Navigating Life After Service: Insights from Former Marine Talia Rhea

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The views expressed in this podcast are solely those of the podcast host and guest and do not necessarily represent those of our distribution partners, supporting business relationships or supported audience.

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Welcome to Transacting Value, where we talk about practical applications for instigating self-worth when dealing with each other and even within ourselves, when we foster a podcast listening experience that lets you hear the power of a value system for managing burnout, establishing boundaries, fostering community and finding identity.

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My name is Josh Porthouse, I'm your host and we are redefining sovereignty of character.

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This is why values still hold value.

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This is Transacting Value.

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You know I was that high performing.

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You know ex-Marine who was working in the Pentagon and doing all the things, and on paper I had it all together.

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And looking back now I can confidently say I was having an identity crisis.

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Today on Transacting Value.

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What do you have to do when you transition different roles?

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Well, one of those things is obviously figure out what it's going to move into, but what happens if you don't know who you are?

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To narrow down the list Today's conversation we're talking with the host of the Talia Rhea podcast.

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She's a business coach and she was commissioned in the Marine Corps.

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We're going to talk all about it.

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Her name is Talia Rhea.

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So, without further ado, folks on Porter, I'm your host and this is Transacting Value Talia, how you doing.

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Hi, Josh, I'm doing well.

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I'm so excited to be here.

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Thanks so much for having me on the show.

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I got to tell you, not for nothing, and I'm sure you're aware because you've got people on your show as well.

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A lot of people say that and it's really difficult to know if it's serious and genuine.

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Yeah, I'm kidding, I'm genuinely excited.

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No, I'm kidding, I really do appreciate the opportunity.

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Though which coast do you want?

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Where are you?

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East, west, central?

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I'm actually in Nashville, so no coast whatsoever, I am landlocked AF.

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Yeah, well, you know it was going to be the next answer.

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I asked, obviously so, uh, okay, so you're in Nashville, you're in Tennessee, so where are we at here?

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Good evening then, um, yeah, so saying that, uh, let's take a couple minutes right, at least for right now, here in this season of the show we're only releasing the audio, and so this is kind of like what happens.

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I think they did an interview with what's the kid's name who played Spider-Man in Avengers.

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Oh, first, kid Holland, shoot Tom.

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Holland, tom Holland, I should know that.

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Yep, he did an interview and he said the hardest part about being a superhero in the Avengers is the mask, because nobody can see your expressions, so you really have to sell it over the top.

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Yeah, that's to say nobody's going to see your face on this conversation for the time being, so let's take a couple minutes and just set the stage All right, however you like.

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But who are you?

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Where are you from?

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What sort of things have shaped your perspective?

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Oh my gosh, that's a loaded question.

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Well, my Talia Rhea is and I was actually born in Southern California.

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I was born in like, the Long Beach area, grew up there.

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The oldest of four kids, I was homeschooled growing up.

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You know that's a whole thing in and of itself, but when I was 20 years old, I commissioned in the Marine Corps as a second lieutenant.

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I was very young.

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I was actually able to graduate early from college, so I was baby Bastien that was my nickname at OCS and the basic school and I did the Marine Corps for six years, learned a lot.

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It really was formative in terms of who I became as a person, who I became as a leader and then did what a lot of people do, you know.

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I got out after six years and I went to the consulting side of the house, like most transitioning officers.

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I was stationed at Quantico and then at Fort Meade in Maryland, so I was living in and around the DC Beltway area and I got into government consulting, as one does realized it wasn't for me.

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I absolutely hated it toward the end there, and this was around COVID timeframe.

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So I decided to quit my job, become a coach, start a business, start a podcast, and here I am, like four years later.

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So it's been a wild, wild ride.

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Yeah, that's a journey for sure, but you stuck with.

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I mean, essentially, coaching is consulting, right, it's a little bit different slant, but it's basically the same idea.

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Ish, ish.

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So I would say consulting relies on the consultant's subject matter expertise, whereas coaching is all about the client's subject matter expertise and it's the job and the responsibility of the coach to like not bring their agenda into the coaching space.

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So a little bit of a different impetus, but essentially, yes, you are talking to people, you are advocating for them.

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So similar, I guess, in that respect.

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Okay, all right.

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So a lot of it.

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Obviously, then, is the why, questions the how, questions the what, when, who type questions, describe, tell me more, type stuff.

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Very open-ended questions.

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Yes, yeah, okay, all right, so you're not really pushing your stuff.

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So then, what good does your experience do you?

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It sounds like then you went from specializing pretty highly well in the defense industry to then moving into an industry now where it's not about you and your experience.

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So how do you translate?

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Yeah, that's a really great question.

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So obviously all of my experiences like formulated and shaped who I am and like the philosophies that I have, the attitudes and belief systems that I have, and it's really my story that inspired me to become a coach in the first place.

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You know I was that high performing you know ex-Marine who was working in the Pentagon and doing all the things and on paper I had it all together.

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And looking back now I can confidently say I was having an identity crisis.

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I was having a post-military identity crisis and no one talks about this, but I was kind of functionally depressed and I wasn't happy.

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And that story being a high performer and having it all together on the outside is what I coach my clients around.

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So my experience allows me to empathize with where they're at in their life right now.

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My experience allows me to guide them, to present frameworks, to present tools and tactics to empower them to get out of the cycle.

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You know the merry-go-round that they're on right now, but ultimately I'm holding up a mirror for them to then be able to take action and decide how they're going to break toxic patterns in the present in order to make momentum on their goals in the future.

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I see.

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And so then that mirror you're holding up is propped up by what your own experiences, insights or research you do about them as a client.

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It's a little bit of both.

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It's a lot of helping the client hear what they're saying.

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You know, a lot of us externally process and we just say things to say them or we say things not realizing what we're actually saying.

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Case in point I was having a conversation with someone who is a very high performer but hated his job, really hated different aspects of his life, like he was having health issues and then he was having conflicts in his marriage.

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And you know, I asked him like if things don't change in six months from now, where does that leave you?

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And he laughed and he's like, oh my gosh, like I'll probably be dead.

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And he like chuckled and like just kind of dismissed it and I let it go.

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And then I brought it back a few minutes later and I said do you realize that in the course of five minutes you've talked about death, dying, depression, like all these things?

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And I just strung it together for him in like a couple of sentences and he literally started crying on the phone and he was like I didn't realize how bad it was.

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So we say these things, these innocuous, you know, social idioms or these expressions that everyone just kind of says idioms, or these expressions that everyone just kind of says, and it's not until someone kind of presses pause and forces you to hear the playback of your own words that you realize like, oh, this is actually a problem, I'm not okay.

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So that's what I do in holding up the mirror.

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I totally understand that.

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I have a podcast too.

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I totally get it.

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Yeah, this has become.

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I have a podcast too.

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I totally get it.

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Yeah, this, this has become, or developed into my own therapy, I guess.

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And you know something that stands out when it comes to I feel pretty confident in saying any service members transition experience because every single one of us goes through the experience is everybody joins on some semblance, reason, scale or scope for TRICARE, yeah, but nobody wants to live with it after.

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And I think the crazy thing is and maybe this was your experience as well, I don't know I went to Quantico, to OCS in 2008, and I got MedSept, so I enlisted after that.

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But it was an experience for me because that was the first time I realized there's also plenty of people staying in because they're afraid of what might happen if they get out, or seem like they're afraid if they get out.

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That is so true and I don't know.

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I might get canceled for saying this or even speaking it out loud, but I would hazard a guess and say that a good majority of the military stays in much longer than they should or want to, because they're too afraid of making that transition, and rightly so.

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Like it's a scary thing, but it's also not as scary sometimes as I think we make it out to be.

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Steve Harvey has a motivational speech.

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You can find it on YouTube.

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If I remember what it's titled, I'll tell you before we stop recording.

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But it was all about flying, where you're never going to know how far you can fly until you jump right is the premise of the whole thing, and I think the point is the same where, especially in my case, you get so stuck in what you're used to as a routine and thought pattern and maybe even habit of action that you don't have to think it's autopilot for so long the muscle memory atrophies in terms of individual recognition, character development if it even existed in the first place, and if not, you're starting from a shunted position at point zero, and I think that is not a realization everybody hits, but it's definitely a realization everybody finds.

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In hindsight, I wasn't as ready as I thought.

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The professional development is through the roof now, especially with the TAP program, but personal development is I don't know negatives, not existent in my opinion.

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So in your case, how do you go from?

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Not existent in my opinion.

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So in your case, how do you go from I'm going to be a commissioned officer and make a career of this I assume was the initial beginning thoughts to then no, this isn't for me, Because I've only seen it from the enlisted side of the coin.

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Well, I definitely had a very atypical experience in the Marine Corps.

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So I never deployed, I was a staff officer, my MOS was adjutant or what later became classified as a manpower officer.

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So I stayed in garrison for the entirety of my career and I definitely appreciate the fact that, like that is the lens through which I view the Marine Corps.

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However, I also had the opportunity to work in very close proximity to a lot of senior and executive leadership.

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So whereas most of my second lieutenant, you know, and other company grade peers were reporting to a major, I was reporting to a lieutenant colonel and eventually colonels and you know, interface with general officers and, being that close to the Pentagon, like you're just interacting with SESs and you know, high profile, high visibility leaders.

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So I got to see a different side of the Marine Corps, I think, than most of my peers, even though I was in garrison and active duty for six years.

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Alrighty, folks sit tight and we'll be right back on Transacting Value.

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Pass it on.

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This time of upheaval is causing me to look a little deeper inside myself, looking for some goodness, and this is what I've found I'm more aware of my neighbor's well-being.

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I'm saying thanks to those who help keep my life as normal as possible my mail carrier, my grocery cashier, my delivery person.

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I find myself caring about others instead of just looking out for myself.

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And, oh my goodness, does it feel good.

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Goodness is in you.

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From PassItOn.

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com.

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So I got to see a different side of the Marine Corps, I think, than most of my peers, even though I was in garrison and active duty for six years, and it really put a sour taste in my mouth for the military, quite honestly, because everyone that I came across was so siloed, everyone was so focused on things that I just didn't agree with.

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I didn't agree with the priorities, I didn't agree with the leadership.

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I saw a lot of hypocrisy, I saw a lot of peacocking and you know this isn't to say that everyone and every leader that I came across was this way, but it was a lot of it and I just didn't appreciate the culture.

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Truthfully, I knew that I was limited as Captain Bastien Bastien was my maiden name and I knew I couldn't be who I wanted to be as Captain Bastien, and so I knew that I had to get out and I went into the military with the expectation that I'd only do four years.

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I did six years to get my master's degree and as an officer, like, there's a payback thing if you use tuition assistance, so I timed it to work with my career designation.

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It was a whole thing.

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But the Marine Corps was always supposed to be temporary for me and I feel like personally, I was kind of shamed for wanting to get out at six years, but I knew that ultimately, like I, was meant for more and I knew that as a Marine and I think that's an unpopular thing to say, but it's something that I think allowed me to be more successful in my transition story than, unfortunately, a lot of guys and gals who make that their whole identity.

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Why?

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What aspect do you think has made you a bit more successful or apt to adjust more effectively?

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Because my identity never was fully the Marine Corps.

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I was always very conscious of who I was and the fact that the Marine Corps was something that I'm super proud of and it was an accomplishment and it was noble service, but it wasn't who I was and I think through no fault of their own.

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I mean, the military does this regardless of what branch you join, but we're told that this is who we are now Like.

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The military does a great job of breaking down our civilian identity in order to then build us back up into a Marine or a sailor or a soldier you know whatever it is, an airman.

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And then, when it comes time for us to transition out, they don't then do a great job breaking down what they've built in order to give us a new civilian identity.

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They just kind of hand you your DD-214, say thank you very much, have a nice day, and then the transition focus is very employment centric.

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It's not identity centric.

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And unfortunately I think so many people struggle a couple of years removed from active duty because they never did the preliminary work of transitioning their identity.

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They're trying to copy paste a military identity into a civilian structure and it doesn't work, but they feel like they're the problem, and it's not their fault by any stretch of the imagination, and so I think we need to shift the conversation, and that's what I'm trying to do with my coaching.

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Okay, fine, shift it towards what?

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Shift it towards an identity centric transition conversation which is yes, you served in the military, yes, it was honorable service.

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Yes, you were a part of something greater than yourself and hopefully you become so much more than that.

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Hopefully you take those skill sets that you learned.

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Hopefully you take those values and you're able to apply them in service to something else.

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We're not constantly looking backwards, appreciating what was, we're looking forwards, and that's what coaching is all about.

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It's about forward momentum and understanding the patterns in the present that are preventing us from executing on our goals.

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Okay.

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So two things I've learned out of what you just said, and this is what you made me think of.

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One I just got off my active duty contract, back in October 2023.

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Okay, 14 years active duty in the Marine Corps, the whole time All right.

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The majority of my career was spent in the infantry, and so an instant willing obedience to orders that definition we'll use as a baseline for discipline here is necessary in a kinetic environment, because you're playing with milliseconds in some cases, so you don't necessarily have the time or the luxury or even the opportunity in some cases to think.

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It has to be inculcated in your sort of instinctual response, muscle memory, whatever that action is, and, in some cases, the words that you use, because if you get tongue tied on a radio, I'm sure you heard, maybe even at TBS, that it's push to talk, not push to think, and then there's a problem.

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Well, that doesn't necessarily translate and I agree with the point you made that it's difficult to move beyond that, especially if you don't have the exposure or reason or justification to need to move beyond that.

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The second thing you brought up, though that I thought was actually really poignant, was learning how to convey that stuff Once you have broken through it or seen a need to move past it.

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So I've been out now nine months and it has been for me emotionally, mentally, even just in terms of my maturity and perspective, one of the most fatiguing processes I think that I've gone through, except for the first time when I was at Parris Highland, and exactly what you're describing is exactly what I'm going through now, and I think, even if you go back and listen to other seasons of this show, it has changed and evolved and refined, as my own thought processes have, and I was just talking about this today actually, and I was just talking about this today actually that I don't yet have the vocabulary to describe the clarity that I need or a way to realign my identity with, maybe what's a bit more authentic or what's more focused on what I want to do in terms of how I want to, what I want it to mean or the application of how I want it to apply to my life.

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I don't have the mental connection or acuity to really discern that.

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When it's compared to my previous skillset as a baseline, I don't know how to translate it.

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And so, yeah, I think the service you're providing is invaluable and I think exactly what you're describing is exactly what needs to be stated louder and more frequently.

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Like we said, the personal development really isn't there, and I'm curious.

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There has to be a system, and I don't mean the transition assistance program, I mean individually, personally.

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There has to be a system to transition STEPS an acronym.

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You know what I'm saying, Talia?

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Scream the ditty.

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What's the transition mechanics here that you need to that you recommend working through some sort of you know veterans love structure, some sort of systemic process?

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Have you discovered anything over the last couple of years with clients or on your own?

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I did.

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I actually recorded a podcast about this, using the word leader and breaking that down to describe like not necessarily what goes into a transition from the military.

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Necessarily, but you know talking about what is necessary in order to get you from where you're at to where you want to go.

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But the L in leader stands for learn your gaps, and we like to say that we're very self-aware, that we understand our blind spots, and the truth is, you can never fully understand your own blind spots.

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That's why they're blind spots, and so anyone who tells you that they're fully aware of their blind spots and hasn't worked with anyone externally to them, I would challenge that and I would encourage them to actually invite some outside accountability and outside support, and that's really what a coach does.

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But learning our gaps is pivotal to understanding the real problem.

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I'll give you an example.

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A lot of my clients come to me and they say, hey, I don't really know what I'm gonna do next, but I'm gonna go to grad school, I'm gonna go get my MBA.

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They think that the MBA is going to give them the solution to their problem, which is a lack of clarity, because they don't know what it is that they wanna do next?

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And when we actually work together and we strip away all of the presuppositions that they have around the MBA, they come to realize that the root of the problem, the gap that they're trying to fill, is not a lack of knowledge, it's fear.

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The problem that they're actually trying to address is a fear of the unknown, is a fear of executing on the goal or the dream or the idea or the business plan that they have in their mind, and they don't feel confident.

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So they think that getting an MBA is going to make them feel more confident, but they're trying to find a solution to the wrong question.

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It's the wrong gap that they're trying to fill.

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A solution to the wrong question.

00:22:03.696 --> 00:22:04.798
It's the wrong gap that they're trying to fill.

00:22:04.798 --> 00:22:11.901
So that would be one example in the leader framework of making sure that you're understanding the right gap and finding the right solution to fill that gap.

00:22:11.901 --> 00:22:15.737
Sure Again, there's like other aspects of that framework as well.

00:22:16.258 --> 00:22:18.523
It's the Marine Corps planning process.

00:22:18.523 --> 00:22:19.967
Right, it's the same thing.

00:22:19.967 --> 00:22:20.957
I mean, here's the crazy thing.

00:22:20.957 --> 00:22:38.924
As much as I wanted to stray away from all of these habits and thought processes that I thought were so ridiculously ingrained into, in my experience, the Marine Corps culture, I said, oh well, you know, eventually I'll get out, and when I do I'm never touching any of this, ever again.

00:22:38.924 --> 00:22:40.268
And what I it's all the same.

00:22:40.268 --> 00:22:44.458
Well, that's the thing.

00:22:44.458 --> 00:22:46.828
It is right, it's just a Marine Corps branded way of looking at all of these same concepts.

00:22:46.848 --> 00:22:53.397
And so, when it comes to problem framing, for example, it's not so much a matter of where do you put the question mark, but is the question mark properly placed?

00:22:53.397 --> 00:22:55.683
And I think that's exactly it.

00:22:55.683 --> 00:23:07.741
And then, obviously, once you do, you can war game it and figure out what works and what doesn't, but in terms of identifying some degree of fear and then what to do about it, what happens if you have no idea?

00:23:07.741 --> 00:23:14.586
Because there's plenty of guys or girls I guess anybody now in the infantry that get out and they say I don't know what I want to do.

00:23:14.586 --> 00:23:17.461
I guess I'll go to school, and that's a four-year plan that may work.

00:23:17.884 --> 00:23:20.939
But I call bullshit on On what On the?

00:23:20.939 --> 00:23:23.046
I don't know what I want to do when I get out.

00:23:23.046 --> 00:23:33.164
I actually challenge that because I believe deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down, everyone has a semblance of an idea of what they want to do.

00:23:33.164 --> 00:23:37.586
They just don't think that their idea is realistic.

00:23:37.586 --> 00:23:44.906
They don't think that their idea will make money, they don't think that their idea will support the reputation that they've built up for themselves.

00:23:44.906 --> 00:24:03.880
But they know, like if you were to put them on a yacht in the Mediterranean with $10 million a year, they would know something that they're interested in, that they would want to pursue, because the people who do have the yacht in the Mediterranean with a bajillion dollars a year are still working right.

00:24:03.880 --> 00:24:15.798
No one is actually sitting in the lap of luxury all the time, because that is intrinsically unfulfilling to the need that we have as humans to be productive and to be part of something greater than ourselves.

00:24:15.798 --> 00:24:18.165
So again, you could you talk about?

00:24:18.165 --> 00:24:20.138
Is the question mark placed correctly?

00:24:20.138 --> 00:24:22.906
Like we're just asking the wrong questions, in my view.

00:24:24.435 --> 00:24:26.884
Alrighty, folks sit tight and we'll be right back on Transacting Value.

00:24:28.977 --> 00:24:35.205
Alrighty folks, if you're looking for more perspective and more podcasts, you can check out Transacting Value on Reads Across America Radio.

00:24:35.205 --> 00:24:38.825
Listen in on iHeartRadio, odyssey and TuneIn.

00:24:40.536 --> 00:24:42.300
So again, you could you talk about?

00:24:42.300 --> 00:24:44.266
Is the question mark placed correctly?

00:24:44.266 --> 00:24:47.060
Like we're just asking the wrong questions, in my view.

00:24:48.423 --> 00:25:08.347
Well, I think, when it comes to alleviating ignorance or let me say this, the lack of education, creating the ignorance, is systemic throughout the DOD and I think to some degree it has to be, because again, we talked about discipline and it's a warfighting function or fulfilling a warfighting function as an industry.

00:25:08.347 --> 00:25:11.446
So it sort of has to be so that way it stays focused.

00:25:11.446 --> 00:25:26.846
But I think, yeah, that myopic viewpoint of the industry and of the governmental department definitely shortchanges the ability of individuals out of necessity for a period of time in the contract, but after, yeah, it's tough to recover, especially if you don't know where to go, how to do it.

00:25:26.846 --> 00:25:30.855
You know, I've talked with a couple of people about this on the show and it is pretty interesting to me.

00:25:30.855 --> 00:25:34.450
I'm starting to learn in hindsight If you think about it.

00:25:34.450 --> 00:25:59.625
I mean, you said 20 years old, but 18 to 20 years old you've got individuals getting into the Department of Defense and this is again focused on the US, but you've got individuals as a baseline getting into the US Department of Defense with not fully formed brains, and so you know we are taking then the next I don't know eight-year contract to say here's how you're going to think, view the world and act under certain stimuli and catalysts.

00:25:59.625 --> 00:26:08.088
So is it really that much of a shock that after that six to eight years, or four to eight years, we don't know what to do?

00:26:08.088 --> 00:26:09.011
I mean, we've gone from.

00:26:09.574 --> 00:26:20.445
I think the first 18 years of life allows you to experience as much of life as possible, ideally within a certain amount of controls and constraints, so you don't actually have to sacrifice much.

00:26:20.445 --> 00:26:21.336
Your parents do.

00:26:21.336 --> 00:26:26.672
But then when you turn 18, I don't think anymore, especially in 2024, that that cuts you loose.

00:26:26.672 --> 00:26:40.196
I think that gives you the ability to do it now without your parents always there, but then you've got their support, generally speaking, until your mid-20s and then, usually late 20s, you start making something out of your own life.

00:26:40.196 --> 00:26:47.650
But we go from high school and our parents to the DOD as our parents for 30 years in some cases.

00:26:47.650 --> 00:26:56.957
And unless you read books and run all the time and you're one bullet away, then what do you have to stand on Conversations on firewatch and in the smoke pit.

00:26:56.957 --> 00:26:58.500
That's not going to help too much.

00:26:58.500 --> 00:27:01.027
So how do you recommend moving through it?

00:27:01.636 --> 00:27:12.659
Here's another complicating factor that we don't talk about enough as veterans, which is the emotional disassociation that is required to be successful in the military.

00:27:13.099 --> 00:27:13.519
Absolutely.

00:27:14.060 --> 00:27:17.968
And this is seen in all different avenues.

00:27:17.968 --> 00:27:34.259
No matter what military career you have, right, even just going through basic training, you are constantly having to shut down your physiological urges for warmth and shelter and safety and comfort.

00:27:34.259 --> 00:27:38.367
That doesn't even include the mental white knuckling that you have to do.

00:27:38.367 --> 00:27:40.182
That becomes a lifestyle.

00:27:40.182 --> 00:27:54.304
And if you're a high performer that is attracted to the military for that very reason like I was that performance mindset becomes a philosophy that informs everything that you think, say and do.

00:27:54.304 --> 00:28:00.586
So now you're white knuckling through relationships and now you're white knuckling through your first civilian job, and you don't like it.

00:28:00.586 --> 00:28:06.586
But you're a Marine, so you're going to push through and you're going to endure in mental and intestinal fortitude, right.

00:28:06.586 --> 00:28:25.722
And when you extrapolate that toward the guys and gals who are serving in combat zones, who have to kind of shut off their limbic system in their brain in order to fulfill the mission, in order to take care of the people around them, and you do that as a lifestyle for years or decades, right.

00:28:25.722 --> 00:28:38.839
Of course, at the end of that period of time you're not going to know how you feel or be able to identify your feelings at all, because you've so successfully shut them down.

00:28:38.839 --> 00:28:47.263
You haven't allowed yourself to feel, because feeling is too traumatic, feeling is too scary, and you kind of forget how.

00:28:47.503 --> 00:28:49.448
And that was my case, like when I got out.

00:28:49.448 --> 00:28:57.419
I didn't even have like an exceptionally dangerous military career, but I got very good at shutting down my emotions.

00:28:57.419 --> 00:29:03.189
Whether it's swallowing talking back to somebody and you say yes, sir or yes, ma'am, like that's swallowing feelings.

00:29:03.189 --> 00:29:04.349
Whether you're swallowing talking back to somebody and you say yes, sir or yes, ma'am, like that's swallowing feelings.

00:29:04.349 --> 00:29:18.165
Whether you're swallowing the pain, the physical pain that you feel and running your PFTs and and all the things that you're doing physically to perform as a service member like that's swallowing emotions and you just get really, really, really good at it.

00:29:18.165 --> 00:29:26.496
So, of course, you're going to get to the end of your contract and to me it makes perfect sense that when someone says, hey, what do you think that you should do next, you're like, oh, I don't know.

00:29:26.757 --> 00:29:26.977
Yep.

00:29:27.377 --> 00:29:44.558
Because you've spent a decade shutting down your emotions and I think you know, when we talk about an identity centric transition conversation, feelings have to be part of it and people are very averse to having that conversation because they don't need feelings.

00:29:44.558 --> 00:29:51.038
They've operated just fine without the F word, you know, but that's the freaking point.

00:29:51.038 --> 00:29:59.522
And then, three years later, they're having a mental health crisis understandably so, but they don't know how to cope.

00:29:59.522 --> 00:30:01.027
They don't have the language around it.

00:30:01.027 --> 00:30:11.782
And my, my whole point is what made you successful in the military will not necessarily make you successful in the civilian sector, will make you a successful human.

00:30:11.782 --> 00:30:18.828
Put it that way, because you are a cog in a machine designed to complete a particular mission and bring everybody home.

00:30:18.828 --> 00:30:25.678
That's not a lifestyle that is conducive to the rest of society and we don't talk about that enough.

00:30:25.678 --> 00:30:35.652
So when you talk about, like, how do we make the transition, I think we just got to better educate these kids who are coming into the service.

00:30:35.652 --> 00:30:45.163
We're handing them an identity and a purpose on a silver platter and telling them to go forth and do great things and be successful, but then we don't tell them that.

00:30:45.163 --> 00:30:52.366
Oh, by the way, this is also temporary and, like you still need to be able to articulate your emotions, you still need to be a human.

00:30:53.255 --> 00:30:56.482
You know your military transitions should happen.

00:30:56.482 --> 00:31:01.326
You need to start thinking about it way sooner than 12 months before your EAS.

00:31:01.326 --> 00:31:03.134
Like this is a multi-year process.

00:31:03.134 --> 00:31:06.065
It took multi years for you to become who you are.

00:31:06.065 --> 00:31:09.786
It's going to take multi years to transition out of that as well.

00:31:09.786 --> 00:31:15.385
So it's just level setting those expectations, like, hey, this isn't something you're going to do in 12 months or six months.

00:31:15.385 --> 00:31:23.340
It's going to be a multi-year process, a multi-phase process, and I think it would help people maybe realize that one, they're not alone and they're not crazy.

00:31:23.340 --> 00:31:27.968
This is expected Once you hit your identity crisis.

00:31:27.968 --> 00:31:29.390
Welcome to the club.

00:31:34.694 --> 00:31:35.036
You've arrived.

00:31:35.036 --> 00:32:16.412
Yeah, I don't know about the DOD and for anybody listening who's unfamiliar, at the very least in the Marine Corps we have this call it acronym to talk about these leadership traits, qualities that you need to try to embody or strive for in order to have some degree of success in a leadership position, which in the Marine Corps means all of them, and what that revolves among a few things, is tact and bearing, and in certain times and places there's relevance to that in society, but by specific definition there really isn't a place for it, because the application for tact, like you mentioned in the DOD, is just don't talk back on the prevailing wins.

00:32:16.412 --> 00:32:30.636
I suppose In certain circumstances, especially as you start to get a little more time and service, you get a little bit more play to that where you just got to know who you're talking to and then you can address and push back a little bit.

00:32:30.636 --> 00:32:39.261
You know if they apply their thoughts more logically or more rooted in principle or history, and then it just gets conveyed, as I'm just going to speak your language, even though it's still not authentic to what I want to tell you.

00:32:39.261 --> 00:32:51.317
Well, obviously, in society it's difficult to recognize that when you get out because, like you said, you spend so much time I don't even know what the expression is disillusioned.

00:32:51.317 --> 00:32:59.279
I guess that not only is it difficult to recognize the society you reenter, because time doesn't stop for you.

00:32:59.279 --> 00:33:10.101
You know, we step out of societal reality into our own warfighting reality and then try to slide back in like I've been here the whole time, but it's a totally different place.

00:33:10.101 --> 00:33:23.184
The relationships, the people, the perspectives, the attitudes, the worldview shifts, the global event shift and the perception of those events shift, let alone interpersonal relationships and our abilities to communicate and convey anything we have to.

00:33:23.184 --> 00:33:28.767
And I think, bearing obviously a similar comparison, but rooted in our behaviors and actions.

00:33:29.375 --> 00:33:53.015
Now, saying that each one of us individually has a unique set of qualities that I think informs how we perceive the world generally, implied from our, or applied rather, rather from our let's call it families of creation when we're born, or origin, I suppose families of origin when we're born, and then families of creation, like the Marine Corps, inculcating a few others and maybe some different ones.

00:33:53.015 --> 00:33:59.709
But those qualities, I think, are what ground us and that's what role I see values having.

00:33:59.709 --> 00:34:02.584
It's like, have you ever seen the Disney movie?

00:34:02.584 --> 00:34:06.442
Aladdin, of course, cartoon, or Will Smith either, or.

00:34:06.823 --> 00:34:09.628
But I have nothing in common with the genie.

00:34:09.628 --> 00:34:13.943
No matter how much I thought I did or feel like I should, I don't.

00:34:13.943 --> 00:34:26.400
I have nothing in common with genie, but there's still aspects of his character that resonate with me how he deals with situations, the choices he makes, how he deflects with humor because it's more comfortable, whatever.

00:34:26.400 --> 00:34:48.507
Well, those aspects that resonate with me are the values that Genie has in his character, because I have similar traits, flaws or values, depending on your perspective, and so that is a lot of, I think, what we need to try to convey, because we can't custom tailor every response, in your case as a coach, or, in my space, trying to convey that wisdom towards anybody listening.

00:34:50.076 --> 00:34:52.605
All right, folks, sit tight and we'll be right back on Transacting Value.

00:34:54.255 --> 00:34:57.144
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00:34:57.144 --> 00:35:08.784
Va disability compensation is a monthly tax-free payment to Veterans who got sick or injured in the military and to Veterans whose service worsened an existing condition.

00:35:08.784 --> 00:35:17.663
You may qualify for VA Disability Compensation for physical and mental health conditions that developed or worsened due to service.

00:35:18.514 --> 00:35:19.896
Learn more at va.

00:35:19.896 --> 00:35:35.400
gov/ disability that is a lot of, I think, what we need to try to convey, because we can't custom tailor every response, in your case as a coach, or in my space, trying to convey that wisdom towards anybody listening.

00:35:35.400 --> 00:35:37.686
And so I'm curious.

00:35:37.686 --> 00:35:39.751
This is a segment of the show called Developing.

00:35:39.751 --> 00:35:40.413
Character.

00:35:42.280 --> 00:35:56.943
So for anybody who's new to the show, Talia, you included it's just two questions where I really just want to identify aspects of your value system that maybe anybody else listening to this conversation can also latch on to for the sake of a little bit of resonance.

00:35:56.943 --> 00:36:04.992
And so my first question is as you were growing up, what were some of the values that you were raised around or that you felt you were brought up on?

00:36:05.581 --> 00:36:11.936
It's interesting because all the values are important and it's funny because I actually do a values exercise in my coaching program.

00:36:11.936 --> 00:36:15.784
The values that I was raised with were hard work.

00:36:15.784 --> 00:36:20.873
Both of my parents worked incredibly hard in various capacities.

00:36:20.873 --> 00:36:30.849
I come from Italian immigrants, at least on my mom's side, and you know the value of hard work was just always instilled in me at a very young age.

00:36:30.849 --> 00:36:35.014
I was taught that you had to work very hard for everything that you have.

00:36:35.014 --> 00:36:46.702
So I've always carried that with me the value of honesty, and honesty in that you are the representation of the labels that you wear.

00:36:46.702 --> 00:36:59.126
So you know, being homeschooled, my mom would tell us growing up and this is back in the nineties, when homeschooling wasn't the thing that it is today Like we were worried that CPS was going to be called on us.

00:36:59.126 --> 00:37:09.831
But you know, my mom would tell us she's like you represent homeschooling, you represent all these things, so make sure that your actions reflect accordingly.

00:37:09.831 --> 00:37:18.826
And I think like that was very well meaning, slightly problematic in some ways, which we don't have to get into, but like that was definitely a value that I was raised to have.

00:37:19.688 --> 00:37:23.663
As I grew up and you know, going through the Marine Corps and everything.

00:37:23.663 --> 00:37:28.150
I definitely valued leadership and quality.

00:37:28.150 --> 00:37:38.333
I saw a lot of leaders who didn't reflect quality in their style of leadership, like it was very haphazard, I mean you wouldn't really call it leadership.

00:37:38.333 --> 00:37:43.389
To be honest, it was very selfish, it was very self-serving.

00:37:43.389 --> 00:38:15.472
But I appreciated the quality leaders who had the presence and the intentionality to be where their feet were, because I think we've all worked for those people who you know very intentional leaders, and the quality of their leadership was reflected in everything that they did to include the people that worked for them.

00:38:15.960 --> 00:38:17.505
It just kind of was a ripple effect.

00:38:17.505 --> 00:38:43.460
Once I moved out of the military, I realized, like going through my own identity crisis, self-discovery process, I highly value authenticity, I highly value creativity and I highly value autonomy, which is ironic given that I spent six years in a very rigid, structured, non-autonomous environment I don't know if that's the right word, but no, no autonomy in the Marine Corps.

00:38:43.460 --> 00:39:05.853
So there was a values conflict there that I couldn't even identify until after I started working with my own coaches and realized like huh, this is not synchronous, this is very asynchronous, and no wonder I was so frustrated for so long being in an environment that really stifled my creativity, my ability to be authentic and my autonomy.

00:39:06.514 --> 00:39:09.778
Fair point to be authentic and my autonomy Fair point.

00:39:09.778 --> 00:39:21.586
But sometimes, like maybe you learned on the rifle range or in any particular other environment to identify your target best, you have to focus on where it's not and use the negative space to better shape the positive space.

00:39:22.268 --> 00:39:23.190
Oh, a million percent.

00:39:23.391 --> 00:39:33.961
Yeah, and so it may have been asynchronous, but in my opinion it sounds like without it, you may not have identified as much value in where you sit now, let alone how to convey it 100%.

00:39:34.063 --> 00:39:45.762
And that's the beauty of all life experiences whether they're super positive or super negative, there's always a learning opportunity and we're informed by our experiences right.

00:39:45.762 --> 00:39:51.664
So, like everything is a learning opportunity, everything is a growth opportunity, and a hundred percent.

00:39:51.664 --> 00:40:02.724
I would not be where I am today, with the perspectives that I have today and the belief systems that I have, were it not for my experiences in the military, positive and negative.

00:40:03.266 --> 00:40:05.291
Yeah Well, that's the important aspect to note as well.

00:40:05.291 --> 00:40:13.389
Right, Like we are a amalgamation of all our experiences and all our emotions mistakes, failures, flaws, successes, happy points, low points, whatever.

00:40:13.389 --> 00:40:23.509
The trick is trying to figure out a way to take all that emotional baggage and put it into a little tiny travel kit and then carry that around, so it's useful enough.

00:40:23.509 --> 00:40:28.846
My second question was going to be how have any of your values shifted and changed over time?

00:40:28.846 --> 00:40:36.739
But since we've already addressed that and really sort of for the sake of time, I think this is going to be probably my my second or third to last question.

00:40:36.739 --> 00:40:47.443
But all of those things being said now, of all the clients you've worked with, have any actually stood out to you as I knew exactly where you're at your situation?

00:40:47.443 --> 00:40:52.143
Was me, I was you, or are they all really sort of unique in their own ways?

00:40:52.806 --> 00:40:58.425
I mean, every client is unique in their own way and like their own experience that they bring to the table.

00:40:58.425 --> 00:41:01.492
Even the application of values is different.

00:41:01.492 --> 00:41:31.028
However, of all of them, the one that really sticks out is a former Marine, former bloop, angel pilot, former Stanford grad like works at JP Morgan, like just killing it on paper, absolutely killing it, like far and above anything that I ever did before or after my military career, and he would tell me how numb he felt in his day-to-day life and that I resonate with.

00:41:31.028 --> 00:41:35.094
He would tell me how numb he felt in his day-to-day life and that I resonate with.

00:41:35.094 --> 00:41:45.186
He would tell me how angry he was at little things and he couldn't understand why he had such disproportionate anger for seemingly small stressors in his personal life and in his work life, and that I understood.

00:41:45.186 --> 00:41:55.472
I understood what he meant when he said he felt functionally depressed, like he had this job that paid him half a million dollars a year and he felt completely dead inside.

00:41:55.472 --> 00:42:03.447
That I understood and it just really stood out to me, because I've coached people who make 80 grand a year and people who make half a million dollars a year.

00:42:03.447 --> 00:42:05.873
The identity crisis is the same.

00:42:05.873 --> 00:42:15.833
It looks the same pretty much for every single person, and that is the universal underpinning of the whole process that we go through.

00:42:16.059 --> 00:42:18.869
So I worked with him on his values.

00:42:18.869 --> 00:42:22.451
Ironically, one of his top values was also authenticity.

00:42:22.451 --> 00:42:41.592
And yet he kept putting himself subconsciously in all of these situations where he had to be fake, where he had to schmooze people, where he had to say things that he didn't believe, where he had to advocate for programs and processes that he knew were garbage, and every time he did it it killed a little bit of his soul.

00:42:41.592 --> 00:42:51.362
We call it a values violation, and I asked him at one point in our coaching relationship I said how much of your life do you spend in a values violation?

00:42:51.362 --> 00:42:53.865
And he was like, dude, it's 90%.

00:42:54.166 --> 00:43:04.541
I didn't realize how much of my life I spent being inauthentic to accommodate other people and I was like well, no wonder you feel numb and angry and all the things.

00:43:04.541 --> 00:43:06.884
Like you're, you're not being true to who you are.

00:43:06.884 --> 00:43:08.586
So what does that look like?

00:43:08.586 --> 00:43:10.849
And that was a whole other can of worms that we had to explore.

00:43:10.849 --> 00:43:26.128
So he stands out to me because he was willing to do the hard work and he was willing to make a massive pivot in his life and face the fear and let go of a lot of fear of losing his reputation.

00:43:26.128 --> 00:43:27.510
But you know what?

00:43:27.510 --> 00:43:28.652
He's a lot happier now.

00:43:29.313 --> 00:43:34.271
A bit and he doesn't wear his accolades like armor, the way that a lot of us were taught to.

00:43:35.501 --> 00:43:36.141
That is huge.

00:43:36.141 --> 00:43:45.184
And also, just for the sake of clarity, I don't think that it's specific or exclusive to the DoD service members, veterans.

00:43:45.184 --> 00:44:10.653
I do think it is pretty consistent across extended exposure to occupationally high stress environments and so, from teachers to lawyers to cops to EMTs, firefighters, veterans, single moms in some cases, I think this type of misaligned contribution to burnout is prevalent in all of those.

00:44:10.653 --> 00:44:12.255
It's not just the DOD.

00:44:12.255 --> 00:44:14.605
So there's definite applications.

00:44:14.605 --> 00:44:26.264
I mean, you mentioned he was a pilot, I think you said in his case but there's definite applications to what you're doing and how you're conveying it and the topics you're bringing up.

00:44:26.264 --> 00:44:36.692
That I think are way farther reaching than the DOD and probably in most cases, way further reaching than US borders, because it's global.

00:44:36.751 --> 00:44:42.070
It's a human condition, especially to be, you know, nose blind to your own smell, I think is the expression.

00:44:42.070 --> 00:44:44.306
So it's just how it goes, you know.

00:44:44.306 --> 00:44:47.114
That's why it takes a village to raise kids.

00:44:47.114 --> 00:44:49.577
We're really just older kids, you know, we haven't changed anything.

00:44:49.577 --> 00:44:51.182
And so if you're growing up, takes a village to raise kids we're really just older kids, you know, we haven't changed anything.

00:44:51.182 --> 00:45:00.711
And so if you're growing up without a village, you find a coach and then you make one, you know, and I think there's a lot of well, a lot of value in what you're doing.

00:45:00.711 --> 00:45:03.364
Now let me ask you this real quick Actually, I'm tight on time.

00:45:03.364 --> 00:45:10.155
I don't want to close out until I ask you, of all of these experiences, what has it actually done for you and your own self-worth?

00:45:11.581 --> 00:45:25.873
You know it's funny because six months prior to quitting my consulting job, I wrote out on a piece of paper, in two columns, what I want, semicolon what if I dot, dot, dot?

00:45:26.414 --> 00:45:48.634
And it was one of the first times in my life that, without qualifying what I wrote or judging it or asking myself if it was realistic, I just let myself write, and one of the things that I wrote was I want to make an impact, I want to feel fulfilled, and the sense of fulfillment that I get watching someone in real time have a massive breakthrough.

00:45:49.302 --> 00:45:53.949
And it's not me doing it Like I'm holding up the mirror, I'm asking the questions, but it's their process.

00:45:53.949 --> 00:46:03.675
They're setting themselves free, but once they have that shift, there's like this light that comes on in their eye and like they start taking a whole different path.

00:46:03.675 --> 00:46:09.090
You can see that whole new trajectory and to know that you played a very small part in that process.

00:46:09.090 --> 00:46:32.588
If I could bottle that feeling for everyone, I'd be richer than Jeff Bezos like that sense of fulfillment, nothing can touch it, and so to be a part of that, to actually have purpose in that I don't have words to describe what that does and I've never found anything that can touch that feeling, even if you're working in other ways and being of service to other people.

00:46:32.588 --> 00:46:34.954
That, for me, has just been the best part.

00:46:36.282 --> 00:46:37.065
All right, fair enough.

00:46:37.065 --> 00:46:52.829
Well, to complement that, in case you ever come across anybody where this may apply, I think any service industry position you're going to be able to see something like that where people have an opportunity to instigate that degree of growth or self-worth in other people.

00:46:52.829 --> 00:47:28.978
You know, in my case, like my day job, I'm a licensed Florida realtor and so I can do that with clients and see them come around to the material aspects of negotiations and transactions, but also when they get their keys, or when they're able to move, or when they're able to move on in some cases, and I know exactly what you're describing and, again, I don't know the vocabulary either, but it is a powerful thing, Talia, for anybody who wants to reach out to you, either to be a client, to listen to your podcast, just to follow along with you, find out more about you.

00:47:28.978 --> 00:47:31.806
Whatever applies, where do you recommend people go?

00:47:31.806 --> 00:47:32.907
Where do you want them to go?

00:47:33.530 --> 00:47:34.672
Yeah, absolutely so.

00:47:34.672 --> 00:47:36.523
I'm very active on LinkedIn.

00:47:36.523 --> 00:47:39.990
Like I said, I post content four to five days a week.

00:47:39.990 --> 00:47:53.445
So you can find me at Talia Bastien B-A-S-T-I-E-N in parentheses, Rhea R-H-E-A, and that LinkedIn page has links to my website, my podcast, my coaching program.

00:47:53.445 --> 00:47:59.688
You can find everything you want to know about me there, or you can check out my website, www.

00:47:59.688 --> 00:47:59.688
taliarhea.

00:47:59.688 --> 00:47:59.688
com.

00:48:00.449 --> 00:48:00.650
Easy.

00:48:00.650 --> 00:48:06.885
So for anybody who's new to this show, depending on the player you're streaming our conversation on, you can click see more.

00:48:06.885 --> 00:48:17.632
You can click show more and then in the description that drops down, that's where you'll find links as well to get to all of Talia's information her website and obviously her social, so you guys can reach out to her there as well.

00:48:17.632 --> 00:48:20.045
If that's easier for you to find her, feel free.

00:48:20.045 --> 00:48:40.867
Talia, I appreciate the opportunity, the conversation, the insight, the degree of authenticity and just openness that you were willing to talk about and have, and I'm actually a little surprised that what you were saying is exactly what was going through my head, but I didn't know how to say it.

00:48:40.867 --> 00:48:46.228
So I appreciate you standing up and standing in front to convey a lot of that publicly.

00:48:46.228 --> 00:48:47.632
But ultimately, thanks for your time.

00:48:48.219 --> 00:48:48.641
Thank you, Josh.

00:48:48.641 --> 00:48:52.121
I really appreciate the platform and just the opportunity to get the message out there.

00:48:52.661 --> 00:48:57.632
Yeah, absolutely Absolutely, and I'm sure there's plenty more opportunities coming your way.

00:48:57.632 --> 00:49:03.561
As it applies to marketing, obviously it's, you know, frequency or distribution and somewhere between the two.

00:49:03.561 --> 00:49:09.960
I think you're going to find plenty of outlets because it's more popular than maybe our listeners might realize as far as topics go.

00:49:09.960 --> 00:49:16.364
But saying that to all of our listeners and everybody that's tuned into the conversation, thank you guys for listening to our show.

00:49:16.364 --> 00:49:21.105
If you guys want to get involved or just listen to more of our other conversations, you can go to our website, transactingvaluepodcast.

00:49:21.105 --> 00:49:26.507
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00:49:26.507 --> 00:49:32.028
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00:49:32.028 --> 00:49:39.322
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00:49:39.322 --> 00:49:41.489
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00:49:41.489 --> 00:49:44.487
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00:49:45.009 --> 00:49:51.547
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00:49:51.547 --> 00:49:53.210
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00:49:53.210 --> 00:49:57.456
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00:49:57.456 --> 00:50:05.027
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00:50:05.027 --> 00:50:07.659
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00:50:07.659 --> 00:50:09.768
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00:50:10.561 --> 00:50:18.393
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00:50:18.393 --> 00:50:23.443
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00:50:23.443 --> 00:50:27.586
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00:50:27.586 --> 00:50:28.688
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00:50:28.688 --> 00:50:37.237
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00:50:37.237 --> 00:50:55.922
On behalf of our team and our global ambassadors, as you all strive to establish clarity and purpose, ensure social tranquility and secure the blessings of liberty or individual sovereignty of character for yourselves and your posterity, we will continue instigating self-worth and we'll meet you there.

00:50:55.922 --> 00:50:57.586
Until next time.

00:50:57.586 --> 00:50:59.411
That was Transacting Value.