Healing Emotional Wounds and Rediscovering Self-Worth with Nicole Harmony

Transcript

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The views expressed in this podcast are solely those of the podcast host and guest and do not necessarily represent those of our distribution partners, supporting business relationships or supported audience.

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Welcome to Transacting Value, where we talk about practical applications for instigating self-worth when dealing with each other and even within ourselves, where we foster a podcast listening experience that lets you hear the power of a value system for managing burnout, establishing boundaries, fostering community and finding identity.

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My name is Josh Porthouse, I'm your host and we are redefining sovereignty of character.

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This is why values still hold value.

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This is Transacting Value.

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First of all, you have it within yourself to heal yourself.

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Everybody's like oh, I'm a healer, I'm a healer.

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No, I will never heal you.

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That is not my job.

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My job is to create and hold space for you to heal yourself, because you have it within you.

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Today on Transacting Value.

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How do you know your own self-worth when maybe you're emotionally unavailable?

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More importantly, how can you effectively communicate it, gain awareness and develop it to the betterment of yourself, your family, your friends and all your other relationships?

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Today on the show, we're talking with holistic practitioner Nicole Harmony all about her insights, her advice and her recommendations on how to do it.

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I'm Josh Porthouse, I'm your host and from SDYT Media.

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This is Transacting Value, nicole.

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How are you doing?

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I am absolutely fabulous today.

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Josh, thank you for asking.

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How are you?

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I'm good, I'm good, you know, for asking how are you?

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I'm good, I'm good.

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You know I don't get many people asking me that I start with a greeting and then we roll into the intro and things tend to go the same format every time.

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But I think you're one of single digits that have been on the show so far that actually asked me in return.

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Wow, wow, that's interesting.

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Yeah, no, it's a reciprocation, right the way that life is supposed to be.

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Well, that's just it, isn't it?

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That's not the way that it is, though I think oftentimes, you know, we start to get into this routine or this rhythm, how we want to be perceived or how we tend to act, or whatever that pattern of behavior happens to be, and then it just sticks.

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Even though we're not trying to be rude, it just is.

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For example, before I get to talking about me being emotionally unavailable, let's talk about how you got into identifying emotional unavailability as a primary focus to get you started.

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So how about in the next couple minutes?

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We just set the stage first.

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Who are you, where are you from If you could, I guess, summarize that and what sort of things are shaping your perspective on the world as it applies to all these things?

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So, yeah, that's a loaded question as to where I'm from.

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Question as to where I'm from, I so originally I'm from Texas, which is where I currently am recording this.

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I spent majority of my life in Florida, st Pete specifically, that is.

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If I'm going to call home, that is what I call home.

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But recently I have called home in Asia Southeast Asia, thailand specifically and I plan to go back there in April.

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So you know what, when people ask me where home is, home is where my heart is and home is inside of here.

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It doesn't have anything to do with where I hang my hat.

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It's, you know, it's within me, and so I've started to identify with that more as people continue to ask me where are you from?

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So that's it for in a nutshell for me, for where I'm from.

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I know that's probably longer than two minutes, but to answer your other questions, how I came upon the emotional unavailability that is definitely a deep question.

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My dad was emotionally unavailable to me and I didn't have recognition of this until probably my late 30s, early 40s, and I'm 51 years old, so it was very much late in life.

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You're 51?

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Yeah, I'm 51.

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Oh good genes, I guess for you.

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Thank you.

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I think actually getting rid of the emotional baggage helps to reverse the aging.

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Getting rid of the junk that you're holding on to helps to reverse the aging.

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When I look at a before and after picture of me, back when I was still very much in the dark about what had happened to me as a child and the abuse that I have experienced within relationships, both professional and sorry my car accident concussion sometimes gives me a little bit of brain freeze but romantic, romantic, intimate and professional relationships, you know you can experience emotional abuse.

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You know, through all of them.

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And it wasn't until probably 2012 is when I started.

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No, 2010 was when I really started to dive deep into the emotions.

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And when I look back at pictures of myself before 2010, and even actually after that, you can see the age reversal that I have experienced in the last few years when I really started doing the deep dive, the work, the work with the psychedelics you know, the ayahuasca, the psilocybin and then also doing the emotional healing on myself through the support of others who mentors and just you know me, myself and I as well and then finding the work that I actually facilitate as practitioners, as holistic practitioners, people who create and hold space for others.

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When we hold space for somebody else to heal, we inevitably heal a portion of ourselves as well, and so when we are creating that space, we're healing those parts of us too.

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So the healing happens every single day.

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So, yeah, of us too, so the healing happens every single day.

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So, yeah, I mean, reversing of the age is kind of inevitable when you start doing the deep work on yourself.

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But anyway, I just sidetracked a little bit.

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But my dad was emotionally unavailable.

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I didn't realize it until I started reading books on just different daughter wins, you know with the father wins, and I recognized all of these points of references that these authors were making and I was like, wow, that's me.

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And so I reached out to my sisters, and my sisters have kind of a different point of view and perspective on my dad's only flesh and blood.

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My two sisters were adopted by him and so they look at him as their savior.

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But I had to kind of take a really hard look and be like, yeah, I mean, he's an amazing person, he's an amazing provider.

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He just doesn't know how to be emotionally available for the women in his life.

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I have two sisters, my mom, we didn't have any brothers, there were no other men in the family, and he just didn't know how to because he wasn't taught how to and his grandpa you know his grandfather wasn't taught how to, and so it was a generational trauma and curse that kind of trickled down to me, and then I became the breaker of the chain, right which there's a lot of us in this lifetime right now, and so I started doing a lot of work.

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It was dark a lot of the time, and every single relationship that I've had with a man was a reflection back to the relationship with my father, and in good and in bad ways.

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And so I really had to start, you know, kind of taking a look, and thank God my dad is still with us, and at that time he did still have his faculties.

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He has since become, you know, extremely mild cognitive impairment within the brain, and so I was able to have a couple of really good years of having, you know, deep introspective conversations, and I actually received the validation and the apology that that younger version of me was really needing in order to push past it.

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And now we have cultivated this beautiful relationship and I'm able to be honest with him and say openly you know how I felt as a child and again receive that validation.

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You know being able to be feel, seen and heard was monumental for those younger versions to be integrated back into to my soul.

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So yeah, did I answer your question?

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I'm not sure.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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So there's.

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There's a lot of things, I think, that everybody brings in as they grow through life, unwittingly so, like in your case.

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What was it, then, that triggered you?

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Instead of looking in, I got to look back, or instead of looking forward, I got to reflect.

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What was the trigger?

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The failed relationships, I was the common denominator.

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Oh, interesting yeah,

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I mean when you go into your relationships and you give it all you got, it still fails.

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You have to start taking a hard look at yourself and what you're bringing in.

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What traumas and distortions are you bringing into the relationships?

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What challenges are being shown to you?

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I mean the Latin have this beautiful explanation and definition of what a relationship is and it's where the soul goes to heal.

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People feel like they get into a relationship and it's going to be all rainbows and unicorns, but your intimate relationship is going to push you and reflect back to you and show the dark spots that need to have the light shown on in order for it to heal, that need to have the light shown on in order for it to heal.

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And if you do not have the framework and the skill set in order to move past and shift through it and the support, then the relationship is going to fail because the younger version is going to want to sabotage and it's going to want to run because it doesn't want to face those shadows.

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All right, folks sit tight.

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We going to show up on your newsfeed, but they're things I can do.

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So change something today.

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It's not going to change the entire world, but it's going to change your world.

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Change is in you, From PassItOncom.

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The younger version is going to want to sabotage and it's going to want to run, because it doesn't want to face those shadows.

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Okay, all right, so that makes a lot more sense now.

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See, because I saw a little bit about you before we got to record and I kept seeing inner child, inner child, inner child.

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I kept seeing inner child, inner child, inner child, and to me that meant more whimsical or more sensitive or maybe less resilient or less flexible, right, but now basing some degree of behavior off of that kind of cognition, I think changes everything.

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Yeah, because, yeah, I guess it is sort of a self-sabotage, but then how do you identify some sort of a group or some sort of a family system in any kind of relationship where you start to feel comfortable without accepting how things were, because then you have to reinvent, right?

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I'm going to need a little bit more clarity.

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I'm not following and that could be my concussion.

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No, no, no.

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So what I mean is, if you have to let go of whatever was, then you have to reinvent to a new version your thought process, your behaviors, your relationship, conversations, biases, whatever.

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So how do you?

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find a new comfort system then.

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So how do you find a new comfort system then, as you're starting over, but as an adult?

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Right, Absolutely.

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Yeah, you just, you know, I want to say you kind of just have to throw spaghetti at a wall and just see.

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You have to really kind of check in with your body and see what is dysregulating your nervous system.

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You know the emotions.

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Do you have the skills set in order to regulate your emotions?

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So I grew up in a household where my mom was extremely affectionate but my dad was emotionally unavailable.

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So I have since seeked out women that are very loving and, you know, huggy and cuddly, but the men have been emotionally unavailable to me.

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Because that's where my nervous system felt normal, felt comfortable.

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Because the ages of zero and eight years old, your beliefs are created, your belief systems are created.

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And if your baseline is emotional unavailable, men are safe to you, then when you go out into the world as an adult and you start to date and a man is overly supportive, then that's not going to necessarily bring you peace because it's going to dysregulate the nervous system, the baseline Again, it feels safe when they are not available to you.

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So you're going to create scenarios to make them emotionally unavailable.

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That creates the friction in the relationship because the man may want to be available to you but you're trying to change that.

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You're trying to change him into something that was your baseline, was your safety, and until you actually have recognition of this and you have shifted and integrated these parts, that's part of the work that I do.

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You integrate these parts so they're not out there sabotaging, they're not out there trying to make the decision and create the scenarios to get you back to your baseline of having emotionally unavailable men in your life.

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Does that resonate?

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Well, a little so when it comes to, for example, emotionally unavailable men and generational traumas.

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That's sort of my MO.

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So everybody that I've talked to at least that I remember talking with throughout my entire life has said why are you so distant?

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Why are you so cold?

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What is it, um, you know about?

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Pick a relationship, uh, that just turns you off about it.

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Why can't you be more affectionate?

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These types of comments, but I feel normal.

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I don't feel like I'm ostracizing people or intentionally distancing anybody, or you know, I'm engaging to the extent I feel appropriate.

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I'm just not emotionally engaged, I'd say 90% of the time.

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But until this conversation I don't think I ever attributed any of that sort of, I guess, loosely behavior to anything generational.

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But as soon as you brought it up, it was Absolutely.

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I had all the hair on my body just stood up when you said that.

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Yeah.

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That's beautiful that you were able to make that awareness and recognition.

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Well, I mean, that's only half of the equation, isn't it?

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I mean, what do you do with that kind of insight?

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What do you do with that kind of insight?

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If you're a client and I was I would start asking a series of questions.

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You know where, when was it, who was it that was emotionally unavailable to you?

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And then you know again, with the dialogue, figuring out when that first time that you felt like you didn't have the affection from that primary caregiver that you wanted to receive what need went unmet, at what age.

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And then we start to practice the memory integration technique, which is a series of questions, a sensory exercise, you meeting that younger version of yourself, going in and champion as the adult, breaking the contract of keeping you safe, because that's essentially what he is doing right now.

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Is he's keeping you safe from emotional connection?

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Because that's not, he's not used to that right, because he experienced non-emotional connection, emotional unavailability.

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That's where he feels safe.

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Like you said, this is all that I can give, because this is all that I was taught.

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The expansion isn't there, mm.

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Okay.

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Does this always have to happen with this process, with a coach, with a winning second party, or can support of another, of an emotional healer?

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Like.

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That's kind of how I found this work in the first place was in 2010.

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I worked with an emotional healer.

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She uncovered a memory that I had suppressed.

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I didn't even know it was there and it wasn't sexual abuse or anything like that.

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But I carried that belief of I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy of love, I'm not safe for 30 years or something like that.

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It was when I was eight years old.

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So I uncovered it when I was 35, 27 years later and it was stapled to every single relationship, every connection, every life decision that I made for the next 27 years.

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So for me personally, I feel like when it is the darkest of the spots, that it's almost like a blind spot and sometimes we can't see it without somebody else a skilled professional to help you see that and have the skillset.

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Now, as I am right now, I have the skill set and I have the support out there.

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But I also have the skill set myself that I can do, you know, emotional releases and things like that on my own.

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But I would say that the average person walking around on the street without some sort of deep work or introspective experience cannot process something like that.

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It's not just going to dissolve on its own because it's deeply rooted.

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It's almost like a weed that has grown such huge roots.

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A rainstorm is not going to come and wipe it away.

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Wash it away.

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Does that resonate?

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Yeah, yeah.

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Do you think maybe it's cultural and not just generational?

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Oh, definitely.

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I mean, that's gotten worse, yeah.

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Yeah.

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Because it gets reinforced and repeated.

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I mean inculcated, I think, is a better word.

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Yeah, absolutely my dad.

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He is a pastor's son.

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His dad or I think it was his grandfather was part of the church as well and so this was, but he wasn't.

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My dad wasn't, this was, but he wasn't.

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My dad wasn't, but he just wasn't.

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He gave to his church and not to his family.

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And even when I have the conversation with my dad, he still defends my grandfather and I have to tell him it was not okay for you to not feel, for you not to have a voice.

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I mean, I've had to do a little bit of work with my dad, just helping him integrate, you know, parts, those younger parts of himself, just to kind of give him a better life.

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You know, because the anxiety and the depression can be overwhelming, you know, when these parts are just out walking around.

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And to answer your question, to go back to, yeah, it's not just generational, it's definitely a cultural thing.

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And if you look at different cultures outside of, like the westernized cultures, I mean it can be even worse, you know.

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And the ones where they are, you know, the little boys are brought up to be men right away and they're not even allowed to have a childhood.

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You know, I would be interested to see these different cultures and how they are reacting and what level of anxiety and depression that they're experiencing, because they're still humans, even though they haven't been in the Westernized culture, they're still humans.

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Has anybody asked them?

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You know what they were experiencing not being able to have a childhood and having to start working in the rice field to the age of eight years old.

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All right folks sit tight and we'll be right.

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Folks sit tight, we'll be right back on Transacting Value.

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Join us for Transacting Value, where we discuss practical applications of personal values, every Monday at 9 am on our website, transactingvaluepodcastcom.

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Has anybody asked them?

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You know what they were experiencing not being able to have a childhood and having to start working in the rice fields at the age of eight years old.

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Okay, well, let me try a different perspective then.

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So by rice fields I assume you mean more eastern hemisphere type cultures or rooted yeah, sort of agrarian type cultures.

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Right zero to eight years old, you just have to work because you got to survive right.

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So it's right, it is what it is.

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But so a childhood in that regard maybe just qualifies differently when the bias or the baseline is a westernized sort of more I don't know traditionally playful childhood uh where you have the luxury to be able to not worry about survival as often or at all.

00:22:54.327 --> 00:23:37.498
Yeah, but how do you think that stacks up to if we use a baseline and I'm not a psychiatrist, I'm not even a neurosurgeon but how do you think that stacks up against the sort of prevailing standard that, if your frontal lobe isn't really even fully developed until your mid-20s, that the majority of individuals that join first responder occupations in the Western Hemisphere, service members in the Department of Defense in the Western Hemisphere, albeit 17, 18 years old, are still learning how to embrace the world, find their place emotionally, respond to triggers, but conditioned to respond from a distanced, more ostracized position.

00:23:37.498 --> 00:23:41.087
Is it going?

00:23:41.107 --> 00:23:41.588
to be the same result.

00:23:41.588 --> 00:23:45.739
Are you talking about the two different cultures being within the military?

00:23:45.739 --> 00:23:49.432
I'm talking about two different age groups, two different age groups.

00:23:49.452 --> 00:23:58.634
So you're saying zero to eight not having a childhood, but theoretically 17, 18 years old is still young enough to not need to care in a Western hemisphere.

00:23:58.634 --> 00:24:09.938
So in a parallel concept, right, is there still the same degree of emotional detachment or unavailability then from adults that are experiencing this at 17 to 18 compared?

00:24:09.938 --> 00:24:11.705
To adults that are experiencing it zero to eight.

00:24:12.885 --> 00:24:14.046
Yeah, absolutely.

00:24:14.046 --> 00:24:30.333
I mean, you know, the zero to eight years old, that's just the, that's the baseline that the psychiatry, whatever neuroscience, um, uh, groupings, whatever, the, the division of created.

00:24:30.333 --> 00:25:00.227
So again, I don't like to speak in absolutes, but when you so, if you have the Eastern hemisphere, the zero to eight years old, and you don't have the childhood, and then you go into the military and the frontal lobe hasn point, so just going towards the military, let's just break that down for just a second.

00:25:00.227 --> 00:25:26.117
Again, the concussion is a little bit throwing me for a loop right now, but when you are 17 to 18 years old, I actually have a client that experienced severe trauma in the first years of the military as a man, and the distortions that he experienced in the military were very similar to things that he experienced in his childhood, and so I was able to help him connect the dots.

00:25:27.205 --> 00:25:52.575
When we have that baseline of zero eight years old, the brain will inevitably try to recreate scenarios to go back to that baseline and that that could be abuse, and so it's going to seek out scenarios, if you believe in this type of thing where we co create our reality, right, and thoughts become thoughts become things.

00:25:52.575 --> 00:26:17.785
And so if you are in a position and I know a lot of people are not going to agree with us but if you are in a position and I know a lot of people are not going to agree with this but if you are in a position where you're experiencing sexual or physical abuse, then I would bet the house, bet the farm on it, that you may have experienced sexual or physical abuse in your childhood.

00:26:17.785 --> 00:26:23.585
Okay, the farm on it that you may have experienced sexual and physical abuse in your childhood.

00:26:23.585 --> 00:26:36.333
Okay, well, gaining exposure, gaining experiences and just growing up, I think helps right, because then you start to learn other ways to perceive different events and other applications of whatever you just perceived, right?

00:26:36.333 --> 00:26:46.417
So what role do you think travel has on healing any of that or increasing a self-awareness around any of those traumas?

00:26:48.190 --> 00:26:53.544
that's a beautiful question because the travel, for me, has really healed a lot of my soul.

00:26:53.544 --> 00:27:18.642
Just being able to zoom out from the Western culture for me personally has been monumental, especially being over there during the election, this past election, and being able to witness what was going on within society that when you're here you're so indoctrinated and ingrained into it.

00:27:18.642 --> 00:27:51.125
But when you can zoom out and heal those parts of again the indoctrination that we are experiencing in the healthcare system, for example, being over there and being able to receive healthcare that would have possibly put you into bankruptcy in the United States, it's just a part of healing yourself being able to know that you don't have to follow every single other person.

00:27:51.125 --> 00:27:54.675
You have it within yourself to make your own decisions.

00:27:54.675 --> 00:27:56.317
You have it within yourself.

00:27:56.317 --> 00:27:58.874
Well, first of all, you have it within yourself to heal yourself.

00:27:59.484 --> 00:28:01.532
Everybody's like oh, I'm a healer, I'm a healer.

00:28:01.532 --> 00:28:04.674
No, I will never heal you.

00:28:04.674 --> 00:28:05.990
That is not my job.

00:28:05.990 --> 00:28:10.576
My job is to create and hold space for you to heal yourself, because you have it within you.

00:28:10.576 --> 00:28:12.988
I did five ayahuasca ceremonies.

00:28:12.988 --> 00:28:20.099
On my last ceremony last year, I told myself I do not need to do this anymore because I have it within me.

00:28:21.924 --> 00:29:08.803
The medicine is within me and I know that that kind of gets off the track of your question, but being able to travel and rediscover myself without the pitfalls and the, I just feel like as I'm sitting here trying to think, just the noise, the heaviness that we experience in the westernized culture Needing to be something, needing to be better than the next person, always having to be a human doing, not a human being, having to be a human, doing, not a human being and that is something that I learned how to do whenever I left the United States and was able to be when I was in Thailand.

00:29:08.803 --> 00:29:17.828
I remember it was my last time to be in the water because I got a cut on my foot and you can't go into the water when you have a cut on your foot because of the flesh.

00:29:17.828 --> 00:29:18.630
You need bacteria.

00:29:18.630 --> 00:29:31.417
So I was laying in the water and the salinity levels were so high in this water that you don't even have to, you don't even have to try to float, you just float effortlessly.

00:29:31.417 --> 00:29:46.865
And I was looking up at the beautiful blue sky against these green jungle, covered mountains with palm trees, and I was just like I don't have to do anything other than just float here in the water and I'm okay and it's not.

00:29:47.547 --> 00:29:52.556
I'm not, not, I'm not doing anything wrong by being here, but in the U?

00:29:52.556 --> 00:29:59.953
S or even Canada you know the UK, these other westernized cultures you would be looked at as lazy.

00:29:59.953 --> 00:30:02.218
You would be looked at as unmotivated.

00:30:02.218 --> 00:30:03.840
But over there it's different.

00:30:03.840 --> 00:30:05.863
Hmm.

00:30:06.948 --> 00:30:08.291
Is that why you chose to go over there?

00:30:09.394 --> 00:30:09.556
Yeah.

00:30:09.684 --> 00:30:11.871
Just for 180 degrees different exposure.

00:30:12.993 --> 00:30:31.297
Yeah, yep, because I did it for six months in Mexico and so that was kind of my real breakaway, not backpacking, I did that in Europe, but breakaway right after COVID and just live someplace else in another culture.

00:30:31.297 --> 00:30:32.886
And I was in kind of Mexico light.

00:30:32.886 --> 00:30:33.989
So I don't really count that.

00:30:33.989 --> 00:30:43.398
But I had this block of time and I'd always been fascinated with the Asian culture and just the beauty of Asia, southeast Asia, specifically.

00:30:43.398 --> 00:30:48.957
Bali, you know, was everybody's like I want to go to Bali, the secret of Bali, the love of Bali.

00:30:48.957 --> 00:30:56.929
He's like I want to go to Bali, the secret of Bali, the love of Bali, the whole yoga and meditation.

00:30:56.929 --> 00:30:59.010
And I got over there and I was like I do not see it.

00:30:59.010 --> 00:31:08.740
I see tourism, I see charlatans that are parading around as influencers that are trying to quote, unquote, heal people, and it was a huge turnoff.

00:31:08.740 --> 00:31:14.231
And so I went to Thailand and I found what I needed in Thailand and that's the reason I'm going back.

00:31:14.231 --> 00:31:24.618
I, you know, I've been back here for 10 days, 11 days now, and I'm like already booking my ticket back Cause I just, I just can't.

00:31:24.638 --> 00:31:39.580
I especially after being in this car accident I see how broken the medical system is and how much red tape we have had to go through, even though we have an attorney working for us.

00:31:39.580 --> 00:31:44.557
Just the red tape that we have to go through in order to get any kind of treatment.

00:31:44.557 --> 00:31:46.289
I'm like what is going on?

00:31:46.289 --> 00:31:53.404
We were injured four days ago going.

00:31:53.404 --> 00:31:53.865
What is going on?

00:31:53.865 --> 00:31:54.729
We were injured four days ago.

00:31:54.729 --> 00:31:58.238
Why are we having to walk around in pain just so you guys can get your ducks in a row and the red tape cleared?

00:31:58.238 --> 00:31:59.099
It's just crazy.

00:31:59.099 --> 00:32:05.738
And there you can go to a state of the art hospital, receive treatment right then and there.

00:32:05.738 --> 00:32:09.351
And it is a fraction of a cost over here.

00:32:09.351 --> 00:32:14.619
And then again the simple life over there, the cost of living.

00:32:14.619 --> 00:32:19.236
The doctors over there are not elite, they're just doctors.

00:32:19.236 --> 00:32:24.998
They have just studied the medical system, but they're not the elite of the country.

00:32:24.998 --> 00:32:30.778
They don't live in the million-dollar mansions and drive the fancy cars and go on the fancy trips.

00:32:31.305 --> 00:32:38.007
That's the westernized culture over here, all right, folks sit tight, We'll be right back on Transacting Value.

00:32:39.471 --> 00:32:42.178
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00:32:42.178 --> 00:32:48.933
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00:32:48.933 --> 00:32:52.700
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00:33:10.486 --> 00:33:14.176
The doctors over there are not elite, they're just doctors.

00:33:14.176 --> 00:33:19.996
They have just studied the medical system, but they're not the elite of the country.

00:33:19.996 --> 00:33:25.756
They don't live in the million dollar mansions and drive the fancy cars and go on the fancy trips.

00:33:25.756 --> 00:33:28.409
That's the westernized culture over here.

00:33:28.409 --> 00:33:29.932
It's just crazy.

00:33:29.932 --> 00:33:31.476
It's very backwards.

00:33:31.596 --> 00:33:46.689
So yeah, Well, so we don't necessarily have any doctors when it comes to holistic healthcare, right, Obviously there's plenty of people that are licensed MDs and RNs and have all these certification things.

00:33:46.709 --> 00:33:48.570
I know RNs and have all these certifications and things.

00:33:48.570 --> 00:34:02.501
But to say holistic healthcare, I think implies a certain degree of integrity in the foundation, where it's wholesome, not specialized in most.

00:34:02.501 --> 00:34:07.938
So how do you view that?

00:34:07.938 --> 00:34:09.547
Maybe detriment, maybe detriment?

00:34:09.547 --> 00:34:30.052
How do you view that qualifier here in westernized culture where, if you apply it to, like I said earlier, service members, first responders or any type of psychographic here, if we can't find that kind of care because it's not covered by insurance or because it's not something that exists wherever we're at, what then are some options to work through those kinds of things?

00:34:30.072 --> 00:34:32.179
wherever we're at.

00:34:32.179 --> 00:34:34.065
What, then, are some options to work through those kinds of things?

00:34:34.065 --> 00:34:38.208
I mean, we do have the integrative healthcare.

00:34:38.208 --> 00:34:39.331
Obviously, you're going to have to pay out of pocket.

00:34:39.331 --> 00:34:40.715
I mean, I haven't gone to a Western doctor.

00:34:40.715 --> 00:34:45.268
This is the first time that I've had to go to one with the accident in years.

00:34:45.268 --> 00:34:47.992
You have to pay out of pocket.

00:34:47.992 --> 00:35:02.659
The insurance game that was the other thing that I had a problem with the other day is that the insurance game keeps you bounded to the healthcare system.

00:35:02.659 --> 00:35:06.795
Right, the revenue that they have created, the revenue stream that they have created.

00:35:06.795 --> 00:35:13.467
They are putting you into a place of fear, making you think that you need all of this coverage.

00:35:14.130 --> 00:35:25.724
When, if you do everything right with your body you eat healthy, you exercise, you process your emotions, you meditate daily then you're going to be healthy.

00:35:25.724 --> 00:35:26.306
You're not.

00:35:26.306 --> 00:35:31.376
You don't necessarily everybody's like oh no, you have heart disease and that's hereditary.

00:35:31.376 --> 00:35:31.938
Well, guess what?

00:35:31.938 --> 00:35:34.974
My dad had a quadruple bypass surgery five years ago.

00:35:34.974 --> 00:35:42.079
I went in for the heart scan or the calcium score scan a month after his surgery.

00:35:42.079 --> 00:35:43.851
Two months after his surgery, I had zero.

00:35:43.851 --> 00:35:46.773
So don't tell me that it's hereditary.

00:35:46.773 --> 00:35:48.391
Everything is reversible.

00:35:48.391 --> 00:35:52.887
The genetics loads the gun, but the lifestyle pulls the trigger.

00:35:52.887 --> 00:36:07.367
So to answer your question is to figure it out and don't allow a system that is there to put you, that is put into place to put you into fear and to keep you sick, to keep you down.

00:36:07.367 --> 00:36:09.411
Figure it out on your own.

00:36:09.411 --> 00:36:19.545
Start to pull back the curtain on the wizard, start to see beyond the veil, start to think for yourself instead of following what everybody else is doing.

00:36:19.545 --> 00:36:21.550
That's probably going to get me killed.

00:36:22.112 --> 00:36:23.655
Well, red pill, blue pill, you know.

00:36:23.655 --> 00:36:29.626
So, okay, there's, I think, something interesting.

00:36:29.626 --> 00:36:42.996
When you talked about co-creating a reality, which is essentially what you were just describing like taking ownership and accountability over your lifestyle, that, I think, is maybe underrated, or at least understated.

00:36:42.996 --> 00:37:03.920
That degree of ownership when it comes to aspects of masculinity throughout Westernized culture, or even femininity, I mean, it's really the same where each has their own sort of strongholds over what you do and don't discuss in public, I think it becomes sort of our responsibility, right?

00:37:03.920 --> 00:37:17.490
People like us, for example, that are willing to have these kinds of conversations and broadcast them to the public, for example, or putting it into a book, or putting it into a practice and helping other people come to some sort of closure and direction.

00:37:17.490 --> 00:37:30.371
I think that's just the responsibility that you adopted and volunteered to take on, but I think some of those things can be taught in the beginning.

00:37:30.371 --> 00:37:36.215
I mean, you mentioned everything's reversible, which then I think also implies everything could start differently as well.

00:37:36.215 --> 00:37:42.338
Yeah, right, so this is a segment of the show called developing character.

00:37:42.338 --> 00:37:45.289
D D D, developing character.

00:37:46.592 --> 00:37:49.818
And now it's two questions, but here's why.

00:37:49.818 --> 00:38:12.681
And now it's two questions, but here's why I think of all the things that any individual person has in common in the past, growing up in the future, who they become at present, who they are really, the only thing is their character, because you can't control all the other variables that might impact it.

00:38:12.681 --> 00:38:14.806
So I think the qualities that describe and ground our character, those values are.

00:38:14.806 --> 00:38:25.458
If we can start to identify what they are, what they were, what they're becoming, it's a lot easier to have a starting point, a common reference point maybe, to grow from.

00:38:25.458 --> 00:38:29.710
So my two questions are about your value system.

00:38:29.710 --> 00:38:37.280
One when you were growing up, what were some of the values that you were exposed to or that you remember learning as a child?

00:38:37.280 --> 00:38:42.476
My second question is then now, what are some of your values, if they've changed?

00:38:44.266 --> 00:38:51.298
Religion was very strong in my household, especially my dad coming from his religious background as a pastor's son.

00:38:51.298 --> 00:38:57.077
So we went to Sunday school and we went to church on Sunday.

00:38:57.077 --> 00:39:01.717
That was a value that was instilled greatly into us as children.

00:39:01.717 --> 00:39:07.416
Now, when I started to become a teenager, I was working all the time.

00:39:07.416 --> 00:39:09.489
I was working all the time.

00:39:09.489 --> 00:39:10.271
I was working in retail.

00:39:10.271 --> 00:39:18.574
So I slowly became disconnected from the church and then I became fully disconnected from it.

00:39:18.574 --> 00:39:22.467
Whenever I got into my teens and early twenties I moved to New York.

00:39:22.467 --> 00:39:33.981
I tried to go to um, to church there, but it wasn't until probably my 30s that I started seeing religion for what it was.

00:39:33.981 --> 00:39:40.985
And now I really see religion for what it is and I don't agree with it any longer.

00:39:40.985 --> 00:39:48.418
I don't identify with the division that has been created within the religious sectors.

00:39:48.418 --> 00:39:53.277
So that's one value that has dramatically shifted.

00:39:55.346 --> 00:40:06.550
The other values are, you know, just and these are also kind of trauma responses where you know don't make too much noise, be a good little girl.

00:40:06.550 --> 00:40:13.681
Well, that is suppressing what may or may not be comfortable for that little girl.

00:40:13.681 --> 00:40:30.512
I do know that there are some men in my parents' circle that sometimes spoke inappropriate as I look back, but I was always told to be a good little girl and I was also somewhat gaslighted sometimes.

00:40:30.512 --> 00:40:31.461
Oh no, you're crazy.

00:40:31.461 --> 00:40:32.568
They're not thinking that.

00:40:32.568 --> 00:40:34.855
And I'm like guess what If I?

00:40:34.855 --> 00:40:39.809
Now I know I'm like if, and I and I definitely speak my voice now, use my voice.

00:40:39.869 --> 00:40:45.289
Now that you don't get to tell somebody how they feel because that's how they feel.

00:40:45.289 --> 00:40:48.735
So you don't get to say that they don't.

00:40:48.735 --> 00:40:55.632
All you get to say is I'm sorry if I made you feel that way.

00:40:55.632 --> 00:40:56.914
That was not my intention.

00:40:56.914 --> 00:41:02.891
Or if I did make you feel that way, I did not mean to.

00:41:02.891 --> 00:41:04.617
How can I make it better?

00:41:04.617 --> 00:41:07.204
Not, I didn't make you feel that way.

00:41:07.204 --> 00:41:08.206
You're crazy.

00:41:08.206 --> 00:41:10.932
That's like gaslighting 101.

00:41:10.932 --> 00:41:15.871
So that's another value Always be kind to others.

00:41:15.871 --> 00:41:18.652
Again, another trauma response.

00:41:18.652 --> 00:41:24.492
Yes, we should be kind to others, but we should also have boundaries set in place for us.

00:41:24.853 --> 00:41:25.074
Oh, I see.

00:41:25.405 --> 00:41:32.206
Because if we're people pleasing all the time, right, then that's we're pouring from an empty cup and we need to.

00:41:32.206 --> 00:41:34.411
We need to still nurse ourselves.

00:41:34.411 --> 00:41:43.076
So it's interesting how the values that I was given, at face value, they look like every other value that's given to.

00:41:43.076 --> 00:41:47.612
You know, the the American family, right.

00:41:47.612 --> 00:42:06.228
But if you take a step back, you see that if context is not included into the value, how they can be interpreted as being suppressing and again having, you know that trauma attached to it.

00:42:06.228 --> 00:42:08.315
I don't know if that answers your questions or not.

00:42:09.105 --> 00:42:22.007
Well, yeah, and you also brought up an interesting point too, where you mentioned about being kind and then compared it essentially to lacking boundaries, because there's got to be everything sort of in moderation.

00:42:22.007 --> 00:42:42.469
That I guess I hadn't considered before because I sort of always considered kindness with, I don't know, maybe just helping other people or some degree of empathy or sympathy maybe, yeah, yeah, but I never attributed it with boundaries, taking care of yourself first.

00:42:42.469 --> 00:43:01.092
And so then I guess, really, for the sake of time, I only have maybe three other questions, and this next one is based on that fact being kind and boundaries Occupationally again, since we've been talking about it, let's stick with, say, first responders and service members as an industry.

00:43:01.092 --> 00:43:13.773
Occupationally being kind actually directly means self-sacrifice, because it's your industry, that's the whole point of the duty and service you're providing, right, right.

00:43:14.565 --> 00:43:17.172
But so what about the boundaries then, that you can't control?

00:43:17.172 --> 00:43:26.550
Because you have to fill your mission set, you have to fill your occupation, you have to provide a service, and so you don't have the luxury oftentimes to say you know what?

00:43:26.550 --> 00:43:30.034
I need to stop for lunch, I can't take that next patient, or I need to go to the bathroom.

00:43:30.034 --> 00:43:31.686
I can't take that next patient or I need to go to the bathroom.

00:43:31.686 --> 00:43:35.333
I can't go check on that patient right now.

00:43:35.333 --> 00:43:36.534
What, then?

00:43:36.534 --> 00:43:46.628
How do we harmonize, necessarily lacking boundaries and still maintaining being kind as a value system, if that's something we hold pretty close?

00:43:47.791 --> 00:44:02.733
And that's interesting that you say that you know there are so many nurses that suffer from chronic kidney infections because they haven't been able to urinate, they haven't been able to pee for hours, and that's so.

00:44:02.994 --> 00:44:17.972
That's not a that's not a boundary system, that's a broken healthcare system, because you should not have so many patients on your workload that in so little support that you cannot go pee.

00:44:17.972 --> 00:44:33.193
That is the craziest thing I've ever heard in my life Out of all of the people that are involved in healthcare and the amount of billions of dollars, trillions of dollars of revenue that it generates.

00:44:33.193 --> 00:44:47.114
And you can't hire an extra nurse or somebody that is able to allow you the relief so you can sit down and have a meal and you can sit down and go to the bathroom without having to worry about it.

00:44:47.114 --> 00:44:51.653
First of all, the energy exchange comes into play.

00:44:51.653 --> 00:45:05.456
If you have a nurse that is burned out, can't pee, has a chronic kidney infection, goes in and serves her patient, what kind of energy is she going to be giving off to that patient?

00:45:05.456 --> 00:45:08.929
Probably not positive energy, right?

00:45:09.039 --> 00:45:11.369
Because she's got a bunch of gunk inside of her.

00:45:11.369 --> 00:45:19.949
It's just like with the surgeons that stand up for 18 hours or whatever it is and they don't have, and then they make mistakes.

00:45:19.949 --> 00:45:42.284
We should not be sacrificing the patient's well-being and the energy that they're trying to gather to heal their bodies by putting the so-called experts and professionals in there that they're not even able to be healed wholesome, whole people themselves.

00:45:42.284 --> 00:45:47.831
Right, I guess it's a broken system, if anything.

00:45:47.831 --> 00:45:51.885
So it's not a boundaries issue.

00:45:51.885 --> 00:46:02.731
Now, yeah, the boundaries do come in, but are you able to say no, I can't, for fear that you lose your job?

00:46:02.731 --> 00:46:03.751
I mean.

00:46:03.893 --> 00:46:08.447
So again, it's, you can set the boundaries, the system's broken.

00:46:08.447 --> 00:46:15.447
So until we repair the system, then it doesn't matter how many boundaries you have, and that's why a lot of people quit.

00:46:15.447 --> 00:46:22.130
That's why a lot of people left the healthcare system during COVID because of what had occurred.

00:46:22.130 --> 00:46:24.583
I mean, everybody says it was because they didn't want to be vaxxed.

00:46:24.583 --> 00:46:33.972
No, they were burned out and they couldn't even think for themselves and they didn't have any time for themselves anymore.

00:46:33.972 --> 00:46:36.344
That's when they set the boundary.

00:46:36.364 --> 00:46:37.690
Yeah, absolutely.

00:46:37.690 --> 00:46:44.693
And then the toll that it takes on their families, or second, third order sort of ripples as an effect of that Exactly.

00:46:44.693 --> 00:47:10.547
I mean, at the risk of stating the obvious here, I got to ask all of these experiences that you've had, these ceremonies, your travels at this point, all different directions around the world, and then the experiences of working with different clients, and then just your own life, what has all of this actually done to instigate your own self-worth now, in hindsight, compared to who you were?

00:47:10.547 --> 00:47:11.190
that years ago.

00:47:12.693 --> 00:47:18.027
Oh my gosh, I have never been so much in love with myself.

00:47:18.027 --> 00:47:25.384