Embracing Self-Worth and Confidence: Navi Bliss's Journey to Authentic Living

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The views expressed in this podcast are solely those of the podcast host and guest and do not necessarily represent those of our distribution partners, supporting business relationships or supported audience.

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Welcome to Transacting Value, where we talk about practical applications for instigating self-worth when dealing with each other and even within ourselves, when we foster a podcast listening experience that lets you hear the power of a value system for managing burnout, establishing boundaries, fostering community and finding identity.

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My name is Josh Porthouse, I'm your host and we are redefining sovereignty of character.

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This is why values still hold value.

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This is Transacting Value.

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You wanting the things that you want and you needing the things that you need isn't wrong, but you may not be able to get it from that person that you want it.

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Today on Transacting Value.

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What happens every holiday season, aside from creating new memories or spending time with families that you've either created or were born into?

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Most times they're good memories, but sometimes there's resentment and guilt, and sometimes the things that you've spent the entire year trying to distance yourself from get brought back up to the surface by people who say they care about you the most.

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Today's conversation we're talking with Navi Bliss, and she's a love and confidence coach, and she's talking all about how to work your way through aligning different love languages with what happens in reality, to best find your own sense of self-identity and self-awareness, especially during this holiday season.

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So, without further ado, I'm Porter, I'm your host and this is Transacting Value.

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Navi, how are you doing?

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Doing great.

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I'm excited to be here.

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I appreciate you coming on Now.

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I understand you're in where Canada right.

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I'm in Canada, yeah.

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Well, first off, I don't hear an accent.

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Are you from Canada originally?

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I am yeah.

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Oh, okay, but you've traveled, I assume, or something.

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It's not real heavy.

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So the idea of the Canadian accent that people have is a rural Canadian accent, because people from Toronto or from unless you go to, let's say, quebec, because they'll have a French accent, don't really in the bigger cities, don't really have accent.

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Oh, okay, so you're from Toronto.

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Yes, I see.

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All right, well, you know what.

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Let's do this before I get ahead of myself.

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Then how about you just take the next couple minutes and let's work with some of the listeners and then you and I build a little rapport who are you, where are you from and what sort of things have shaped your perspective on life?

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Yeah, absolutely so.

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As I just shared, I'm from Toronto and I'm a love and confidence coach.

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I'm an inspirational speaker and I'm an entrepreneur.

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And I got into this because this is the biggest question that I always get is how did you get into this line of work?

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And I got into this because I did not have any self-love.

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I did not have any confidence myself.

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I grew up in a home with a mother that was physically and emotionally abusive towards me.

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I grew up in a home with a mother that was physically and emotionally abusive towards me, and sometimes people have a time in their life where they can remember they had self-esteem or they had self-worth and then they lost it.

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For me, it was never there.

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It was never there right from the beginning.

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So my entire life I remember not having any self-worth and in fact, all of the words, everything that was ever said to me was coming from my mom and it was all negative and it was all terrible.

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And of course, that sent me on a trajectory where I was really really desperate for love from anyone in any way that I could get it, because I did not feel I was worthy of it and my mom never told me, or my mom told me that no one would ever love me.

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So I was desperate to prove her wrong and of course, that set me on a path of really, really terrible relationships.

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And then I met my ex husband when I was really young and we got married and I thought, okay, now I have self-worth because somebody chose me, somebody is loving me and I proved my mother wrong and now I have worth and value.

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And what happened is he had a child with somebody else.

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We were still married and that relationship part, as that happened, instead of my worth, let's say it was like at a negative 100 for everything before I got married.

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Now it was at a negative 500 because instead of proving my mother wrong, he proved my mother right.

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That you know, and it made me feel even more unworthy and that sent me on a path where I got into even worse and worse relationships because I felt even worse and worse about myself.

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And then I was in two domestic violence relationships back to back and when I got out of the second one I realized that it was really like the grace of God that allowed me to get out of that relationship and that I was unbelievably lucky and I hit my my absolute bottom and I knew that I could not be in that situation again.

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So I had to figure out what was going on and I knew that I was the common denominator and I had to take responsibility.

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And I decided at that moment that if I had to be alone forever, I was going to be alone, but I was not going to put myself in a situation where I was in another abusive relationship again and that forced me into this place where I had to examine everything that was going on.

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And what I discovered is all of the things that had happened to me in the past.

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They were not my fault, but who I was allowing into my life as an adult was a choice that I was making and it was a responsibility on my part.

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So if I was allowing people into my life that could abuse me and not treat me well, it's because I was choosing that.

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And I was choosing that because I was so, so desperate for love and so desperate for validation, because I didn't have my own love and I didn't have my own validation for validation, because I didn't have my own love and I didn't have my own validation.

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And it set me on a path that included therapy and that included coaching, and through that I found my worth and I found that self-love and I realized I don't actually need another person to give this to me.

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I have the capacity to give this to myself, and when I give this to myself, it actually then allows me to attract in and create healthy relationships in my life, because I'm not going into relationships from this place of desperation or seeking something from that other person.

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The relationships become about genuine connection, and I realized that there's so many other people that struggle just like I have, either because they've experienced abuse in their childhood or they've had trauma in adulthood that leads them to have a lack of self worth in themselves that affects all of their relationships that this is something that I am really, really passionate about now helping other people to find that self love, to find that confidence, to find that worth, so that then they can effortlessly attract all of the relationships that they want in their life, and not even just relationships, because how you show up affects everything.

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So even when it comes to jobs, opportunities, everything it all starts with you and how you feel about yourself.

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Yeah, absolutely, and the connection piece is huge.

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I mean, don't get me wrong, we're social by nature.

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But I think it's a funny thing.

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You start thinking about connection in general, where you can sort of create this current around yourself, right, that connects with other people and works well and flows and completes the circuit, so to speak, with families or with somebody else or a spouse or whatever interpersonal relationship, professionally, whichever.

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But sometimes when you try to force it and you jump the circuit, it shorts out everything else or you overload it or there's always the risk of creating problems for yourself, I think.

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But you mentioned this validation.

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Yeah, I'm sorry.

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Can I just add one thing in there?

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Absolutely, when we don't have self worth, how we show up with people that actually doesn't allow real connection to occur, is okay.

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When you have no self worth, you have no self esteem.

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Let's just say you walk into a room, you walk into a party.

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That entire time you are focused on yourself and you are thinking about yourself.

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You're thinking about what other people are thinking about you.

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You're comparing yourself to other people.

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You're judging yourself that you're so self-focused that you don't even have the time to give someone your presence.

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But when you walk into a room with confidence, people think confidence.

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They confuse confidence with arrogance.

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Right, and arrogance is actually just also a lack of confidence, because you're still focused on yourself.

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Either you're focused on yourself by falsely trying to inflate yourself or you're focused on yourself by trying to put yourself down.

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True confidence and true worth is walking into a room and not thinking about yourself.

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So that means that if I'm sitting in front of you, you're standing in front of you, that I get to listen to you and I get to hear your story, so that I actually have a real ability to connect with you instead of thinking about your story and comparing it to my own story, or thinking about myself, or thinking about what I'm wearing or what I look like or a plethora of other things about myself that I can't even show up and connect with you or with anybody else because I'm way too self-focused.

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Yeah, and that insecurity interestingly enough, I agree with you is more rooted, I think, in focusing on differences, the baselines, the benchmarks.

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You talked about the sort of competition, vice connection, instead of the similarity, for the sake of bonding or strengthening a relationship, even if it's new, with a stranger.

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You know what I mean.

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It's not even a matter of a relationship with somebody you already know.

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It could be a total like this conversation.

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It could be a total stranger right.

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And I think there's this directly proportional relationship between confidence and competence.

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Where in a professional setting, between confidence and competence, where in a professional setting, what you know is directly going to impact how well you think you know something right, if you've never been trained on well we talked about connection If you've never been trained as an electrician and you've got to go replace a light switch and somebody's watching you do it, you lose confidence real fast.

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But if you've got the competency and you've been trained and you've got the experience, you're generally doing it effortlessly and your confidence is through the roof and then it's easier to do these other tasks, talk to somebody or whatever at the same time.

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But I think it's the same sort of parallel like you just brought up with us and ourselves.

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The better you know yourself, the more confident you can appear.

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But it also plays in reverse.

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Sometimes you don't have it and you just got to fake it for a little while and eventually visualization kicks in and you start to believe it and it starts to help, where having a degree of confidence around yourself eventually allows you to catch on to who you are and you sort of reintroduce yourself to yourself.

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I think it's just like you brought up at a party or social setting or whatever you bring it with you, and I think that's what attracts people, just like you said in the beginning.

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I couldn't have said it better.

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I totally agree with you, and there's a lot of opportunities too where, for example, you said how you felt alone.

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I think was the word you used.

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But there's a big difference between being by yourself and being alone.

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And, semantics aside, loneliness is not individuality, I think.

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Well, what do you think?

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I think loneliness is a state of mind.

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Individuality is a state of being.

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Am I off the mark?

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Are we near the same page?

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No, I agree with you right, and this is actually how I got into inspirational speaking, because first I got into coaching, right, and then I got into inspirational speaking because what I realized helped me and that I realized my story had the power to help other people, that what causes us to suffer the most is not even the things that we've been through, it's believing that we're the only ones that have ever gone through those things, so that there's something fundamentally wrong with us, as opposed to the situations that we were in.

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And when someone else shares their story and you can connect to their story even without connecting to them on a personal level, and you can realize, oh, like this happens to other people, and there there is something wrong with that situation.

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Something wrong with that situation.

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There isn't something fundamentally flawed about me as a person, and even that has the ability to give connection to you, to someone else, when you share your story, right.

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And this is why you feel the loneliest when you're hiding in shame by yourself.

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Oh, that's interesting.

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Okay, but that's you doing it to yourself, then it's an internal driver, you don't realize it.

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right, because when you feel so low, you think, okay, there's something wrong with me.

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Right, that's why this happened to me, I deserved all of these things and I'm the only one that's ever gone through it.

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Right, it's also how you can keep yourself stuck and put yourself in a victim mentality because you're like, oh, this person got through it or this person's life is so much easier when you don't realize that there's so many people that have had the experiences that you have had, and if you connect to their experiences, you can use that as a point of hope for yourself to realize okay, there isn't something fundamentally flawed with me.

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Other people have walked this path and it is also possible for me, and they're showing me that it's possible for me.

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Alrighty, folks sit tight and we'll be right back on Transacting Value.

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Here's my bucket list for the day.

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Read an article on a news subject, say only nice things about others and listen to everyone's opinions, because making things better requires change.

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Now, these changes aren't going to show up on your news feed, but they're things I can do, so change something today.

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It's not going to change the entire world, but it's going to change your world.

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Change is in you, from PassItOncom there isn't something fundamentally flawed with me.

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Other people have walked this path and it is also possible for me, and they're showing me that it's possible for me.

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Okay, but do you think that diminishes a sense of uniqueness or individuality?

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Like so many other people have been through this circumstance.

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Well, now you go from one end of the spectrum, one extreme, to the other, where you're like, well, I'm the only one who's done it, this sort of special, you know, revelation or state to the other end, where you're like, well, now, there's nothing remarkable about me.

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I'm still just as negatively at the bottom of the well, but everybody's done it.

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I guess I'm not anybody's.

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But you know, it's still just this.

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No, but it's.

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It's like, if you're still coming at it from a point of comparison, right, like the thing is like, as humans, every one of us is unique, right?

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It's just about connecting to the fact that, because sometimes where you can get hung up is on the fact that this person's, this little element of their story is slightly different than mine, because everybody's is going to be slightly different, right?

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Instead of connecting to the fact that they went through something similar.

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So that makes it possible for me to go through something similar.

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But the way you're going to do it, the way you're going to walk through it, isn't going to be exactly the way that somebody else did it, because you're your own person and you're unique, and maybe someone did it they figured it out at 20 years old, and maybe you're figuring it out at 70 years old, right, and it doesn't matter, as long as you go through it and you figure it out, because, at the end of the day, if you can find that connection with yourself, with other people, if you can learn to love yourself, that's all that's going to matter to you, and it's not going to matter to you when you did it or how you did it.

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Sure, Okay.

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Well, so then, how do you communicate it?

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Let's say, you figure it out at whatever point in time in your life, however old you are, whatever.

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Whatever point in time in your life, however old you are, whatever circumstance is the trigger for you to you know, figure it out.

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How do you convey that?

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How do you communicate it?

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What role do I don't know love languages have in this whole?

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process.

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You know what I mean.

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How do you attract people then?

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So the thing is okay.

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If you figure out that you have a lack of self-love or you need, you know you have a lack of confidence within yourself, you figure out these things.

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You need you know you have a lack of confidence within yourself, you figure out these things.

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The first step is one to just acknowledge it and then to the method that is going to work best for you.

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Is the method that is going to work best for you?

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And there are so many different ones, right, and sometimes you have to try different things, right?

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So for some people, traditional talk therapy works amazingly well.

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For other people it doesn't, but there's all kinds of other types of therapy as well that exist.

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Right, if that works better for you.

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And sometimes it's just willing to go out there and try this and try this and try this until you find the right thing that works the best for you, so you can start to bring in that healing for yourself and having enough conviction that you're not going to give up if the first thing isn't the right fit for you.

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And trusting your intuition around this.

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Right, because sometimes, like you, have to give things a chance, absolutely, and when you're healing, there's pain and there's trauma involved in going through the healing as well, but you also have to trust your intuition.

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So I used a number of different modalities through my healing right and talk therapy was where I started, but I got to a certain point where I realized that it definitely helped me, but it wasn't helping me beyond a certain point because it was keeping me there and I had to trust my intuition that I needed to try something else.

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And that's when I found my self-approach and that's when I really transformed on the next level, because I was willing to trust myself enough in that moment to make a move and to try something different.

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I totally agree with you.

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At first, when you said that talk therapy, for example, only got you so far and you had to try something different, I was a little skeptical where you were going to go.

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But to your point I 100% agree with you.

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I firmly believe and this is from firsthand experience that expression when the student is ready, the teacher shall appear is accurate, even if the teacher and the student are the same person.

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But you can't start learning until you have that sort of acceptance and acknowledgement and realize okay, this is what I've accomplished or been through and here's what I can do in spite of it.

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And then it's almost like the answers are everywhere, or at least the potential for answers are everywhere.

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Yeah, because then you can open up to the fact, like it takes you, acknowledging the place that you're in, because the solutions are there, but your eyes are going to be closed to them.

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Right, you're not going to be available to them until you acknowledge that, and then you can say okay, because it takes a certain amount of courage to speak your truth and to ask for help.

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Well, sure, and then even in other relationships, intimate or not, you start trying to attract something from somebody else, but you don't know what it is.

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You don't know what you have, let alone what you need or what you're trying to fill, or you know who you want the 10% of the people that you surround yourself with to be.

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If you don't have any sense of where you are in that moment and I think I can't remember the author, I swear I do this almost every conversation I talk to people and they make me think of a book or a show and I'm totally unprepared to talk about it.

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But here we go.

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Here's another one.

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I can't remember the author, and there's a book.

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It's called Life by Design, and that's essentially what it's about a four-part approach, maybe a five-part approach to how you view your life, and designing a perspective to make it more intentional and purposeful instead of just reactionary.

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And one of the phases in fact I think it's the first one that the author talks about is understanding what is, or what the present is, where you are at the present, how you view yourself, who you are at present, but what is Because without that, you haven't clearly identified or articulated the boundaries, the parameters, the problem, set the correct problem to be able to prioritize and address and solve or work through to be able to grow into the next phase of you know, whoever, whatever your butterfly looks like, yeah, and the thing is like so people often understand this in some contexts, but in other contexts they don't want to understand it, and so what I mean by this is, let's just say, you're obese and and you want to lose weight.

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Like most people will understand, I have to change my behaviors.

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I have to change the way that I'm showing up in my life.

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To now have a different body right Like that is something that most people could intellectually wrap their mind around.

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Right.

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But in relationships, people don't always have that right, because it's like, oh, so I'm going to keep being this person, I'm going to keep showing up, and because a lot of people will get attached, this is who I am, this is just the way I do things, this is just the way I talk, and then they want to have a different relationship.

00:20:30.088 --> 00:20:35.767
But the thing is, having a different relationship is going to require different behaviors on your part.

00:20:35.767 --> 00:20:42.275
Just like if you were extremely overweight, if you wanted to lose weight, that is going to require different behaviors on your part.

00:20:42.275 --> 00:20:46.881
If you're okay with it, then you're okay with that and you can continue down that path.

00:20:46.881 --> 00:20:48.709
There's nothing wrong with that.

00:20:48.709 --> 00:20:55.414
But if it's not making you happy, then you have to realize okay, having something different is going to require me being a different person.

00:20:57.066 --> 00:20:59.634
All right, folks sit tight, We'll be right back on Transacting Value.

00:21:01.507 --> 00:21:16.678
Join us for Transacting Value, where we discuss practical applications of personal values, every Monday at 9am on our website transactingvaluepodcastcom, Wednesdays at 5pm and Sundays at noon on wreathsacrossamericaorg slash radio.

00:21:19.566 --> 00:21:26.076
But if it's not making you happy, then you have to realize okay, having something different is going to require me being a different person.

00:21:27.085 --> 00:21:27.566
Oh, okay.

00:21:27.566 --> 00:21:48.752
Or the other side of that coin, though, if you're comfortable with that, or accepting or or okay, whatever that means to you, of that situation, maintaining the same sort of standing in your life, you can't hold that same tolerance for everybody around you because they may not feel the same way.

00:21:48.752 --> 00:21:55.236
And so, even if you're comfortable, you may end up with different friends, different relationships, new people, new things.

00:21:55.236 --> 00:22:07.556
But I think there's a certain amount of grace that has to come with that level of intuition and introspection and acceptance, because then you got to sort of forgive, to a certain degree, everybody that walks away.

00:22:07.556 --> 00:22:16.589
I think there has to be some kind of empathy or dignity around that response from other people as well, cause they're like well, you should change, you should be this person.

00:22:16.589 --> 00:22:17.615
You said, no, I'm good where I'm at.

00:22:17.615 --> 00:22:26.071
And if they say, oh well, then we're not going to hang out anymore or we're going to get divorced now, or whatever the outcome is, you almost can't hold it against them.

00:22:26.787 --> 00:22:29.785
Oh, you can't, because the thing is, respect for boundaries goes both ways.

00:22:29.785 --> 00:22:45.628
Like, you get to have your boundaries and your boundaries are related to how you show up in your own behavior and what you want to accept, what you don't want to accept, and other people get to have their own and you can't say, oh well, I get to have mine, but no one else gets to have theirs, or be upset that other people have theirs.

00:22:45.628 --> 00:22:46.832
It goes both ways.

00:22:47.212 --> 00:22:48.214
Sure, sure, okay.

00:22:48.214 --> 00:23:05.646
But is that the case or maybe I think it's especially the case whenever families regroup, like a holiday, for example, or a birthday or whatever occasion, because usually you're not going to see your friends again after they leave and they decided you're not who they thought you were, or vice versa, and you leave them.

00:23:05.646 --> 00:23:18.269
You don't see them again, but your family usually you do, and fortunately, maybe unfortunately, the last you they remember is the last you that they interacted with, and so you may be different now.

00:23:18.269 --> 00:23:20.634
So what about like holiday seasons?

00:23:20.634 --> 00:23:23.398
Or what about during any of these other birthdays, anniversaries?

00:23:23.398 --> 00:23:24.601
So what about like holiday seasons?

00:23:24.601 --> 00:23:26.424
Or what about during any of these other birthdays, anniversaries?

00:23:26.424 --> 00:23:32.204
How do you set people straight with a little bit of dignity and grace and still walk out with humility and the same authenticity and character, whatever you try to bring into it?

00:23:32.744 --> 00:23:44.607
You have to have a certain amount of discernment, right, and this is that there are relationships in your family that are going to be unsafe, that are going to be toxic, right, and you may have to, even if they're family members.

00:23:44.607 --> 00:24:03.542
There are people that may have to cut out, and you have to have a certain amount of discernment, and sometimes it's not even that you have to cut somebody out completely, but it's understanding the limitations around how much time you can spend around this person, right, because if you grow and change and the people around you don't, it's okay.

00:24:03.542 --> 00:24:13.056
But you might realize, okay, I can see this person twice a year for five hours, and I have the understanding that this is who they are and they don't want to change.

00:24:13.056 --> 00:24:19.181
They want to be who they are and because I don't want to cut them out of my life completely, I'm willing to accept that.

00:24:19.181 --> 00:24:26.130
So, instead of going back and forth with them, accept who they are, right, you can have your boundaries around.

00:24:26.130 --> 00:24:38.385
Let's say like, if someone is saying something to you, you can let them know that that doesn't feel good to you, right, and you want to keep everything focused around yourself instead of you can't say this and use statements, because this is just going to lead to arguments.

00:24:38.385 --> 00:24:49.184
You want to keep everything focused on I statements, right, like I don't like hearing that or I'm sensitive to that, and sometimes you have to figure out who that person is and then work through it with that situation.

00:24:49.184 --> 00:24:58.351
So if someone is going to, if you think that, speaking up for yourself, that family member, because they're not compassionate, it's going to turn around and say you are just sensitive, just start with that yourself.

00:24:58.351 --> 00:25:04.348
Say I'm sensitive to this and so it doesn't feel good for me to hear this.

00:25:04.348 --> 00:25:07.019
I would really appreciate if you don't say this to me, because then what are they going to come back with?

00:25:07.019 --> 00:25:11.865
Say you already acknowledge that you are and you're willing to accept that because you're okay with who you are.

00:25:11.865 --> 00:25:19.768
They're just going to have to accept the fact that you're not okay with hearing that anymore and you may have to limit your time with those people.

00:25:20.147 --> 00:25:42.473
Where we get really, really upset, where we get really, really upset, where we get really, really resentful, is we have expectations of people that are beyond what they're capable of, and sometimes having people in our lives is just accepting them for who they are and then deciding if you can accept them or if you can't accept them.

00:25:42.473 --> 00:25:44.845
And there are some people, like I said, right, like, so maybe your grandma is 90.

00:25:44.845 --> 00:25:53.433
And she, she is the way that she is and she has these worldviews and she may not understand things in a modern world, but she doesn't have that many years left.

00:25:53.433 --> 00:25:58.859
And working on trying to change her mind isn't the solution, right, but it can be redirecting.

00:25:58.859 --> 00:26:02.431
So instead she starts talking about something that you find very, very upsetting.

00:26:02.471 --> 00:26:08.248
This could be redirecting to a different topic, say, okay, why don't you share your cornbread recipe with me instead?

00:26:08.248 --> 00:26:13.048
Right, like, let's change the topic to something that isn't going to be triggering and upsetting to you.

00:26:13.048 --> 00:26:32.675
So you learn to to navigate that relationship with that person through the communication that you're having, so that you're not showing up with this expectation that all of a sudden, that maybe this person who holds these old viewpoints that don't feel relevant to you anymore, you're not getting upset because you're going to waste your time and your energy trying to change this.

00:26:32.675 --> 00:26:46.436
And if you can't, if something is so toxic or so terrible that you cannot accept it, then it's also okay for you to acknowledge I can't be around this person, so I'm just going to remove myself from this situation, and this is where the self-awareness piece comes in.

00:26:47.138 --> 00:26:51.816
Well, that's the ownership you were talking about earlier, of yourself, your surroundings, your perspective, whichever.

00:26:51.816 --> 00:26:53.847
And so what about this?

00:26:53.847 --> 00:27:25.863
I guess, as a maybe a counterpoint, maybe a parallel to what you just brought up, you had mentioned, it's okay for you to grow and change, and if you identify, for example, let's say, your family maybe isn't or hasn't, is it, do you think fair to say that they also are just at a different rate and at a different point than you happen to be, or at a different rate or a different point than you realize you are growing, but that they still are as well, just in their own path, in their own way, and maybe that diverges more, maybe it converges more.

00:27:26.305 --> 00:27:28.532
Yeah, no, I mean, it's entirely possible.

00:27:28.532 --> 00:27:34.731
Like you know, a lot of people do change, but then there's also people that don't right, because they're so set in their ways and they're.

00:27:34.731 --> 00:27:37.633
This is who I am, this is how I think, this is the way I do things.

00:27:37.785 --> 00:27:47.233
Maybe unwittingly, Like I said yeah, and you just have to decide, like, if you're able to accept that, if you're not able to accept that, where the resentment, where all of this comes in is.

00:27:47.233 --> 00:27:52.815
You're showing up to a situation and you're just expecting people to be different than who they are.

00:27:52.815 --> 00:28:03.404
When you accept people for who they are, things get so much easier and just understand that you wanting the things that you want and you needing the things that you need isn't wrong.

00:28:03.404 --> 00:28:08.636
But you may not be able to get it from that person that you want it so like.

00:28:08.717 --> 00:28:15.086
In my life I don't have a relationship with my mom and I had to cut her off because she wasn't just abusive in my childhood.

00:28:15.086 --> 00:28:18.855
She would continue to be abusive if I had a relationship with her now.

00:28:18.855 --> 00:28:20.018
Right, and what?

00:28:20.018 --> 00:28:20.345
How?

00:28:20.345 --> 00:28:22.511
I don't have resentment around that is.

00:28:22.511 --> 00:28:26.611
I understand that she's just not capable of that, for whatever reason.

00:28:26.611 --> 00:28:35.385
She's not capable of giving me the things that I need, but I'm not wrong for needing the things that I need and I still get to have the things that I need.

00:28:35.385 --> 00:28:37.476
I just don't get to have them from her.

00:28:37.476 --> 00:28:43.992
At the end of the day, as long as I'm getting the things that I need in my life, it doesn't matter that they're not coming from her.

00:28:44.654 --> 00:28:50.547
No, no, I suppose not, but maybe that's why we're all sort of called relatives.

00:28:50.547 --> 00:28:51.248
You know what I mean.

00:28:51.248 --> 00:28:58.174
It just changes at a respective rate for each person a little bit differently than others, and its impact is relative.

00:28:58.174 --> 00:29:01.905
So how do you manage those expectations then?

00:29:01.905 --> 00:29:03.070
And you touched on it a little bit.

00:29:03.070 --> 00:29:09.355
Right, you can just own it upfront and just bring it up directly and get ahead of the potential tension or whatever.

00:29:09.355 --> 00:29:11.068
But are there other options?

00:29:11.068 --> 00:29:11.892
Is that the only one?

00:29:11.892 --> 00:29:12.694
Is that the best one?

00:29:12.694 --> 00:29:15.869
How do we manage other people's expectations, or how do we manage our own?

00:29:16.644 --> 00:29:25.288
When it comes to, let's just say, it's like Christmas you don't see people very often If there's going to be a certain a big change about you before you get there.

00:29:25.288 --> 00:29:29.038
One way to manage this is to just let people know ahead of time.

00:29:29.038 --> 00:29:29.967
So I don't know.

00:29:29.967 --> 00:29:34.326
Let's just say you decided to go vegan and your family are like hardcore meat eaters.

00:29:34.326 --> 00:29:49.048
Okay, it's not a good idea to show up or tell them like the day before that you know you're not going to partake in the meal, but instead it's a really good idea to let someone know, like a few weeks ahead of time at least, and say you're going to bring something for yourself, right?

00:29:49.048 --> 00:29:53.693
So, like you're preparing ahead, you're taking the weight and the burden off someone else.

00:29:53.693 --> 00:30:05.099
You're not expecting them to change their behavior because you've changed your behavior in this regard, but you're also showing up and taking care of yourself by bringing something for yourself that you feel comfortable and safe to eat.

00:30:05.099 --> 00:30:10.430
And you can still participate in sitting down with everybody and engaging with everybody.

00:30:10.430 --> 00:30:16.032
And who knows, if you bring something, maybe someone else will like it and they'll want to eat something of what you're eating and but.

00:30:16.032 --> 00:30:18.145
But it doesn't come from a place of like forcing.

00:30:18.145 --> 00:30:27.613
It doesn't come from a place of surprise, right, and any other big change that you've made in your life that's going to be immediately noticeable, like a lot of people know.

00:30:27.613 --> 00:30:36.807
So that they can also that they're not in shock, because that doesn't tend to like bode well for a good reaction from someone else.

00:30:37.309 --> 00:30:45.828
And then the other things, like I said is, can you read when it comes to other things where, let's just say, maybe your views on things have changed, right?

00:30:45.828 --> 00:30:49.576
Can you just redirect conversations to safe topics?

00:30:49.576 --> 00:30:50.446
Can you figure out?

00:30:50.446 --> 00:31:30.616
Can you, before you go to that gathering, can you make a list of safe topics that you feel comfortable discussing that you can just redirect, right, and think about the people that you're talking to, think about things that they're interested in and most people, as long as you're engaging with them, as long as you're interested, you can still have a nice time, you can still have a good conversation, but maybe stay away from the things that are complicated, right, and things that often become complicated are things like politics or whatever, and families, right, and so, just like, can you, instead of like trying to force someone to see your point of view, can you just decide that you're not going to have that conversation and instead you're going to figure out something safe to talk about instead.

00:31:31.237 --> 00:31:44.795
Sure, sure, and a lot of that is going to have to come down to how open minded you think, or how open minded actually everybody else is in the moment, and I think that's a little bit more to the discernment angle you brought up earlier.

00:31:44.795 --> 00:31:45.799
But I think the preparation is pretty cool.

00:31:45.799 --> 00:31:52.625
I mean, it's a great idea to just think about it on the drive to the house, like a job interview or a phone call or first date or whatever.

00:31:52.625 --> 00:31:54.049
What am I trying to get out of this?

00:31:54.049 --> 00:31:55.976
What am I trying to accomplish based on this?

00:31:55.976 --> 00:32:01.111
What are my expectations following this event or whatever it is?

00:32:01.811 --> 00:32:15.278
And then visual and the other thing is that applies in all relationships, right Is when you are trying to force change on someone, it is human nature for that person to resist that change.

00:32:16.726 --> 00:32:21.797
We have a defense mechanism that is going to kick up and we are not going to want to.

00:32:21.856 --> 00:32:29.711
Change is going to kick up and we are not going to want to change is when you can let go of your pushiness and expectations around this.

00:32:29.731 --> 00:32:59.375
That is when you open the door for curiosity from the other person and it's their curiosity that will lead to their desire to change, if it's possible it's not possible in every situation, right, but, like I said, let's just say let's go back to the example of you went vegan and your family loves meat or whatever, trying to like go in there and like explain to your family why they're wrong about what they're eating and all of that that is going to cause so much resistance on their part.

00:32:59.695 --> 00:33:38.439
But, like I said, if you can just bring something and you share it with them, maybe people will start to ask you questions and they'll you'll open like a little bit of their mind to what you're doing and that curiosity can open the door to some level of change, right, and that's just one example that applies to every single area of life that if you can just not be pushing your beliefs, your thoughts, your ideas of how someone should be, and you can just accept them and in small ways that they're going to be able to digest, you share parts of yourself with them, you can open the door to them changing through curiosity.

00:33:39.946 --> 00:33:42.325
Alrighty, folks sit tight and we'll be right back on Transacting Value.

00:33:49.265 --> 00:33:50.990
This message is from the US Department of Veterans Affairs.

00:33:50.990 --> 00:33:58.614
VA disability compensation is a monthly tax-free payment to veterans who got sick or injured in the military and to veterans whose service worsened an existing condition.

00:33:58.614 --> 00:34:07.458
You may qualify for VA disability compensation for physical and mental health conditions that developed or worsened due to service.

00:34:07.458 --> 00:34:17.175
Learn more at vagov slash disability in small ways that they're going to be able to digest.

00:34:17.175 --> 00:34:18.891
You share parts of yourself with them.

00:34:18.891 --> 00:34:23.554
You can open the door to them changing through curiosity.

00:34:23.574 --> 00:34:30.135
I like that Well, through their curiosity and yours, because it gives yeah, yeah, absolutely.

00:34:30.135 --> 00:34:30.918
I like that a lot.

00:34:30.918 --> 00:34:32.751
So I have a question for you.

00:34:32.751 --> 00:34:38.590
Then, talking about curiosity and growth overall, I suppose this is a segment of the show called Developing.

00:34:38.590 --> 00:34:39.492
Character Developing.

00:34:39.534 --> 00:34:40.817
Character, developing Character.

00:34:40.817 --> 00:34:43.351
For everybody new to the show, and obviously Navi you included.

00:34:43.351 --> 00:35:13.440
This is just two questions, so as in-depth or as vulnerable as you want to be, but my philosophy I guess you could say personally and professionally is that whenever anybody any human, any culture, any background, any ethnicity doesn't matter is working through some of these critical thought processes, the one thing that we all have in common is that we come back to some sort of a value system relative to each person, but some sort of a value system to stand on and align ourselves with.

00:35:13.440 --> 00:35:17.110
It's like a grounding mechanism for this current you brought up earlier, right?

00:35:17.110 --> 00:35:26.487
So my first question is then what were some of the values that you actually remember being brought up on or raised around or exposed to when you were younger?

00:35:27.911 --> 00:35:42.014
I had a lot of conflict in the values that I was raised with, and this is also what led to a lack of self-worth on my part, which is why, in my coaching program, I have four pillars of confidence, and one of the pillars of confidence is to live your values.

00:35:42.014 --> 00:35:53.277
Where people get stuck in their own confidence is they have values that are conflicting and then they don't know which value to live, so there's, like always, parts of them that are fighting against other parts of themselves.

00:35:53.277 --> 00:36:02.635
Part of values I was raised with were generosity and kindness, but then I was not treated that way, right, that's not that I did not experience that.

00:36:02.655 --> 00:36:14.293
So there was a lot of conflict in that, because then, in order to survive, the values that I had to learn was that I had to either be invisible or I had to figure out how to be more combative.

00:36:14.293 --> 00:36:20.228
Those were the skills that I had to learn, those were the values in order to survive, in order to make it through.

00:36:20.228 --> 00:36:25.231
And then also, I believe confidence and self worth is a value, right.

00:36:25.231 --> 00:36:40.804
But then being taught to be humble and to play small right, to reconcile that and to allow myself to step into the values of confidence and worth, were things that I had to go through and I had to reconcile within myself.

00:36:40.804 --> 00:36:47.516
Right, and I had to figure out, okay, what is true to me and what is not true to me.

00:36:47.516 --> 00:37:08.550
And I had a harder childhood, but I think I had an easier time in this because of that, because sometimes what happens is, as people grow, you have values that were instilled upon you by, let's say, very, very loving parents, and now you have different values that conflict with the values that were given to you by your loving parents.

00:37:08.550 --> 00:37:26.967
And so, by stepping into yourself as a person and by embracing those values, you feel like you're betraying the people that you love, and so you end up with this inner conflict and sometimes it's just figuring out how to reconcile things within yourself, like I feel like a common one.

00:37:27.027 --> 00:37:34.233
That that comes up for people is a lot of people want success in their life, right, and then they also want ease and they want pleasure.

00:37:34.233 --> 00:37:40.445
But they were taught by parents who worked really hard that hard work is the only way to success.

00:37:40.445 --> 00:37:52.244
And if they find a way to have success with ease right in their life, they don't feel good in that, they don't feel confident in that, because they feel like they're betraying the value of the hard work Right.

00:37:52.244 --> 00:38:04.905
And sometimes it's just working through this as an adult and understanding that those were the tools that your family had or your parents had, right, and that was the only way that they were able to do it.

00:38:04.905 --> 00:38:08.313
But if you found a new way, you found new tools.

00:38:08.313 --> 00:38:09.516
That gives you that ease.

00:38:09.516 --> 00:38:25.699
There isn't a betrayal in that because ultimately they want your success, they want your happiness and you don't have to fall back into that struggle state just because they were in it and you're not betraying them by going into and accepting that you can have success with ease.

00:38:26.324 --> 00:38:51.126
Yeah, there's a lot relative self-neglect getting some sort of position where they still feel as fulfilled after their military career ends.

00:38:51.126 --> 00:39:01.288
They're like no, I just got to grind through, take a good paying job or take care of my family or spend time at home, even if what I want to do may even be similar to what I've been doing.

00:39:01.288 --> 00:39:02.510
But I owe it to them.

00:39:02.510 --> 00:39:04.856
So I'll take a step back.

00:39:04.856 --> 00:39:19.090
Or I don't deserve to have these things because you know, whatever everybody I served with over the last 20 years who got killed or who isn't here for whatever reason, or it's just back in their own home state and I don't see them anymore doesn't have these things.

00:39:19.710 --> 00:39:24.559
And that self-sabotage you talked about actually seems to be fairly common.

00:39:24.559 --> 00:39:28.452
And if it's not, guys, stop being so external with that.

00:39:28.452 --> 00:39:30.295
If it's not as accurate, maybe.

00:39:30.295 --> 00:39:32.688
Yeah, confidence, I think, goes a long way.

00:39:32.688 --> 00:39:34.376
But that actually leads me to my second question.

00:39:34.376 --> 00:39:40.273
Of all of these things that have changed in your life, which obviously is quite a bit, what about now?

00:39:40.273 --> 00:39:42.518
What are some of your values that you stand on?

00:39:49.724 --> 00:40:02.371
So now, the biggest thing that I have learned in my life is there was all of these parts that weren't in alignment for myself, right, and even I mean reconciling growth, having nice things or being successful, like having money, and thinking, okay, that's bad or that's going to make you a bad person, or any of those things.

00:40:02.371 --> 00:40:21.007
What I realized is that in no way, shape or form, is the world served by my playing small or by anyone playing small, because the more that I have, the more power that I have and the more that I can use that as a force for good in this world.

00:40:21.007 --> 00:40:22.190
Right, because it's.

00:40:22.190 --> 00:40:26.509
If I don't have any resources, I have no resources that I can share with other people.

00:40:26.509 --> 00:40:28.597
I do not have the ability to help other people.

00:40:28.597 --> 00:40:35.893
If I acquire more resources, if I acquire more wealth, if I acquire more ease in my life, I have the ability to do that.

00:40:35.893 --> 00:40:44.157
If I don't have good relationships and I don't have that discernment, or I don't have love in my life, I can't help another person.

00:40:44.157 --> 00:40:45.541
Have that either.

00:40:45.661 --> 00:41:09.335
Right, nothing is served by my playing small or by buying into that mindset, and that applies for every single person, because I just believe that there are so many people out there that have so many amazing ideas, so much potential, and because they don't love themselves, because they don't think that they're worthy or they think that they need to play small, their ideas aren't being shared, right?

00:41:09.335 --> 00:41:14.637
I'm sure there's someone sitting out there that has cures for diseases that there's someone that has.

00:41:14.637 --> 00:41:17.269
It's not possible for me, right?

00:41:17.269 --> 00:41:18.833
And or I'm not good enough.

00:41:18.833 --> 00:41:22.052
Somebody else has to do it and the world is being denied right?

00:41:22.052 --> 00:41:34.755
And I think it's that loving yourself and stepping into your worth and confidence and playing big is the biggest gift that you will ever give to the world, because it allows you power and opportunities to help people.

00:41:34.755 --> 00:41:43.313
And as long as you have nothing and you feel like you're nothing, you can never show up and contribute to society in all the ways that you want.

00:41:43.313 --> 00:41:44.657
You tearing yourself down.

00:41:44.657 --> 00:41:47.088
It isn't serving in any way.

00:41:47.670 --> 00:41:48.130
Absolutely.

00:41:48.130 --> 00:42:05.077
And if it is true and I have every reason to believe it is that energy isn't created or destroyed, it just changes form, then reframing your perspective directly impacts every ounce of renewable and sustainable potential energy that you've got as a resource to impact everybody else.

00:42:05.077 --> 00:42:09.380
I'll tell you this I've been in villages around the world that have been very poor.

00:42:09.380 --> 00:42:46.251
People haven't had money, shoes, homes, haven't even had families, have been literally by themselves on the street and super happy Maybe not content, but at least happy to have a conversation with somebody and still be genuine and authentic and represent themselves in a way that they can be proud of, exactly like you just brought up, where you may not have everything in the world and maybe you do but what you can still bring as a resource is how you view yourself and view the world, and it's an internal locus of control, that degree of self-worth and awareness and identity.

00:42:46.313 --> 00:43:02.637
And I think there's something to be said for at least an ounce of pride, at least a little bit of something that you can stand on, that you're okay with and content with and accepting of, and I think that's huge for every reason that you just brought up.

00:43:02.637 --> 00:43:09.318
And so, then, for your, let's say, holiday plans or any seasonal traditions or whatever.

00:43:09.318 --> 00:43:11.150
What does that mean for you now?

00:43:11.150 --> 00:43:16.690
Are you changing how you work with and communicate with other people your family, your friends?

00:43:16.690 --> 00:43:22.514
Do you get in front of all this stuff now, or do you let it come up in conversation and just take it in stride?

00:43:22.514 --> 00:43:23.155
What's your go-to?

00:43:24.264 --> 00:43:29.277
So, like I said, for each situation, for each person, I have different strategies, right.

00:43:29.277 --> 00:43:44.496
So there are people in my life, in my family, that I want in my life, but I want them in my life in small doses, right, and so I navigate that I don't go to a situation and expect them to be somebody that they're not and I accept them because I want them in my life.

00:43:44.496 --> 00:43:58.231
In that regard, right, if I want somebody in my life in a really big way, then I accept them for who they are and how they're showing up, right, and then my biggest value, I would say, is creating community and creating connection.

00:43:58.231 --> 00:44:12.710
So this is really, really important to me, and so for my holidays, it's always my door is open, as many people are welcome at my house as want to come and want to show up, because I want to be that safe space for as many people as I can be.

00:44:13.451 --> 00:44:17.826
Wow, even despite everything else, and you're not like, turned off to humanity?

00:44:18.628 --> 00:44:20.032
No, because this is what I mean.

00:44:20.032 --> 00:44:22.746
This is what stepping into my worth and power has allowed me to do.

00:44:22.746 --> 00:44:24.811
Right now, I get to be the safe place.

00:44:24.811 --> 00:44:32.702
Like you don't have a place to go for Christmas, Like I always have so many new friends and like friendships that keep deepening over time.

00:44:32.702 --> 00:44:40.597
But it's because I'm not afraid that if I just meet somebody and I find that you're going to be alone for the holidays, you get to come to my place because my door is always open.

00:44:40.597 --> 00:44:59.494
And that's what I mean me stepping into my worth, me stepping into my confidence and me also allowing myself to show up in the world and to build the business that I want and to attract the resources that I want allows me to have a home that I can invite people to and I can create those opportunities for connection and create that safe space for other people.

00:45:00.465 --> 00:45:05.717
Is that the same idea, I guess, as the validation you were looking for before.

00:45:05.717 --> 00:45:10.969
It's just sort of manipulated, or do you think it's actually you sort of forward leaning?

00:45:10.969 --> 00:45:13.976
And now generosity, not validation?

00:45:14.684 --> 00:45:19.536
Yeah, it's generosity, because it's like holding that power to be like okay, I, I get to do this.

00:45:19.536 --> 00:45:20.509
It's not coming from.

00:45:20.509 --> 00:45:21.775
I need this from somebody.

00:45:21.775 --> 00:45:22.898
It's I get to be this.

00:45:22.960 --> 00:45:38.994
For somebody, it's totally different yeah, it absolutely sounds different, but okay, so now do you have a like a go-to dish or a go-to soundtrack and spotify playlist or something that that helps you set the mood for other people to feel accepted and cozy and comforted?

00:45:38.994 --> 00:45:42.375
Or is it just all in what you bring to the situation?

00:45:42.996 --> 00:45:48.498
Part of it is okay what I bring to the situation, but part of this is exactly what I teach in my programs, right?

00:45:48.498 --> 00:45:52.492
So the basis of all my programs is based on four pillars of confidence, right?

00:45:52.492 --> 00:46:01.407
So the first pillar is cultivating self-trust, because you cannot feel good and you cannot love yourself if you don't trust yourself.

00:46:01.407 --> 00:46:09.150
And also, you will have different requirements of other people in your life when you don't trust yourself.

00:46:09.150 --> 00:46:16.322
Because when you trust yourself, trusting yourself means you trust yourself to be able to navigate situations and to navigate difficult things.

00:46:16.322 --> 00:46:24.971
So the amount of trust that you have to have in another person is far less when you trust yourself than when you don't trust yourself, because then you need someone to say the right thing.

00:46:24.971 --> 00:46:26.376
You need them to show up in this way.

00:46:26.376 --> 00:46:32.007
You need them to do this because you don't trust yourself to be able to handle yourself through those situations, right?

00:46:32.007 --> 00:46:47.668
Another pillar that I shared is to live your values right and figuring out which values are not compatible with other values and just figuring out the ways in your life where you're just not living your values, you can fully show up and live your values.

00:46:47.668 --> 00:47:04.590
Another one of my pillars of self confidence is to live your passions, because if you live a life that you are absolutely bored to tears with, you are not going to feel good, you're not going to feel good, you're not going to feel worthy and you're not going to feel confident.

00:47:04.590 --> 00:47:20.568
So sometimes you have to go and you have to work a job that may not let you up, that's okay, but you get to have a full entire life so you can have hobbies, interests, other things that you're doing, other ways that light you up in your life, because those actions that you're taking are going to make you feel confident and they're going to make you feel good.

00:47:20.568 --> 00:47:28.436
And then the last pillar of confidence is to practice loving, kindness to yourself every day, and you have to do that across four areas.

00:47:28.436 --> 00:47:31.692
So you have to do something for your mental health every single day.

00:47:31.692 --> 00:47:34.648
You have to do something for your physical health every single day.

00:47:34.648 --> 00:47:40.173
You have to do something for your spiritual well being every single day and you have to do something for your aesthetic well being every single day.

00:47:40.173 --> 00:47:41.597
You have to do something for your spiritual wellbeing every single day.

00:47:41.597 --> 00:47:46.550
And you have to do something for your aesthetic wellbeing every single day, because if you are not taking care of your mental health, you are not going to feel good.

00:47:46.550 --> 00:47:53.398
And again, what you do is going to be specific to you and it doesn't have to be something across the board.

00:47:53.780 --> 00:48:00.376
For someone, taking care of their mental health could be waking up in the morning and saying five affirmations, and that is enough, right?

00:48:00.376 --> 00:48:06.612
For someone, it is going to require going to regular therapy and working through other things.

00:48:06.612 --> 00:48:12.753
For someone, it's going to maybe be meditation or whatever it is right, something for your physical well-being.

00:48:12.753 --> 00:48:16.387
So this could be again waking up in the morning and just drinking a glass of water.

00:48:16.387 --> 00:48:19.911
That could be the thing that you do, right, making sure that you're hydrated.

00:48:19.911 --> 00:48:25.797
For someone else, it's going to be, you know, working out for two hours a day and everything in between.

00:48:26.739 --> 00:48:37.853
But whatever it is that you're doing, you need to do something, because this is also it's the actions that you take that signify that you love yourself and it's the taking care of yourself in those actions.

00:48:37.853 --> 00:48:41.378
Then you have to do something for your spiritual well being and again, this is so, so different.

00:48:41.378 --> 00:48:46.039