were some of your values then, or that you were exposed to or raised on?

00:32:36.121 --> 00:32:37.765
What was the foundation?

00:32:39.710 --> 00:32:44.141
So my foundation and my roots come from a Christian upbringing.

00:32:44.141 --> 00:32:50.988
My family was, I would say, like Christian in a good way.

00:32:50.988 --> 00:32:52.529
I mean it was very positive.

00:32:52.529 --> 00:33:02.692
It was um great community and we had always lots of friends, always um doing a lot of service work, you know it was.

00:33:02.692 --> 00:33:10.867
It was um very wholesome, I would say, and also for sure that it it was.

00:33:10.867 --> 00:33:29.200
Christianity in and of itself Isn't there's, there's belief and faith, and then there's cultural norms, right, or cultural beliefs, and those are not necessarily, even at the time, my values, and they are not anymore.

00:33:29.200 --> 00:33:47.084
But I think the thing that that was a real value or was really ingrained in us was like this very evangelical nature to christianity, like hey, if you don't believe in this, you're done, so you're out yeah you're going to hell and yeah

00:33:47.104 --> 00:33:49.046
yeah and um.

00:33:49.046 --> 00:33:59.237
So as I reflected on that, what I was raised with in my 20s, I first tried to quit God.

00:33:59.237 --> 00:34:10.735
I was like I'm done with this, and I think that was really kind of a turning point for me to own what I actually cared about.

00:34:10.735 --> 00:34:20.190
So for me, what I realized was that there's tenets and of that upbringing that I hold dearly and actually it's just one.

00:34:20.190 --> 00:34:27.420
It's just one that I really cling to and it and it's my foundation, which is we are all so loved.

00:34:27.420 --> 00:34:50.289
We're all just so loved, and I don't believe in a kind of man-made or culture-made belief system, a faith system, but I do believe in the energetics of the universe, I do believe in love and I do believe in that.

00:34:50.289 --> 00:34:51.731
We are intentionally here.

00:34:51.731 --> 00:35:00.360
We are intentionally here, yeah.

00:35:00.380 --> 00:35:02.985
That's probably the most important thing that I took away from my upbringing.

00:35:02.985 --> 00:35:13.327
Okay, well then, growing up over, I can probably safely assume, the next few decades then what about now?

00:35:13.327 --> 00:35:15.793
What are some of your values now then?

00:35:17.019 --> 00:35:30.490
So now I think that, like I was sharing a little bit earlier, I didn't just get divorced and create values, but now I know what I care about.

00:35:31.331 --> 00:35:49.074
But I mean for me, I think it's really simple, right, I, I care about my family, I care about my friendships and I care about my personal physical health and peace of mind.

00:35:49.074 --> 00:35:50.922
Those are the things.

00:35:50.922 --> 00:36:18.420
So, if every day, I'm being with my kids, I'm connecting with at least one friend, I connect with my friends every single day a lot of them, and it's so important to me and I'm taking care of my body, I'm working out, I'm mountain biking, I'm doing whatever, and I'm keeping my mind peaceful by being in nature, being quiet, cleaning my house my favorite peace inducing activity um, you're like, you're so obsessed with cleaning.

00:36:18.420 --> 00:36:22.630
Um, those are things I mean.

00:36:22.630 --> 00:36:27.501
I think it's it's simple, right, like the how, like we're talking about also earlier.

00:36:27.501 --> 00:36:31.148
Each day it's tacked up, makes our life.

00:36:31.148 --> 00:36:44.063
So when you try to get your, keep your ingredients good and simple in your days, and that will make a good life, you know All right, folks sit tight and we'll be right back on Transacting Value.

00:36:46.288 --> 00:36:52.143
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00:37:27.601 --> 00:37:31.547
Porthouse, tampa Bay Realtor, where values start in the home.

00:37:33.389 --> 00:37:36.474
Each day is tacked up makes our life.

00:37:36.474 --> 00:37:44.764
So when you try to get your, keep your ingredients good and simple in your days and that will make a good life, you know.

00:37:45.746 --> 00:37:49.965
Yeah, well, I think it can if you, if you recognize what you have.

00:37:49.965 --> 00:37:54.313
Yeah, if you don't, I think it can be just as neglected or or wasted, or or just omitted entirely because you don't.

00:37:54.313 --> 00:37:58.931
I think it can be just as neglected or wasted or just omitted entirely because you don't know what you've got.

00:37:58.931 --> 00:38:07.010
The beauty that you talked about, the simplicity and the peace that you've been talking about, the more you thought about it.

00:38:07.010 --> 00:38:13.766
I'm curious was that there before, or was it things that started to manifest the more you thought about it?

00:38:13.766 --> 00:38:15.050
You know what I mean?

00:38:15.050 --> 00:38:16.643
Was it always sort of resonant?

00:38:16.643 --> 00:38:27.023
You just didn't pay attention to it until you were able to slow down um, like my, my connection to beauty and peace or my need for that yeah to some of these values you're talking about now.

00:38:27.123 --> 00:38:28.887
I mean, were they always there?

00:38:28.887 --> 00:38:33.208
You just didn't, you know, smell the roses, or something I don't know.

00:38:33.510 --> 00:38:40.668
Um, I do think, yes, I think that my perspective has always been rather similar.

00:38:40.668 --> 00:38:51.405
I think that I, when I speak of kind of rediscovering or redefining these values, a lot of it was just detangling from a really hard marriage, for you know that decade of my life that it was there.

00:38:51.405 --> 00:39:00.570
So I would say I still even had all these things throughout, you know, childhood, through the twenties, through my marriage and then post divorce.

00:39:00.570 --> 00:39:24.842
I think I'm just more aware of them and I more defined them and realize, recognize, as I get older, as we all get older, how important it is to talk about and define those things to so that you can make sure that you're living by what is important to you you know, okay, okay.

00:39:24.882 --> 00:39:28.728
So is that a maturity consideration?

00:39:28.728 --> 00:39:31.313
You just it'll make sense when you're older.

00:39:31.313 --> 00:39:36.628
Get through it now, you'll be okay, you know, get a job and then slow down later.

00:39:36.628 --> 00:39:38.231
Or is that something you think?

00:39:38.231 --> 00:39:41.601
Yeah, with enough conscious effort, you can.

00:39:41.601 --> 00:39:50.152
You can piece this together and you can make it work and and figure out who you are, no matter your age, or cognitive development or whatever.

00:39:51.460 --> 00:40:04.391
I think both, and I think that we always have access to self-awareness and paying attention to life, living in gratitude, those things that sound so trite but are so profound.

00:40:04.391 --> 00:40:11.460
We all have access to that all, and I I believe I I did access that and lived by that along the way.

00:40:11.460 --> 00:40:30.664
You know, and and with age, I think that you do get a richer perspective and you do have more gratitude and you realize how much more simple everything is like, or the things that are really important are the simplest things, right, being kind, spending time with people that you love.

00:40:30.664 --> 00:40:41.273
You know being grateful, you know being aware of the magic that's happening all around you, and so, yeah, I think it's a both, both hands to that question.

00:40:42.275 --> 00:40:43.800
Yeah, Well, I can appreciate that.

00:40:43.800 --> 00:40:50.822
I mean the experience alone of growing up and getting older, the experience alone is over time.

00:40:50.822 --> 00:40:56.213
If you know, you pay enough attention and I'm, and I think enough is a minimal degree of attention.

00:40:56.213 --> 00:41:07.407
But if you pay enough attention, you can start to see the patterns, you can start to see the events or the causation that led to some of them, or behaviors, actions, people, personality types or whatever it is.

00:41:07.407 --> 00:41:17.121
And so, yeah, I think it's easier to learn in hindsight because of those biases, prejudices, pattern recognition, habits of thought or action, you know.

00:41:17.902 --> 00:41:20.351
But then what if you don't have it?

00:41:20.351 --> 00:41:33.233
I'm curious because, like you said earlier, plenty of people get married young and then get divorced young and then fall into a similar kind of relationship or with the same type of person, maybe all over again, just a different last name.

00:41:33.233 --> 00:41:36.277
So what then?

00:41:36.277 --> 00:41:48.092
Because obviously in that case, or generally let me say that generally then it wasn't recognized in advance to avoid it, to change some circumstance or some aspect or perception.

00:41:48.092 --> 00:41:52.206
So what advice do you have then?

00:41:52.206 --> 00:41:55.454
Suck it up, Wait till the third time.

00:41:56.721 --> 00:42:00.469
Just being kind to yourself and looking at it for what it is.

00:42:00.469 --> 00:42:03.445
Okay, you, you repeated a pattern.

00:42:03.445 --> 00:42:06.045
Now you're aware that you repeated a pattern.

00:42:06.045 --> 00:42:12.208
Okay, so you, now that you're aware of it, you can potentially not repeat it again.

00:42:12.208 --> 00:42:15.585
And if you do repeat it again, then you're going to be able to do it again.

00:42:15.585 --> 00:42:19.693
Take shame out of the equation and just look at the pattern.

00:42:19.693 --> 00:42:22.018
Don't beat yourself up, right?

00:42:22.018 --> 00:42:25.492
We live in so much shame and fear and guilt and those things.

00:42:25.492 --> 00:42:28.827
Don't let us get to the root of what we're actually dealing with.

00:42:28.827 --> 00:42:35.365
So take those off of your plate, recognize your pattern and try again.

00:42:35.365 --> 00:42:46.768
You know, our whole life is just about trying again and we constantly make mistakes or we constantly get a little bit or a lot bit off kilter, and we can.

00:42:46.768 --> 00:42:50.755
All we can do is recognize it and keep trying, you know.

00:42:51.818 --> 00:42:53.697
Yeah, but that's well.

00:42:53.697 --> 00:42:59.217
That's hard in itself, not just the recognition but taking shame out of the equation or the grief or whatever.

00:42:59.257 --> 00:43:02.293
That's the most important thing, that is the most important thing.

00:43:02.313 --> 00:43:03.057
That is the most important thing.

00:43:03.057 --> 00:43:03.661
Just think about it.

00:43:03.661 --> 00:43:04.385
This here's another.

00:43:04.385 --> 00:43:06.693
This is just our gardens garden episode.

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Think about your yard.

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Right, it's got dandelions everywhere.

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You're going to go out there and you're just going to clip off the dandelions and what is going to happen?

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They're going to grow back, right.

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That is what happens when you only deal with shame.

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Shame is a dandelion, right, I'm going to take it off.

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I mean, I'm just going to only live in shame and you never get to the root and it's just whatever is happening there.

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When you're only addressing your shame, I'm so ashamed of that, I'm just self-loathing.

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Oh my gosh, I'm so embarrassed and you only live in that and you never go deeper.

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Then that same root is just going to grow another dandelion, another weed.

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It is scary to go deeper.

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That's tough, even if you're by yourself in your house, alone in your own head, not even out loud.

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Oh my gosh your head can be the scariest place to be right, yeah.

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So let me ask you this then, and I guess, for the sake of time, I only have a couple more questions for you.

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But when that happens, that sort of I'll say inescapable feeling, you're stuck in your head and you're working through, let's say, shame and guilt and fear and all of these things, I think you have two options you fight or flight and you say, no, I'm not dealing with it, and then you just go about your way and it becomes what it is, or you do something about it to whatever extent and maybe manage it better, as the outcome.

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Are either of those options better than the other?

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