Developing Effective Communication Skills: A Conversation with Confidence Coach Tamara Pflug

Joshua "Porter" Porthouse: 0:05

Welcome to Transacting Value, where we talk about practical applications for personal values when dealing with each other and even within ourselves. Where we foster a podcast listening experience that lets you hear the power of a value system for managing burnout, establishing boundaries and finding belonging. My name is Josh Porthouse, I'm your host and we are your people. This is why values still hold value. This is Transacting Value.

Tamara Pflug: 0:33

To me, confidence is really about being able to feel any kind of emotion. I believe the worst that can happen always is a negative, uncomfortable emotion, and true confidence for me is really the ability of being able to feel and the willingness really to feel any kind of emotion.

Joshua "Porter" Porthouse: 0:50

Welcome to Transacting Value Today. Depression, boredom, anxiety, dissatisfaction with life they're all related to our perceptions of the stressors within our lives. They make our lives more complex, sure, but more importantly, they give us each opportunities to refine how we can cope with our stressors and also how to better communicate with the people in our circles about them. Enjoy the journey. Growth can be uncomfortable or painful, but can also be enjoyable and spontaneous. Our newest contributor is a fun and confidence coach from Geneva, Switzerland. She's the founder of her coaching company, personal Development Zone, and host of the podcast Get Confident, Get Happy. Tamara Pflug, join us as we walk through our February core values of play, spontaneity and fun to reinstigate our self-worth Folks. Without further ado, on Porter, I'm your host, and this is Transacting Value. Tamara, how are you doing?

Tamara Pflug: 1:39

I'm doing great. Now that we're talking, I'm doing fine all the way from Switzerland. Thank you.

Joshua "Porter" Porthouse: 1:44

Yeah, it's kind of weird too, because now, obviously we're on a Zoom call for anybody who's new to the show. I'm only playing the audio, however, because we're on a video call. I think it's understated. We are actually thousands of miles apart and we've never physically met, not to be like. Well, back in my day we didn't have this capability, that guy, but back in my day we didn't have this capability To be able to share these views and find things we have in common culturally, in our perspectives, in our worldview or just in the impact we're attempting to make in society, and still be thousands of miles apart and find a way to have commonalities. If we can do it, people certainly sitting at an airport next to each other, on a bus next to each other, on a train, at a coffee shop, at a cafe, on a sidewalk next to each other, can do it. You know what I'm saying.

Tamara Pflug: 2:31

Yeah, for sure, we live in the best time ever. I think I always say that.

Joshua "Porter" Porthouse: 2:36

Don't get me wrong. I think the other half of that coin is you've got to be a little cautious, you can't talk to everybody and you don't have something in common with everybody. Sure, not at face value, but I think it's underrated the ability or impact we can make by communicating effectively in ways other people are willing to interpret and learn based on their cultures. Empathy goes a long way, but more importantly, and, I think, more important to your business too, Tamara, confidence goes a long way. Self-confidence, right, yeah, sure, what role do you see self-confidence having in our abilities to communicate effectively with each other?

Tamara Pflug: 3:11

Yes, I think confidence is so important because let's talk about the whole point of communicating. I think it's to really connect on a deep level. Also, after COVID, we saw how much, no matter what the nature of the relationship, we just want to connect with somebody, to be seen, heard and understood. I think this is what we all want. So, when it comes to communication, the whole point is to communicate clearly, like the most clearly possible, and to be authentic self. So this is where what is in all control is our confidence to feel comfortable, being who we are, knowing what we want to say, being true to ourselves, aligned with our values. We talked a lot about values also, what's important for us, what we would fight for. When you are really at peace with yourself and it doesn't have to be complicated or sophisticated, but just when you hear, not for a reason, but you feel really generally good the communication is just much more easier with other people.

Joshua "Porter" Porthouse: 4:06

Oh well, it can be. It may not be received well all the time. Some people don't want to be bothered, but yeah, it definitely can be. And then I think there's a bit of an issue with that, maybe now, more recently, towards this younger generation worldwide, maybe in large part because of social media, which is sort of ironic. I'll get there in just a second, but I'd like to start with you. If we're talking about self-confidence and we're talking about your ability to communicate well with other people, well, we're in the start of this conversation and for everybody who's listening, they may not know who you are. So let's start there. If we're inviting people to listen to our conversation, who are you? Take a couple minutes, Tamara. Where are you from? What sort of things have shaped your perspective on life?

Tamara Pflug: 4:49

Yeah, actually it's true. Let's start from the beginning. So I'm Tamara from Geneva, Switzerland, and I grew up in Switzerland. It was very quiet, very calm, very peaceful childhood and, yeah, I used to be a teacher. I love kids. They are so simple, you know, I had so much fun and they don't overthink stuff. I always like to say we're born confident. When we try to walk, we're always failing, like falling down, but we never give up. People are also cheering us up. So, anyway, I really like working with kids. And then I started traveling and it's so how much it's fun to travel. So with my partner, we build an Amazon business. So we used to sell online kitchen gadgets which is very funny because we don't like to cook and I eat out a lot and then we sold that business. It was really a great accomplishment. And then I started life coaching. I started to learn life coaching and to be very interested in confidence, relationships and all of the things that I think would change completely our life If we would learn this at school. I think, how to make decisions, how to have your own back and again, it goes back to confidence. But back then I was a life coach general life coach and I used to coach people on weight loss, time management, productivity, a lot on dating. It was very fun and then I saw that deep down it often comes down to self-worth, like giving our self permission, what to believe about ourselves, knowing that we are good enough no matter what's happening. And to me, confidence it's really about being able to feel any kind of emotion. I believe the worst that can happen always is a negative, uncomfortable emotion, and true confidence for me is really the ability of being able to feel and the willingness really to feel any kind of emotion. So I niche down, kind of like I listen to my intuition, and I just did it and became a fun and confident coach. I added the fun tagline, which is the most recent event on my timeline, just because I think that the process itself can be also very fun. It doesn't have to be too complicated. Or again, I help people have an uncomplicated life and not take life and themselves. So this is an other the fun tagline.

Joshua "Porter" Porthouse: 6:51

So this is yeah in a nutshell Sure, but it's easy to take yourself or your circumstances too seriously. I don't want to say fall into a trap, but to fall into that issue where you start to have a focus on work or focus on your role as a parent or your role as a student or your role as a child or whatever it is, focus on your social status or financial status, and you don't slow down long enough to listen to yourself. Right and so, in establishing let's call them boundaries boundaries and blinders, right, like for a horse, so they don't get distracted and stay focused, and I think it's a lot easier. I mean, you see a lot of these videos to where all these guys whoever Joe Rogan or whoever else, getting into these ice baths, or Wim Hof talking about focusing on your breathing, or this certified health nut guy on Instagram talking about focusing on you and how you feel and how you interpret what's happening to your body, and so on. And I think there's a lot of gravity in that, where it's sort of a misunderstood capability of strength of humans, where we can set our own boundaries and we can say I just need to take some time to myself and listen to me and focus on me right now to be able to benefit everything else because there's too much. And so what I prefer to use is a value system and then rely on that and say, ok, well, I could take this new job, but if I take this job, the person I've been emailing only gets back to me once a week, and I send emails every day. I don't understand why I'm not getting responses or whatever regularly. Well, if you value punctuality, value consideration and courtesy and responsibility or accountability or any of these other values, and you're not finding it in that company, well maybe that makes your decision to take the job easier and you don't take the job. And so, if we take it from that perspective and we're talking about values for a second, I'd like to open with yours and then see what those values do for you and your ability to set boundaries on your life and then, obviously, advise other people on theirs. Is that cool? Yeah, all right, cool. So this is a segment of the show called developing character developing character, and it's two questions for anybody new to the show and, obviously, tam room for your insight. Each of these questions is entirely as in depth or vulnerable as you want to be, but they are 100 percent based on your perspective. So my first question is when you were growing up, what were some of the values that you were exposed to or that you adopted or aligned with?

Tamara Pflug: 9:17

It's interesting because, yeah, it's so true that when you grow up you have your values and, like people, teachers and parents, you know they always do their best and then actually you realize that you can choose your values and it's such an interesting. I love that you bring that stuff to me. I had kind of different values, like from now, like the one that I grew up with. I grew up in Switzerland, geneva from. My mom was still there. My mom is French, my dad is German, which is very common. People are from all over Europe. Usually that's with people, but anyway we are nice, mixed, and I think I was raised with values such as a steady was, like wanting to make money it's important to make money also and to work hard All of these values that I think. Now that I'm looking back with your great questions, I see that it's like there are no values are bad or wrong. I see it just depends how you align with them, like in how they make you feel. Today, just to question, because I think people also feel bad, kind of reject, or not necessarily the word reject it's not the right one, but looking at the past and kind of wanting to not blame the parents for giving them, sharing this value, but they feel kind of. Yet they don't want to Be treated but feel like they're not following what they were. The education was in kind of feeling disrespectful to their parents because, for example, esthetic was. I mean, I love money and I think money is amazing energy and at the same time, today, in my day today, I really value more like fun, which they are not necessarily against each other, but what I mean by that and my perspective on the question, is parents. I think and you and maybe tell me about it More than me, but there's not a manual ready to be the best parent ever. I think that everybody's trying their best and I think they're trying their best at that moment. So I really look at my childhood with kind eyes and I feel really good about my childhood, but it doesn't mean anything about today. I can make a total difference. What my values are today? Sure, and to answer your question, really, I think that my values of today are not the one that I grew up. Again, there's nothing wrong or right about it, but it is true that it's important. It's so right. What you said in the link with boundaries makes so much sense, because it is true that Boundaries like you talk about boundaries because you say that you want to put boundaries, like knowing what your values are no, so you can feel a line. Sure, I can you tell us more about it? I think it's interesting. Yeah, I appreciate that. Yeah, it's sort of like have you ever bowling before?

Joshua "Porter" Porthouse: 11:44

Yeah, I appreciate that. Yeah, it's sort of like have you ever been bowling? I get a ball.

Tamara Pflug: 11:49

No, I did not, but I know you're falling. I heard that I was bullied.

Joshua "Porter" Porthouse: 11:53

Oh, no, no, no bowling like with a ball and pins down the lane.

Tamara Pflug: 11:56

Such an interesting lapses. Yeah, of course I'm really good at it.

Joshua "Porter" Porthouse: 12:00

Oh, ok, well, I'm not. I'm lucky if I get a 90, but OK, so you're familiar. So what I'm getting at, though, is it's sort of like bowling right, like once you get whatever potential energy and momentum and opinions and opportunities, whatever coming your way, I, I releasing the ball, and then you've got to see what happens, and there's so many variables that can come in unless you've got backspin or you're in control or whatever applies. And then, however many pins you knock down, you determine the result, and then you reset and you implement, you shift over a little bit in the lane, or you throw the ball differently to get the rest of the pins and maybe a spare or something, but if you're not that comfortable in your skill set to handle issues, that's why there's bumpers that you can put in the sides of the lane, and it helps guide your ball and it helps you determine, or better control, the outcome, and I think a lot of that, those boundaries or, in this case, your values that you grow up with. Is that right? It's those bumpers, it's you growing up and just learn in the ropes, but you don't have to tackle every very little bit. It's so your own, all the wrong, so that you wrote and so, performing the net, perceive the result and the earlier sauced and the bigger right. Intr Syleri means got as many as possible, more than just an unpredictable. Considering all that, what it means. So how do you compensate it when your speed bar out? And what it means to get it all there. It can change, anything to do.

Tamara Pflug: 13:24

That makes so much sense. Thank you, it's a great analogy and I got it all clear. I thought you talked about bullying, like bullying Anyway. So it's such a good, really great analogy. I think, as of today, which I think, my parents have a little bit of these values too, but I really embrace them exactly how you share it and I listen to for episodes, it's exactly what I feel like. So I think my values really number one is health. It's really, really important. I think often you know we say I want to be more healthy and all of this, but we have to prioritize it to really make it like serious, to be committed, I think, to be healthy if this is the most important. So I have, for example, health commitment. I think when you want something, it's like the between wishing, wanting something and being committed to it. Energy is completely different and it's more like you give yourself permission to get that thing and not having excuses or you know when you get tired of your excuse. You're very committed. So, and of course, I have the values of fun, silliness, like all of the what that don't make also the commitment or health less serious. You know all the values that they all go together because I think you can still have fun. For example, if you want an amazing business, an amazing career for people, no matter the situation, you can have fun, you can find joy in everything you do and be very successful and joining. Another value that I can think of now is also efficiency, like being very efficient. This is what you said about burnout. I truly believe that there is kind of a badge of honor today for being busy, for actually have so many things to do, and you would call me, like in an hour or something. I would tell you I'm not doing anything, I'm not doing nothing. I think that it's not like working hard, being paid also by the hour. It's really like the industrialization this is the French translation but it's back when we were working per hour and we were getting money for like the products, the objects we were making, like constructing. But I think today we should get paid by the results, like we create. So it doesn't really matter. I think we can get a salary by working three, four hours a day. Maybe I'm leaving like a new top be like something, a different world. But I really think things are moving a bit and when we see that you can do things in three hours per day, you can be very productive. But busy doesn't mean necessarily productive and I think in COVID people realize that they can do their work in three hours because the rest of the day they can just watch TV. I think things are moving a bit. But I would say these are my really main values that today are, like I feel, really aligned and exactly what you said the boundaries part for me. It really makes me think that when you say no boundaries for me, I always come from a place of love. Otherwise it's just to check in how, not trying to control other. I'm trying to control what's around me and then I can say you are not fun, so I'm leaving. Now I don't think that I want to say really this is what's going to happen if this is happening, but it's more really coming from a place of love and I'm choosing. This is how I set my boundaries, but for sure we have to know what's important for us to be able to set boundaries, exactly how you said it, like when you align with your values, then you know what's important to you. It will be less hard to say no, and I believe that when we say no, we raise the value of our yes.

Joshua "Porter" Porthouse: 16:26

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Tamara Pflug: 17:37

We have to know what's important for us to be able to set boundaries. When you align with your values, then you know what's important to you. It will be less hard to say no, and I believe that when we say no, we raise the value of our yes. So this was part of the topic, but it's interesting.

Joshua "Porter" Porthouse: 17:52

Scarcity. The less times that lower the frequency, you're the yes person. You say yes, yes, yes, yes. Well, now one of two things happens. The one time you say no, there's going to be a blowout. Your family, your friends, you'll be like come on, you help everybody, why can't you help me? And it becomes this huge problem, right? Because scarcity, I think, economically. Anyways, you don't say no often enough, so it's this huge deal when you do. Now the flip side is, if you say no all the time and do nothing, and then you show up the one time to the party, everybody's like, oh my gosh, you came, great to see you. And if you come to all the parties, everybody says, oh hey, good to see you. You know, the reaction is different because you say yes all the time or the one time. And I think to your point when you're talking about efficiency. Maybe it was Elon Musk, I can't remember now, but somebody said if you give yourself six months to achieve a goal, it's going to take you six months. Yeah, right. And in parallel, if you give yourself three hours a day to do your work, you're going to get things done in three hours If you focus right, If you're able to focus, and we're not talking about distractions and kids and family and dogs and all these other things. Actually focusing which is also boundaries conversation for another time but being able to make decisions and go through life, I think, based on the parameters we set for ourselves. I look, Sally, I need you to work overtime this weekend. Can you cover my shift? Oh yeah, sure, no problem, Bob, once or twice, not a big deal, but every time when I you lose your weekends and if quality time with your family is something you prioritize pretty high on your value list, stop taking overtime on the weekends. Just say no. You're not hurting anybody's feelings and I think a lot of the times it can come down to a fear based, maybe anxiety based, process. And so in your experience, tamara, as you're working with clients, or in your own life, as you've been growing up, however, you want to apply this. How do you work around fear of retribution, a fear of repercussions, or the anxiety of yeah, but I don't know what's going to happen if I say no and set these boundaries? And will people like me? Am I still going to have the same opportunities? Or whatever fears and anxieties come up, how do you recommend people deal with those?

Tamara Pflug: 20:03

The very first thing that I can think of when you're actually sharing this is that I like to think about the worst case scenario. Sometimes we're afraid, but we're not really conscious of what's going to be the worst case scenario. Often it's we're afraid of somebody having a negative feeling, like having a negative emotion because we said that, we said no, or we did not show up, or you're just afraid of somebody feeling bad. So I think if this is the worst case scenario, then we can talk about again what's in our control and what's in other people's control. And I believe that what is in our control is always our thoughts, our feelings, our emotions, feelings, our emotions, our behaviors, the way we show up in the world, and then it's important also to let people be in their business with their thoughts, their emotions. So I think it's coming from a great place and I think it's the brain you know from. We still have the sort of this primitive brain that is wanting us to be a part of the tribe and we don't want to disappoint people, because back then I think our brain really think that we're going to die because we are out of the tribe. We like alone. it would mean that we would die, you know that's why, so this part is really just to remind us that of course I just want to be a part of the tribe. My brain is just trying to save me by making sure I don't disappoint this person, but I think so the very first step is really to think what is the worst case scenario really? And most of the time it's somebody else having an emotion or people say I'm disappointed, you did not come, but in the end it's not like it's not the end of the world, like somebody having an emotion, and we're not often sure that this is what's happening. So we feel disappointed ahead of time of disappointing them. So it's upside down. And what is interesting also is I also know people that hang out with me, because I started saying no so much more. I know that there are people that truly love me for who I am. You know they want to be with the real me, because when I used to people please this is kind of a people pleaser behavior, I believe it's then you don't really do what you want, because you want to please others but you're not even sure what they want. So you try but you're not really your true self, which comes back to the value. And I think if everybody would do what you're doing and being clear with what their values are and putting boundaries, they would be so less expectation, thinking things personally, like everybody's taking care of their own business. But often we try to control the world so we feel good. But this is the first step. I would just picture the worst case scenario and also let people be wrong about us. I think that we really want to. When we judge and criticize others, it goes with the idea of like. When you point a finger at others, three fingers are pointing back. So, I think when you know, when we judge others, usually we judge ourselves. So what do we think about saying no if we had peace with this, which comes again back to the values? Sometimes even people will not get that sad that negative emotions. But the worst case scenario is often just people feeling emotion and I believe that 50% of the time we will feel negative, a uncomfortable emotion. I think the brain is again wired for survival. So this is why 85% of our daily thoughts are like it's negative, because it's just preventing danger of thinking that we're going to die any minute. So when we make peace with this negative, we accept it. Also when other people feel it, that makes sense.

Joshua "Porter" Porthouse: 23:00

Yeah, it makes a lot of sense. I mean, in fact, that might even also be why the majority of news headlines, for example, are not positive, at least in the States. I don't know about in Europe, but yeah, everywhere. Okay, yeah, I mean, look at the BBC, for that matter. Bodies washing on shore, riots, the government issues legislation, the technologies going AI against humans and whatever All of these crazy negative connotation type headlines. And I mean I talked to a lady named Kristi a couple of months ago we recorded at least a couple of months ago and she used to work at a news station here in the States. She runs a etiquette coaching company now, but because she started noticing that all of these negative headlines kept coming through their news station and she was reporting on them, she said, for what? What's the other half of the story? But her words? She said if you had a news station that only showcased positive headlines, it would fail, you'd go bankrupt, nobody would watch and the ratings would plummet. And I think a lot of that comes down to exactly the point you just made. We have to accept that there are negative, whatever connotations or results, or just negativity within each of us, and that's greed and that's pride or wherever else it comes from. Envy, pick something, it doesn't matter, but they exist, right. And there's plenty of people that try to cope with those things through alcohol, through drugs, through exercise, through whatever. I think and I'm maybe totally wrong, which is fine, I don't care. But I think it's because it's harder to communicate those to other people, because now you're also going to get judged.

Tamara Pflug: 24:34

Yes, exactly.

Joshua "Porter" Porthouse: 24:36

It's a neuro body yeah. Yeah, and I don't think being judged is a possibility. I think being judged is a definite outcome, because that's what people do. We seek patterns, right, and we're like oh, you obviously had a troubled childhood. No, I'm probably not going to be in a relationship with you, sorry, I don't want to deal with that, right? Well, okay, cool, right. But then again, everybody deals with stress differently, and some people try to talk through it with their friends and family and try to communicate through that to cope with stressors. Other people tend to not be able to communicate as effectively or be willing to communicate at all and be vulnerable with somebody else at all, and so they cope with those stressors through some self-medication or alcohol or drugs or whatever. And so for those people that are coping with stress that way, how do you recommend they take steps or start this journey to be able to communicate and deal with judgment and deal with vulnerability? What are your thoughts?

Tamara Pflug: 25:33

I like the idea of it's a tool, like a little idea that I love sharing with my clients also that to accept we don't have to love this part of negative. And it makes so much sense what you said because I think often we try to we call it in one of the certification I learn buffering, you know, when we try to solve internal problems or internal struggles with external things, external things, which is exactly what, say, overeating, overbuying over things that we feel like we cannot get enough to fix the inside how we feel. So it's not about loving this 50-50 that we talked before, like sometimes things are going to go wrong, but it's. The problem is that is the meaning we give it. When we feel this stress for communication, for anything, any negative emotion or any struggle, it's more what we make it mean we think something's wrong with us. Everybody has it together. I'm the only one feeling this way and this is the only reason why it's hard to communicate, so that we're struggling there. I think it's the idea of thinking that this is the part that I'm a bit like yeah, exactly what you mentioned before. I don't know if it's stressed or any emotions, it's just that there is this extra, this layer really extra suffering of I'm not supposed to feel this way and I think just feeling stress is enough and it's an emotion. And after 90 seconds, if we would at school, learn how to process an emotion, no matter how that looks like for each one of us, I'm one person sure that we would just feel more at peace, no matter what emotion we are feeling. As I mentioned before, I think that if we can, we are kind of raising our ability and willingness to feel emotion. We will less struggle because, again, no matter what we try to do in life, it's because we think we will. It's going to make us feel a certain way. So it's kind of the secret, I think, of the universe. To answer your question, I think the tip is ready to remind yourself. This is the part where I'm feeling stress, or this is the part where I'm feeling vulnerable or judged and not needing to make it mean anything's wrong Like I'm not going to be loved. Usually it comes down very often to not being good enough. So being afraid of not being loved and as I mentioned, I think, at the start, is we all want, we all seek to be understood, seen and heard. So I guess this is really the part, and I love trying to make competition on the analogy, but I love when you mentioned driving a car. I mentioned Driving a car and the stress can be in the backseat. It's OK to feel stress, it's OK to feel anger, to feel frustration. I don't know no matter what's the emotion that can make the communication it's less clear or harder, but it's in the backseat. You are driving the car and what's your purpose? For every transaction, every conversation, every communication? I think it's also great to be aware and think why am I in this situation now? What do I want? What connection do I want to create with that person? And make it it simple, like a little experiment. It doesn't have to be a problem to solve, but you're driving, the tank is full and this is what you're here for. I think again coming down to value why you are in this present moment with this person and you feel the stress. It's still there, but you don't make it mean anything has gone wrong. It's just in the backseat of the car You're driving and just to accept it more than resist it. As you mentioned, it's with the buffering. It's exactly this like trying to solve problems from the outside.

Joshua "Porter" Porthouse: 28:38

Yeah, but it's uncomfortable being able to do that. And oh, the social media thing we brought up in the very beginning. Now it's not, and maybe it's different in Europe. Like I said, I have no bearing to know that, but now, at least for me, and what I see here in the States, is the opportunity for kids, and even adults to a degree, but the opportunity for kids to be kids, figure out who they are by themselves, with their own intuition, with their own interpretation. Be bored, lay on the couch with your head where your feet should be and put your feet on the wall and drool on your nose and be bored. What do I do with my it doesn't matter, or go be creative, do a puzzle, do something, some sort of outlet, whatever. Go climb a tree, go jump, whatever. Right, dig a hole for no reason, then, to just dig a hole, who cares? But in those opportunities, playing with friends and even just by yourself, I think you learn a lot. Now, social media is supplementing the lack of time for people, namely kids, to be kids, and so it's almost like this digital culture is dictating. Here's what you should feel about yourself and how you should interpret it, and to a degree, I think that's what would happen in person anyway. It's just faster and digitized and it's not always appropriate to everybody's circumstances, but it's the same concept, right, and so I guess what I'm saying is it's uncomfortable learning how to be with ourselves and present with ourselves and be vulnerable with ourselves. All right, if folks sit tight, we'll be right back on Transacting Value.

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Joshua "Porter" Porthouse: 30:45

But I think if you can't be vulnerable with yourself by yourself, how are you going to do it with anybody else? And then your relationships crumble. So when we're talking about interpersonal relationships Tamara, this is my last question for you but when we're talking about interpersonal relationships and needing to be to some degree vulnerable with somebody else, to be relatable, to be authentic, to be whatever, how do you bridge that gap? Because now you're working with adults that never really took time to learn themselves and so you got to break 30 years of old habits or non-existent connections. How do you do that? Or how do you recommend people do it for themselves?

Tamara Pflug: 31:23

Then also, I like, when we talk like this, to not make it sound too heavy, you know, as an issue, a problem to solve. Sometimes we use also personal development against ourselves, thinking that we have to fix ourselves, that we're going to be better there, we're going to be enough there when we're going to learn how to process our emotions. So I like to make it also not too serious. But I think yeah to when it comes to emotions and also really like, well, I think it's a good idea to when it comes to communication. I think down the line, really, it's all about processing any emotion that we may feel, but we need to get familiar also knowing what emotion it is in that moment, the communication that you know. When, for example, you're upset and you're trying to communicate with somebody, it's not really being upset. That is the premise, because all the thoughts that are you're going in spirit, you think something's wrong with me. Again, it's always the idea also, they don't get me, and I also heard this recently. I find it interesting when we judge and criticize others. It gives relief to our brain to not needing to focus on us, as you said, because if you see that you're the one that we know when we judge, it's most of the time what we judge in ourselves. So if I find out that inside of me this is the problem, then I need to fix it and it's yeah, it's going really down to the idea. The brain doesn't want to be wrong. Of course it's very efficient, but yeah, well, I hope I'm not getting out of the thing we could talk about. But, just to process emotion. I think, no matter what that looks like, I think this would be really the yeah, I think most of us I can ask how do you process emotion? How do you feel the emotion of stress, for example? And most of the time people are getting blank because they don't even know when they feel stress, what the stress, how does that look like? But if you imagine a little Martian coming out from a planet and asking you what does stress look like? Like, why do you over it? Why do you do this? Why do you go on social media? And you cannot be bored, like, how does bored look like? And people are starting to say it's tight, as you mentioned before, uncomfortable. So it's tight in my chest. And you explain I think it's very valid, I think every emotion is very valid, but when you really think about it, it's crazy. Like it's not that harmful an emotion, it's just very uncomfortable. But I think the most painful thing here is that we are afraid of feeling the emotion. So, when it comes to communication, we are afraid of not being loved, of being rejected. Yeah, everything that's to validate yourself, as you mentioned. So, yeah, it's just an emotion and, as I said, we have 60,000 thoughts per day. I think that often our emotions are created by our thinking. I believe so we'll have tons of emotions, but the only boundary we need to put here is not to make it mean anything about us. As you said, we are not a stressed person because we feel stressed. You are showing up more stressed because you believe you are a stressed person, right right, right, right yeah. I get excited. What's so individualized?

Advertiser: 33:58

what you think.

Joshua "Porter" Porthouse: 33:59

Yeah, yeah, I think it's natural. But if you start to compound all of the issues, it's going to seem a lot worse to you, but really nothing's changed, and so you can scale it back. For anybody who's new to the show, I'm active duty in the Marine Corps and so I work with a lot of Marines and sailors right now about how to communicate more effectively and how to work with different cultures on deployments and things of that effect and respect to whatever skill set they have. But the point is, everything is complex because we're people, our emotions, everything that happens to us, the mess yes, well, it can be right, but everything that happens to us is happening to other people, right, and so we have to tackle that. But, when we communicate with other people and we communicate with other people of different cultures. Well, now we're compounding all of our issues and complexities that we have to process with also accounting for somebody else's and then trying to work through that, and so I think it's always gonna be complex, but it doesn't always have to be complicated. As we start to sort of work and process through our own stuff, even if we're wrong, we can start to see that other people are humans too and dealing with the same types of complexities, and I think that helps bridge effective communication and set boundaries and mitigate burnout and deal with stressors. Tamara, in your case, you've built a company around it. You've used fun and play to help generate and renew self-confidence and work people through their stressors and rely on their own intuition and self-awareness. If people wanna find out more about you and your company or what you do or your podcast, where do they go and what types of things do you cover that might bring people in if they're interested?

Tamara Pflug: 35:39

Yes, so thank you so much for this. I wanted to say all the stuff, but we can talk for hours, I'm sure. So, yeah, people can find me at the personal-development-zone. com, which is my website, and I actually share 17 random facts there, which I just think about it, because it's always the page that got the most views. It's funny. So, yeah, and I like everything we talked about for communication and the complex. I just really felt like sharing this, but actually I can come back to me, but it's just, it's joining. Also, my coaching is what you say about the complexity of like human beings and also from different cultures and everything, and it is so true what you say that this is also where I bring my fun and confidence. Coaching here is that it's all a question really of attitude, question of mindset in the moment, that if you see that it's so complex talking with somebody and we all have specific situations that we can think of, I'm struggling in this situation and this is what I love about coaching, because I think that coaching is solving the big things in life by working the everyday thing. So I like to take specific situations for every people, but it is true that when you get into this struggle of communicating with others and you find it's so complex and I feel misunderstood. This is where I think the attitude and the way to look at it, as I say, it's simple. We just want to connect on a deeper level. If you improve kind of your mindset and your attitude really and have much more fun, this is where the fun enters. Also, you can be open minded about another person. You cannot make it mean something. You know, when we see somebody being that different from us, we are more thinking like we are different. So we look at what separates us from what is connecting us. But actually it is true that again, the attitude changes everything, because it's never, you know, the circumstance or the fact that really matters, but also it's about them. So again, this is what coaching is in Relay and I think then it brings back to what is in all control and in communication. It's always come down to what we're thinking, what we're feeling like, how we interact in the world. And then people are also responsible to trust that they know what's best for them. They just express themselves Like, for example, somebody being very angry I never get mad or after them are angry. Well, I feel they are angry. Well, I feel the anger really a lot Easily, I have to say. But I don't take it personally because I see that they're struggling with something like they have a thought that causing them to feel angry. So in the communication it makes the whole difference because then you want to defend yourself, to attack, but when you are at peace, because you know that it's just the world of person feels an emotion, you can still communicate with them and you need two person to fight.

Joshua "Porter" Porthouse: 38:02

Not always. Some of my best arguments have been in the car by myself. This is such a great idea.

Tamara Pflug: 38:08

I never heard this back. Such a good idea. It's such a good idea. Usually clients are like, yeah, it makes sense, and now you broke my partner? No, I need to use the good one. I understand what you mean. No, no, 100%. So yeah, but this is what I love like sharing with people like you and coaching on specific situation that we all struggle with which communication. I see it's so important what you're doing. Really. Thank you. It helps a lot of people.

Joshua "Porter" Porthouse: 38:30

Well, I agree, and I mean that's ultimately why you're on the show. I mean you're also working with or I guess learning currently right Sign language to work with deaf people, and you're working with clients that are not co-located with you right Like. This is all mostly virtual, or yeah, only virtual oh only virtual. So I mean, like we said in the beginning, increased distance does not have to decrease capable or competent influence, and I think that goes for long distance parenting, I think that goes for coaches, I think that goes for military service members or deployed people. There's all sorts of circumstances, I think, where we sell our capability short and get into our head, I don't know. X brings a new step, somebody into the picture and now your kids have to deal with that and like, oh, they're taking my place. Well, no, they're not, unless you let them. And at work you've got a new boss and you've got to talk through those issues. And you've got to work through those things and say, oh well, they gave somebody else the job I was doing and they're trying to replace me. No, no, because that other person's not you. So what are your strengths? What do you bring to the table? And maybe there's a better position for you anyways. I agree, there's a lot of ways to communicate with other people that are beneficial to these boundaries that you discussed earlier, but also for ourselves to be able to make sense of what's happening, and so, for everybody who's listening, tamara's website and links to social will be in the show notes for this conversation. So, depending on the platform you're playing this conversation on, click see more, click show more or if you're on our website, just scroll down under the player and you'll see the links there as well, and that way, tamara, anybody can find you and get in touch with you. I really appreciate this opportunity, though, and, for the sake of time, thank you, everything that you brought up, as, like I said, we talked about boundaries and stressors, and we talked about communication and self-awareness and confidence and the importance of fun and play in that process, and it's okay to be vulnerable. You just gotta give yourself permission, and I think it was great. So, yeah, thank you for your time.

Tamara Pflug: 40:26

Thank you so much. Yeah, and we could go all over the place. Like in so many conversations, I think we tried our best to stick to the scenario. We're good, but thank you so much for having me. It was an honor really. Thank you.

Joshua "Porter" Porthouse: 40:36

I appreciate you saying that, yeah, this was a great conversation and if you're able and willing and you wanna come back, get you in touch and I'm sure we can do that or find other ways to do that as well. But to everybody who's listening, thank you for tuning in, listening to our conversation, where we talked about our February core values of play, spontaneity and fun and among all of these other topics. Tamara, I gotta thank your clients and I gotta thank your parents frankly, because without the experiences that they gave you, I don't think you'd be anywhere near as competent or aware to be able to talk about everything we talked about, so I gotta thank them too. Thank you to our show partners and folks. Thank you for tuning in and appreciating our value as we all grow through life together. To check out our other conversations, merchandise or even to contribute through feedback, follows, time, money or talent, and let us know what you think of the show. Please reach out on our website, transactingvaluepodcast. com. We stream new episodes every Monday at 9 am Eastern Standard Time through all of your favorite podcasting platforms and we'll meet you there. Until next time. That was Transacting Value.